If you haven't seen me in my former capacity as a political candidate, you might have spotted me hanging around on your shed roof, lunging at nearby trees, and soiling myself.
While I was up there I thought of some really good jokes, which I'd now like to share with you. Hope you like them. It doesn't matter if you don't - I just hope you do. Anyway. I'm off now, so bye. Yeah, bye then. I'll maybe see you another time. Hope you like my jokes. Yeah, bye. Bye. See you soon. Yeah.
ANSWER: Because he had his "back to the few chairs" (Back to the Future).
QUESTION: Who is the most popular rapper in Scotland?
QUESTION: What are the most disgusting shoes in the world?
QUESTION: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
ANSWER: Bird reasons.
QUESTION: Why did the man jump in the sea while dressed as a green Teletubby?
ANSWER: He was a Dipsy diver (deep-sea diver).
QUESTION: What was the Mexican megalomaniac planning to do?
ANSWER: Taco-ver the world!!!!
QUESTION: How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
QUESTION: Which celestial being suffers from curvature of the spine?
ANSWER: The Arched Angel Gabriel.
QUESTION: What's the frequency, Kenneth?
QUESTION: Why does my grandad keep eating peri-peri chicken even though he doesn't like it?
ANSWER: Because my Nan does (Nando's).
QUESTION: How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?
QUESTION: What flies through the air playing a lute?
ANSWER: A bard (bird).
QUESTION: What flies through the air so fast you can't see it clearly?
ANSWER: A blurred (bird).
QUESTION: Why hasn't David Cameron been hungry since he left school?
ANSWER: Because he's already Eton!!!!!!
QUESTION: What are the most easily irritated spheres in the world?
QUESTION: What is it about pillows that you like the most?
ANSWER: Their dryness.
QUESTION: What was the consequence when Jihadists burn down Salman Rushdie's house?
ANSWER: Smoked Salman.
QUESTION: Who is the most odious member of the Royal Family?
ANSWER: Her Royal Heinous The Princess Anne.
QUESTION: What do you get if you fling a crab at a police car?
QUESTION: What should you do if your wheat field goes missing?
ANSWER: Call the crops.
QUESTION: Which bells are too stupid to ring?
QUESTION: Why are dumbbells known thusly?
ANSWER: Because they're used by idiots.