Describing itself as a "super budget publisher", Phoenix Games' ethos was to invest next to nothing into its releases, developing them very quickly using an established template, and then punting them into newsagents and shitshops, so they weren't competing directly with bigger budget/better releases.
Often they would license the output of animation studios with a similar creative ethos - low-budget cartoons, typically thinly-disguised "homages" to Disney classics. Phoenix would bundle the short films together with a handful of mini games (always jigsaw and slide puzzles, and colouring books).
These included versions of Cinderella, and - memorably - Toy Story, entitled The Toys Room. It starred a bizarre stuffed doll known as Pina, and a sentient Game Boy called Charlie Chip, who waggled a questionably-placed joystick whenever he spoke.
Its terrifying cover must be seen to be believed:
Formed in the early 90s, Dingo released films with titles such as Aladin (a single L getting around any potential copyright issues), Legend of Herkules, Mighty Mulan, and various releases featuring Dalmatians. However, chief among all of these was Snow White and The 7 Clever Boys.
As with many Dingo Pictures releases, it was licensed by Phoenix Games, and given a cover that doesn't remotely resemble anything in the film itself.
Let's take a look at the seven minute-long film, which boasted a crude mix of CGI backgrounds and hand-drawn animation...
I assumed initially that changing the title to "7 Clever Boys" were a way to either circumvent Disney's lawyers, or because the creators felt "dwarves" too politically sensitive. In truth, the "boys" were far more problematic.
And we must not forget Joseph Junior, "The seventh boy"... because, presumably, coming up with seven defining traits was too much for the writers.
Notably, none of the boys get a single line, or any action which denotes their differing personalities and characteristics.
We cut immediately to the inside of the house, where a young girl stands with a microphone, bathed in spotlights. She begins to sing her backstory, as the 7 Clever Boys arrive inside via most untraditional means; by turning into droplets of water, and squirting up through the floorboards.
The one of the mirror and the evil queen,
Sparkling mirror the truth it can see,
Oh say it please: who is more beautiful?
She is so jealous, jealous of me,
So very jealous, jealous of me,
Show the miracle of beauty in the lake of your glass,
Her heart so hard, it won't let me pass,
She has chased me, hunted me (hunted me),
Alone, crying, in forest so dark,
I know that you really care,
What we say?
Our lives we can share,
She is so jealous of me,
So very jealous of me,
It lives in her evil heart,
Unlike mine,
She has chased me, hunted me (hunted me),
Alone and crying, in forest so dark,
I know that you really care..."
What we say?
Yes, of course she did.
"The next morning, all seven went to the forest and worked as hard as usual, because they were happy that they had lovely Snow White to look after."
Sonny is shown rushing hither and tither for no apparent reason, while Big Basil dumps a sack of rubbish onto a pile only for Cubby to jump out and shrug.
"They were such good boys weren't they?" asks the narrator, with doubt in his voice.
But then... something terrible happened.
The poor girl took one bite and fell down unconscious, fast asleep - possibly forever!
"Just awful" the narrator tells us; "No more Snow White to meet them, or smile her lovely smile at at them, or sing her lovely songs - never, ever, ever again."
But suddenly, something happened... "Something quite incredible!"
Could a Prince Charming on a noble horse have come to save Snow White? Was this really Prince Charming?
"Yes it was - hooray!"
Except, he's not on a horse, but a BMX. Which then turns into a horse once he's arrived... And when he sees Snow White, he gives her comatose body, quite unbidden, a "Soft, loving, kiss... And, well, the result was simply beautiful, and magical, in every way."
Better still, "All of them work together to keep the forest cleaner and greener than ever before... Wasn't that nice?" the narrator asks again, doubtfully.
And after seven minutes, that is the end of the story about Snow White and the 7 Clever Boys. Brief it might be, but there's still the mini game portion, which uses stills from the film for its puzzles, and might give you another five minutes or so of value.
The worst video game ever, boys and girls. No competition.