If you'd like to come along and watch some words come out of my mouth, ask me questions, stroke my hand, and perhaps even get a free Digi t-shirt... you can get tickets here. It'll be splendid fun.
Further details of the precise nature of my on-stage Digi-related antics will follow in short order.
But wait! That is not the only thing to announce. Here is the second thing: you are about to read the Digitiser2000 Friday letters page!
If you would like to be immortalised/insulted on a Friday, of all days, you simply have to shove your comments, opinions, and ask-me-anythings (questions) down throat of this greased-up crannington: email@example.com
It’s on PS4, can’t remember the name of it. Lead character is a hermit with books. Scotland somewhere - you have to find the cooing. With the target practice mini-game? There’s 8 levels and his wife dies. You build up cash to buy dice. Each time you level up, you get a tile.
They advertise it on the telly all the time! You follow the guy! There’s an auction! You have to control the territory! Victory points equal brioche! There’s a fissure and a chute!
Dan Howdle, Lichfield
My name is Gary ‘Chortles’ Chalk, and I am a 56-year-old comedian. I’ve been touring the clubs since I was a young boy and have been making audiences laugh for over 7 years.
Over the last decade or so, I haven’t been able to get much work outside of Working Men’s Clubs, as my act is a little dated and a bit out-of-touch, so I’m trying to develop an act that will appeal to the young folk and hopefully lead to Michael McIntyre letting me have a go on his Big Thing.
I’ve been doing my research – in the pub, mainly - and the word on the street is that the youth of today are mainly into four things: The Instagrans, The Cardassians, the Video Games and the Music of the Rappings.
Being as you are – a game reviewer of note and writer of Children’s entertainment – I thought I would submit to you some jokes I have written on the subject of the Video games:
Why couldn’t the obese man download the Development version of a new game? His Doctor had put him on beta-blockers.
Why did the voice actor decide to quit Uncharted after the Fourth instalment? He no longer wanted to Sully their good game.
What do you call a rat in a game-exchange store? A Cex Pest
What do the PS4, the Xbox One and the ITV show ‘Take Me Out’ have in common? All three are improved by taking away the camera.
Why was the nerd not allowed in the Badminton Court? Because he had Dark Souls.
What did Morrissey say about the PS4 controller? There is a light that never does owt.
What’s the difference between Peter Sutcliffe and Half Life 3? At some point Peter Sutcliffe might be released.
What’s the difference between your mum and Portal? No one’s ever seen anyone use more than two holes in Portal.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Gary ‘Chortles’ Chalk
QUESTION: What does Gary Chalk like to eat?
ANSWER: His own penis.
I once played a video game. It had a dog, that tried to make me buy cheese-flavoured wood shavings, and he did the most awful things with dominoes and insects. Do you know what it was?
I find myself at work. Recently I have seen in your communications that you’re not getting many letters on a Friday. This is shame. I was sat here staring blankly at my email client wondering what to talk about. Overwatch? I hear that’s all the rage right now.
However, I have not got it myself and know nothing of it other than it’s a TF2 knock off that has Pixar-like trailers and costs a million pounds. Battleborn? No, I have no idea what a MOBA is, and I can’t be bothered to Google it. Doom? I bought it, finished E1M1 – and I have not gone back to it.
I did enjoy what I DID play of it, but I can’t say for sure if it’s any good. The reviews are positive, but I have been working too hard to play it. When I come home I watch a YouTube or a TV show and just go to sleep. I am old now.
I was going to play the Engineers beta on Elite Dangerous. I downloaded the patch on the shonky connection I have, and I ended up gardening instead. So I don’t know it that’s any good either – I did watch Mentski play it a bit, and it looks alright.
But there seems to be a pattern here. I have a million games to play and no time to play them. I have too many, yet I still keep buying them because they’re cheap. I haven’t stolen a game in YEARS. I am just SO BORED of everything right now… I have given up drinking and it’s not helping my mood.
I think I am going to go home and go to bed again. Hope you liked my pointless letter and it cheered you up.
What the bleeding hell are Nintendo playing at? I cuss their decision-making bad.
My name is Ian and I'm a compulsive achievement hunter, generally known as an achievement whore. It all started back in March 2007 when I maxed the innocuous Worms XBLA for 200 gamerscore.
Nothing more happened until January the following year, when I borrowed the woeful 'Avatar: The Burning Earth' with the deliberate aim of getting all 1,000 gamerscore in the space of two minutes.
This itself wasn't the singular act that started the habit off, only three other games got subjected to that treatment in 2008.
It really kicked in during 2009 when I got maximum gamerscore from 14 games, this also coincided with joining trueachievements.com.
This was what I see as a pivotal moment as it gave my gaming a focus, each successive game purchase being informed by TA ratio (that is in the achievements in terms of their difficulty to unlock them), many cheap games being dismissed due to a TA ratio that was too high.
This means that low hanging fruit often got played purely for easy score, the higher ratio games being a badge of honour for those masochistic souls willing to grind objectives for hours purely for the distinction of having done so.
The regular blockbuster games still got played by me though regardless of TA, but then so did some of the ropier games that otherwise wouldn't get a look in. Joy can be had from the apparently woeful Mindjack (2.3 ratio) or the risible Pure Football (3.0 ratio), you find yourself enjoying them despite their shoddy production values or woeful online performance.
The dopamine release from completing one of these so-called lemons is similar to the satisfaction I get from completing a marathon, only without the burning muscles and crap goodie bag of samples from the race sponsors.
My point is sometimes games should be just for the gaming. Not secondary concerns like how easy the achievements were. I'm getting more fun from Yokai Watch on 3DS at the moment, achievements or not.
I've tried to answer the call and write a genuinely well-written letter for this week but I'm afraid that I really couldn't think of anything.
That said, I really didn't like the thought of your inbox being empty, so I drew you a picture on the back of an old, dirty sponge scrubber. It's John Romero telling his wife what he wants his next child to be called.
Anywhoo, next week I'll send you something that is a) an actual letter and b) publishable.
Please accept my apologies, Dagless. I appear to have ignored your instructions and published your letter, including your whimsical art.
I've got a new job directing a brand new Broadway presentation of Andrew Lloyd-Webber's 'Cats'. It's going to be the first ever staging of 'Cats' with a cast comprised entirely of people who have a phobia of both cats and 'Cats'.
Unfortunately, our rehearsals haven't been going too well. Last night, we were running through the Mr Mistoffelees song, but most of the cast were too busy shaking, shrieking, and crying with terror to even get the words out.
Our lead actor wet herself and was sick into her hand, and even her understudy committed suicide - unable to cope with the prospect of potentially appearing on stage with the entire cast of the musical 'Cats', while they were dressed as cats.