That was a good song wasn't it? Would you like to hear another? Unfortunately, there isn't time for another, as the latest Digitiser letters page is about to arrive, with a further batch of poorly proof-read correspondence.
From now on, we're going to try and make the letters a regular thing on Fridays - but we can only do that if you write to us.
If you would like to be immortalised on this page, all you have to do is send your questions, comments and "whimsy" here: firstname.lastname@example.org
Don't bother using the contact form, like everyone did when Mr Biffo upset the anti-Gamergate community by flashing them his "drama triangle". Those emails just go to a funny place, and probably won't get read. Oh well!
Like many other people, I never wrote into Digitiser back in the day. But I did often write and get published on Mega-Zine. Did you know the person who replied to the letters on there? I like to imagine it was the work experience kid, who was forced to do it in between sessions of being whipped with wet towels by the senior Teletext staff.
Dr Alex P. Gaywood
In fact, he's currently visiting the UK from his adopted homeland of um... 'Merica. Mr Biffo's seeing him next week for a "curry". He'll ask Cheese more about it then (except: he won't). Or you could just press reveal to see what Mr Cheese looks like these days:
As a lauded writer for both television and screen I am sure you are on good terms with the celebrities, especially Danny Dyer. I imagine you are pals. Now do this: go to Danny Dyer's house and surreptitiously administer a powerful laxative to the twinkly-eyed jewel of Eastenders.
When Danny Dyer shits himself and throws his underpants out of the window you must retrieve them and send them to me via first class post.
I will refund you when I have Danny Dyer's diahorrea. I presume you assumed that I was going to ask for an introduction to Danny Dyer when you read my opening line, let me assure you that I would never be so gauche.
After reading all the letters sent in by Amiga owners, I finally decided to open my wallet and dive right in.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the ugly grey box is not even in HD. That's right! The graphics were all at a low-def 720×576 resolution. HELLO, AMIGA FANBOYS, IT'S 2016.
In addition, I found the majority of Amiga games either didn't work (the storage medium is very inferior to Blu-ray and at least 50% of disks I tried gave me errors) and the ones that did work, were very primitive. I don't know what's wrong with Amiga fans, but I'm guessing they're drinking meths if they think for one moment that Lemmings, Cannon Fodder or Speedball 2 even deserve to exist in the same atmosphere as either Destiny, Fallout 4 or the truly groundbreaking The Order: 1886.
In closing, I have to say that despite the fact that I knew there was something very fruity about the Amiga owners, I had no clue they would be this horribly wrong. In future, I will ignore everything they say and stick to superior games devices, such as the Atari ST.
<make me up a clever name please, Biffs>
I am a friendless, unloved, solitary gamer. And in this world of online gaming I need some friends for a lil bit of Destiny-do (I have a cape!), and that.
I'm an XBoxer and if you wanna take pity on me and add me as a chum, my gamertag is Picston Shottle. Please do bear in mind four pertinent facts, though:
1. My missus hates me playing games
2. I have a one year old daughter
3. I live in California
4. I'm kinda old (so I'm crippled in the thumbs)
But if you can get past my limitations I really am lovable.
I want to apologise for all the trouble I caused, saying nasty things to Amiga owners.
It was wrong of me.
Looking back, I realise a lot of them couldn't help having Amigas.
Ms Person Who Reads You This Often: Every Day.
Lately I've found myself looking through the Digi 2000 archives for no reason in particular, and I came across this lovely article regarding the power of nostalgia that really struck a chord with me.
It's true; playing a game from times gone by can be an overwhelmingly comforting experience. Super Mario Bros on the NES will forever be a magical experience for me; not just because it's an absolutely wonderful game in its own right, but as much for the great memories I associate with that point in time.
But the article got me thinking; What about those games that don't just make us feel nostalgic, but instead bombard us with a whole range of feelings and emotions? There is one game and one game only that holds that sort of power over me, and that's Donkey Kong Country 2 on the SNES.
I'm sure the game needs no introduction to anyone, as it is rightly regarded as an absolute masterpiece. I first fell in love with the game all those years ago when it came out for the SNES, and come late 2005 I was getting a real itch to play through it again. Yep, I'm getting nostalgic about a time that I was getting nostalgic. It's like Inception, only not.
The only problem was that I no longer had a SNES, so I turned to emulation on the PC. It wasn't an ideal situation by any stretch; I didn't have a pad so I had to resort to using the keyboard (which was incredibly awkward to say the least) and my LCD monitor hardly represented the graphics in the best possible light, but at least I was able to play the game again after all those years.
And boy, what a game it was. The game-play was still as great as it ever was, and the music was simply phenomenal. I loved exploring this world again, it just felt right. I'd play it for a bit every single day, each time getting that bit further towards the big confrontation with Kaptain K. Rool. The end was in sight.
That's when it all came crashing down.
In the early hours of one cold, December morning (and just five days before my 20th birthday, no less), my father died right in front of my eyes from a massive heart-attack. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. It takes a lot of time and processing to get your head around the fact that someone you care about can be there one minute and gone the next.
So this is why, for me, DKC2 is a really bittersweet and frankly confusing piece of nostalgia. The game does indeed, as Mr Biffo put it so eloquently in his article, teleport me back to a time and a place that's safe. I can still feel the excitement of not only playing it for the first time as a child, but also the nostalgic glee of replaying the game as an adult all those years later.
For this DKC2 will always have a place in my heart. Yet, for all the joy and wonderful memories it's given me, I can still feel the great sorrow that coincided with my rediscovery of the game. Donkey Kong Country 2 has been there during some of the happiest times of my life as well as undoubtedly the darkest.
I never did complete it for a second time; somehow it just didn't feel right. Maybe one day I'll go back and finish what I started; after all, Donkey Kong isn't going to rescue himself.
It has come to my attention that Grave of the Fireflies has never been translated into a game. This, to me, is baffling, as the storyline surely is ideal to be taken on as a computer-based kart racing game, with some slight augmentations:
- Rename it from Grave of the Fireflies to Thundercats GP Ultro-Race.
- Name the characters after types of building material, such as 'Pipe & Drape' or 'Bevel Edge', or 'Marvin'.
- Set the game in 18th century France instead of Japan.
- Replace the main story about people dying or whatever with a family-friendly tale of rival siblings intent on being the best in the family at kart racing.
- Instead of opening discussion on the horrifying effects of nuclear war, have three leagues with each one faster than the last, where the winner of each league gets a gold medal and a better kart with which to race. That way, everybody wins, and people probably won't die.
I think I'm onto a winner here. I've contacted THQ to pitch my idea and am awaiting a response.
Review of Dark Souls 3, whatever that is, reminded me of something. You know the old, classic, Mario platform games? Super Mario Bros 1, 2 and 3 and Land and whatever else? Well I don't like them. I have never liked them. And so we have the meat and potatoes of this letter.
Maybe I missed the boat coz pretty much my first experience of them was with that Super Nintendo compilation of them, All Stars, so even then they seemed retro, but honestly, with zero degree of trying to be different, I pop them on randomly throughout the years to give them yet another chance and almost instantly I am bored, don't want to progress further, and only find fun in being on a green pipe after a flower thing has popped up and feeling that 'now I control that pipe', coz it doesn't pop up if you're already on it, does it? And the music.
That's it. That's my letter. It's rubbish isn't it? NOT AS RUBBISH AS OLD MARIO GAMES!
(PS. They got ok from Mario Kart onwards, though I stopped playing games between the Dreamcast and half-way into the PS3's life so I have no idea. Sod off.)
Where do the emails go? They go here: email@example.com