Prrrrrth-ssssss-prrp! I am The Living Bum, the abominable repercussion of man's ceaseless tampering with dark genetics. This week, my warped progenitors at XENOXXX Industries are preparing their wares for display at the so-called Electronic Entertainment "Expo".
Due to be launched at a presentation hosted by our iconic lead designer, P'Stasi Fjärt, our latest products shall be revealed 'fore an unsuspecting crowd, lulled into suggestibility by small doses of sleeping gas, behavioural reprogramming techniques, and the ceaseless tattoo of a kettle drum skin.
Here is a selection of our E3 wares. Prrt-srrrrp-slrrrrrrrrp...!
Resembling a pair of ordinary anti-glare goggles - the sort a gamer might don to prevent their eyes from absorbing too much ultraviolet radiation, and rotting - the winning feature of this product is the heated filament, concealed within the elasticated headstrap. As the user begins to play games, the filament slowly warms up, distracting them from an extended rubber tentacle that will shortly insert a clammy hemisphere into their mouth.
THE XENNOXXXtm COOL GAMING SCARF
Appearing to be nothing more than a mundane knitted scarf, emblazoned with the emblem of their favourite gaming series, the XENNOXXXtm Cool Gaming Scarf hides a queer secret: one in four are extremely flammable, and can erupt into flames from nought but the warm breath of an asthmatic exhalation. Please note: due to a production error, three in four XENNOXXXtm Cool Gaming Scarves emit an incessant "Bronx cheer" for the duration of the scorching process.
THE XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING ENERGY DRINK 2.0
Every can of XENNOXXXtm Cool Gaming Energy Drink 2.0 is filled to the rim with pulped root bulbs and potentially fatal levels of industrial-strength sailor laxatives.
THE XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING SWATCHMAN
As if the jagged rivets that decorate its inner surfaces were not distracting enough, this shoulder-mounted autonomous bronze exoskeleton dangles a series of coloured fabric swatches in front of a player's eyes, adding extra challenge to any gaming session. Were that not sufficiently objectionable, the harness will also attempt to use its four snapping mandibles to degrade the user by implanting a small, warm straw into one nostril.
THE XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING SOLLY
What is a Solly? It is a bio-enginered varmint, born without eyes, face or soul. Place the Solly atop a games console, and be soothed by the rasping flow of air through its breathing aperture - an unsightly and oozing scarlet gash running halfway around its circumference. This pale horror shall live for up to four minutes, once removed from its amniotic womb sac, before imploding in a terrifying shower of sanguine viscera, pear chunks and melancholic yelps.