I don't even know why I've been asked to introduce this round-up of the new apps for phones. All I know about is chips and oil. See, I'm old school I am. An analogue man. I've got one of them old bricks, I have. Of course, whassisface at home as got a bloody iPhone. He's never off it. I'm slaving away behind the counter, and he's stood over in the corner, face pressed into it, WhatsApping with thingy from Star Burger.
Even when we're watching Bake Off he's on it, bloody twooting about it, or whatever he's doing! It's like - watch the show, you muppet! You can't do both, same as I can't fry the fish and keep an eye on the chip forks at the same - OI!!! Oi, you cheeky little sod. Put that back. You've got one portion of chips, so you only need one chip fork. Bloody liberty. Don't look at me like that. Out!
Anyway. Here's the latest new apps for your phone, or something.
Chard Bird (iOS/Android £Free)
Can you keep the baby bird alive just by feeding him chard? It goes against all medical advice - but in this exciting virtual pet-style game, you get to give it a go anyway!
Quilt Stuff 1998 (iOS/Android £Free)
How fast can you stuff a big quilt inside of things, in the year 1998? Find out by tapping screen rapidly to stuff quilt inside: pelican mouth; dog kennel (see dog terrified!); igloo; Inuit mouth; Inuit bottom; panicked pensioner's letterbox; deflated zorbing ball. Coming soon: Quilt Stuff 1999, Tarp' Stuff 1997 and Dressing Gown Stuff 1998.
Peer Piers Pier Peer (iOS/Android £Free)
Want to know what your peer, Piers, is getting up to on the pier? Track him down, by peering through the simulated telescope - and then report him to the authorities, should you find him angrily throwing fistfuls of rock salt at the back of children's heads!
Hell For Pegs (iOS/Android £Free)
If pegs were sentient creatures, what would it take to make their life a living hell? Now you have the power to make it happen, in this profound and troubling game. Will you melt pegs? Deny pegs freedom? Stamp on pegs? Wipe stinking "stuff" on pegs?
Bono's Placenta (iOS/Android £Free)
Have you ever imagined what Bono would look like with a disgusting placenta hanging between his legs? In this fun game aimed at girls, ages 6 - 11, players can use glitter, wigs, sunglasses and lipstick to customise his placenta in order to make it more palatable to the Irish bard's scores of fans. Because nobody needs to see Bono's Placenta!
Hearse Horse Here (iOS/Android £Free)
Hearse Horse is here, and he's never going away, however much you might want him to! He'll literally ruin your phone!
Van'gu Chan-Tala-Tal (iOS/Android £Free)
Who will spark the Tala-Tal? Van'gu Chan or Van'gu Garbu'u? The destiny of Dob-K'lob K'k'thrrrth is in your hands! Contains profanity.
Bronk's Canticle (iOS/Android £Free)
Bronk is dead, but his song lives on. Now's your chance to remix the famous racist ballad to remove, or improve, the intolerant sentiments.
Chard Calculator (iOS/Android £Free)
Chard is a leafy green vegetable, but how much chard do you have? Give this app access to your camera, point it at the chard, and get the results in under four minutes!
C-Hard Calculator (iOS/Android £Free)
How hard to eat are things beginning with the letter C? This app rates C-word things out of ten, allowing you to choose wisely when intending to eat chalk, chrome, cats, crows, Craig, and cummerbunds.
Virtual Selfie Stick (iOS/Android £Free)
Selfie sticks are everywhere these days, but they can be expensive and cumbersome. This clever app replaces a physical selfie stick with a virtual one. How does it work? Not even the people who designed it know how it works - they were trying to create a dating app for hunchbacks!
Weird Bum Smell Detector (iOS/Android £Free)
What's that weird smell coming out of your bum? Wave your phone between your legs, wait 30 seconds for it to connect to the database, and you'll soon have the mystery solved!