Thrrrp-thrp. As The Living Bum - the dark by-product of genetic meddling by my kind and evil masters at XENOXXXtm Industries - I have little grasp of such feeble human concepts as love and romance. I am more concerned with matters of the rectal variety.
Nonetheless - thrrrrrp-thrrrrrp-thrp - my cruel and lovely masters have informed me that Valentine's Day (whatever that is) approaches, and demanded that I present to you their latest gaming gadgets, developed with the romantic gamer in mind. Spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS! Thrppp.
This two-person romantic gaming vest is designed to shackle lovers together for romantic gaming sessions of an indeterminate length. With a central zip and buckle system to make escape next to impossible, your lover will be forced into engaging with your lustful gaming habits - potentially for the first time ever.
Just when the vest is becoming unbearably uncomfortable and hot (due to the internal steam-emitting heating elements, and sewn-in hot corks), the fabric hump on its rear splits open, distending a metallic arm that drags a flattened mouse across their face.
XENOXXXtm ROMANTIC GAMING EXOSKELETON
Being social inadequates, many gamers are embarrassed by displays of public affection, and seek to avoid them at all costs. If you are one of these people, and are struggling to find a way to display your feelings, just wire yourself into the XENOXXXtm Romantic Gaming Exoskeleton - a fearsome ensemble of circuits and pistons, that will do all the work for you... by forcing you into a painful, bone-twisting, display of "courtship dancing".
Simply don the suit, bellow "XBOX ON", and approach your lover. Your lumbering, staccato steps will swiftly cease. First you will jig. Next you will jive. Then you will begin the spinning, and spinning, and spinning... before hot sap pulses from the suit's collar ring, and several tiny, plastic hens are discharged from the pelvic aperture, accompanied by a clanging, ambient, lament. Just as the suit's thirty-second battery runs dead, the scalp band will contract suddenly, inducing insufferable torment.
Your lover will be so awed by this they will be lulled into joining you for at least two romantic gaming sessions.
XENOXXXtm ROMANTIC GAMING SOUND SYSTEM
Hide the XENOXXXtm Romantic Gaming Sound Sytem beneath your lover's bed or chair, and it will woo them with a low, barely audible, wordless ballad. Your lover will become engorged with romantic desires. However, just at the point their resistance to romantic gaming has crumbled, the sound system engages its caterpillar tracks, and emerges from seclusion.
At dangerously high velocity it begins speeding around the room, ramming into walls, crashing through furniture... all choreographed to a throbbing electronic symphony of distorted barks and whistles.
Alarmingly for your lover, an iron rod protrudes from the top of the unit, angrily brandishing a rubber mask of the actor Chiwetel Ejiofor. Should they attempt to switch off the sound system - as they most certainly will - it will suddenly become dormant... before surprising them by placing a small, frozen nugget between their fingers. Thrrrrrrpssss!
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