Ssss-prrrrthp-pp! I am The Living Bum, the degenerate repercussion of the scientific community's ill-considered attempts at meddling with The Lord's work.
My remorseless keepers at XENOXXXtm Industries have cajoled me into presenting you with the newest products from their tear-stained catalogue: the XENOXXXtm Cool Back-To-School Gaming Range.
I present for you here these five items that every returning schoolchild must demand. Spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS! Thrrrrrp-ssss-pppppprrp!
This ordinary-looking pencil case is emblazoned with images of your favourite games characters: Sonic, Mario, Manicario, Charlyboy and Farleycharley, Nibbo, Sibbo,and St. Ventch... Not only will it store every single one of your pencils (WARNING: DOES NOT WORK WITH COLOURED PENCILS OR ANYTHING OVER HB), but will also drip scalding foie gras onto your forearm and abdo' (abdomen), rendering you in dire need of rapid medical attention. You'll be the hit of the Back-to-School Ball with this penci' case!
XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING HOLDALL
This genuine leather holdall plays the themes from your favourite video games - Pinghole McGuire, Pinghole McKenzie, Sonic and the Pinghole, Pinghole Pinghole Pinghole-hey! - but it conceals a special secret: at random points throughout the school day, a bio-mechanical arm will extend from its flanks, and rub a pissing hen against your thigh.
XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING AUGMENTED REALITY GOGGLES
Wear these AR goggles to school, and you'll be the talk of the playground - as it identifies which of your classmates offers the most compatible genetic match with you... and then proceeds to bombard them with sterilising ion particles, while transmitting the unyielding, braying honk of a drow at levels that are guaranteed to cause discomfort to the ears of most living things. Guaranteed!
XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING PROTRACTOR
The humble protractor is the key element in any schoolchild's geometry set... and this new take on the old favourite will ensure any video game-loving child stays gripped during a maths lesson. Despite being called a protractor, and shaped like Lara Croft's thorax, the Cool Gaming Protractor is used for one thing only: high levels of distress. The razor-sharp edges are just part of the story - attempt to measure the angle of an isosceles triangle, and it will ooze real parrot phlegm!
XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING "HAIRLESS PATTY"
Who or what is a "Hairless Patty"? That's simple: a Hairless Patty is a sallow, depilated manikin, who clings to your back, and demands hourly that you eat him. You will love him, even though he hates himself. You will care for him, even though he wishes to remain a dishevelled and unhealthy wreck. You will administer penicillin to him, even when he doesn't require it. Available in five languages: English (UK), English (US), Cod-Latin, Cod, and Pidgin English. Hairless Patty does not require trousers (trust us: we've tried, and he just refuses to wear them).