Back in the 1980s, life was simpler. Instead of all the rules and regulations cops have to ignore these days before tasering someone in the forehead, they could just cause mayhem and chaos on the roads and streets of the US of America while apprehending people who merely look like a wrong-un.
All regardless of whether they had much in the way of evidence and all that. So, er, actually much the same as now, but let’s pretend it wasn’t for the purposes of this article, yeah?
Anyway, many people don’t realise it – mainly because it’s a complete fabrication – but the game Chase H.Q. is actually a digitised documentary of a day in the life of two such typical 80s ‘plod’. But what about the so-called villains they apprehended?
Let’s take a look and see what REALLY happened when the cameras (arcade machines) were switched off (broke down after being repeatedly kicked by dank teens lurking in run-down seaside arcades).
Plus look at this man’s face: what’s that strange white line down the side, and why is he so oddly open mouthed, like someone warming up to attempt to eat a large swiss roll in one go?
And those odd, orange overalls? This is trendy 1980s America, with its shoulder pads and espadrilles, after all. No, there’s something up here.
VERDICT: A passing bin man framed by having an Easter Island statue mask glued to his face to make him look a bit like the killer in Halloween.
Now this is more like it. New York is quite big, and absolutely heaving with baddies (just take a look at any of the villain-sodden New York-based Spider-Man films such as Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, Another Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man: A Further Spider-Man only now Robert Iron Man Jr. as well).
So to become notorious enough to be ‘the’ New York armed robber, Carlos must be hot stuff in the crime world. Or is he?
This makes me believe this is in fact none other than popular and now quite dead actor Telly Savalas, and these cops have abused their position to stop a famous person simply to get him to sign autographs and record voicemail messages for them to use on their mobiles in 20 years’ time.
No doubt they got him to recite his famous catchphrase “Who loves your babies? Kojak. Kojak is the one who loves your babies!”.
VERDICT: Police corrupted by the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Now this is just getting silly. Since when has 2 people been a gang? They’re either the most pathetic gang since the Get Along Gang (because ‘getting along’ and not being openly hostile to your fellow club members is hardly the highest of bars to set yourself, let alone make the entire raison d’etre of your group), or this is yet another stitch-up by the boys in blue. Well, one of them is in blue at least.
VERDICT: Police officer is aware he will be shortly discharged from the force due to corruption, so is hastily self-retraining as a bovine veterinarian and getting some practice in on unwitting members of the public.
Ah, the cold war – nothing like the fear of retaliatory nuclear attack resulting from a botched diplomatic incident to focus the minds of law enforcement. Or at least that’s what you’d hope, but no: our boys are off again, smashing cars off of the highway left and right in pursuit of justice.
So what does our secret agent from behind the iron curtain look like? A thin, shrew-like nasty such as V. Putin, or a blonde Natasha-style femme fatale?
This is obviously yet another set-up job to cover for the fact the real spy must have got away, but we can at least cut our police friends some slack for putting an end to what we can only assume was an inexplicably racist and very confusing cover band.
VERDICT: Deserving of 20 years on fashion grounds alone.