Some of you may be aware that the United Kingdom will soon be "going to the dogs" to choose the apex predator who shall rule our land for the next five years. I've already decided I'm going to spoil my ballot paper by anointing it with Balrog's musk, whatever that means.
As we live in a free society, allegedly, I shall now exercise my democratic principles by telling some political jokes. I don't know how good they are. I suppose they're alright. Anyway, bye.
ANSWER: Pelb Cameron.
QUESTION: How did Labour leader Ed Miliband get his name?
ANSWER: By joining a million bands.
QUESTION: Which politician plunders the British countryside for his dinner?
ANSWER: Nigel Forage (Nigel Farage).
QUESTION: Why is George Osborne the creepiest member of the Conservative Party?
ANSWER: Don't know. He just comes across as really creepy, in my opinion.
QUESTION: Which politician stole a prosthetic limb from an amputee?
ANSWER: Nick Clegg (Nick Leg).
QUESTION: Why is the Chancellor of the Exchequer struggling to keep his head above water?
ANSWER: Because he lives in "Drowning Street" (Downing Street).
QUESTION: How does David Cameron get up and down stairs at Number 10 Downing Street?
ANSWER: He strips off, slathers himself in aloe vera, and slithers (he drags his clothes behind him in a bag).
QUESTION: London mayor Boris Johnson has a vestigial twin on the underside of his body. What is its name?
ANSWER: Borrris Johnson.
QUESTION: What does Ed Balls always keep in his pocket?
ANSWER: Some sild.
QUESTION: Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon has a vestigial twin on her back. What is its name?
QUESTION: What would be a funny name for a leader of the Green Party?
ANSWER: Redd Brown.
QUESTION: What takes up most of the space in Nick Clegg's underwear?
ANSWER: A glistening, veiny, flesh sac extending from his perineum, in which he's incubating a new type of hen.
QUESTION: Talking of Nick Clegg, what is his favourite breed of dog?
ANSWER: A Liberaldor (labrador).
QUESTION: What is Ed Miliband's favourite breed of dog?
ANSWER: A Labourdor (labrador).
QUESTION: What is Nigel Farage's favourite breed of dog?
ANSWER: A not-foreign one, with Union Jacks for eyes.
QUESTION: Danny Alexander has a vestigial twin on the back of his neck. What is its name?
ANSWER: Pally Alexander.
QUESTION: Why did George Osbourne have a skin-flap grafted to his abdomen?
ANSWER: To hide a racist joke he has tattooed there, but also make it easy for him to look at it whenever he wants to.
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