Speaking at the Develop Conference in Brighton - which is happening right now, as you breathe and think - the amusingly-named Randy Pitchford announced that his company is looking for a partner with whom they can co-develop the next Duke Nukem (and, presumably, pass the buck when it fails).
According to Eurogamer, Randy-P flapped: "I did not acquire the franchise merely so people could experience Duke Nukem Forever. That was, sort of, the toll to pay to give Duke Nukem a chance at a future."
When Duke Nukem Forever was released in 2011 to almost unanimously unenthusiastic reviews, many believed that was it for the series. However, with Gearbox already said to be working on initial concepts for a continuation or reboot, we'd like to toss our chapeau into the ring, and offer up an inventory of what we would and wouldn't like to see in the next Duke Nukem game...
One thing we're surely all agreed on is that a Duke Nukem game has to star Duke Nukem. Making someone - or something - else the star of the game, and not featuring Duke Nukem, or making any reference to Duke Nukem whatsoever, just wouldn't be the same. Who wants to play a Duke Nukem game starring a cognisant bollard called Bam-boo, or a bowl of mumbling, disembodied cat mouths, that are linked by a troubled hive mind? Not us!
Few characters aren't improved by the addition of a sassy, smart-mouthed sidekick. We're voting to see Duke Nukem paired up with a jive-talking cassowary, or hybrid creature called The Yak Son, who has an ominous opinion of your future prosperity. Or maybe Duke could even be joined by a real-life celebrity wearing a cape - someone along the lines of Idris Elba or Sir Edward Elgar?
We'd love it if the next Duke Nukem game had some really good graphics. We're not greedy though - they don't have to be the best graphics ever, but they do have to be really good.
Who doesn't love the free pizza? Please... please give us the free pizza. Give it. Give it to us now....
It would be awful if the packaging of the next Duke Nukem was rigged to fire a cloud of carcinogenic spores into your face the second you unwrapped it. A toxic spore-cloud is something we'd utterly reject as a development for the series going forwards.
RANDY'S BROAD BEANS
We'd also question the wisdom of the next Duke Nukem game representing a contract, which gives Gearbox Software CEO Randy Pitchford full legal license to enter your home, leave a handful tainted broad beans on your sofa, and smear himself on your mirrors. That would be a gross and needless invasion of your privacy.
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