We all know how an overflowing bin can attract the local tamperers, so around this time of year, I prefer to bring my bins into the living room, where I can keep an especially close eye on them. Yes, it might whiff a bit when you have the family round, but it's the only idiot-proof method of keeping them safe.
Why not take your mind off the stink with these festive apps for your phones? But please... if you must USE these APPS, I would APPRECIATE it if you DIDN'T use THEM anywhere near MY bins. And I beg of you: no planes today.
From the makers of 'Nativity or Native I.T.?', this fun guessing game presents players with a series of extreme close-ups of Christmas trees and cress - can you solve the mystery of which is which? Ruder than it sounds. Contains profanity.
RAMONE ALONE (iOS/Android £Free)
The Ramones have gone on tour and left the late Joey Ramone home alone. Unfortunately, Joey has to contend with a pair of bumbling prowlers, who want to steal his guitar-shaped Christmas tree. How quickly can Joey compose a scary song that will discourage them from entering his house? In this needlessly offensive strategy game, you get to find out! Gluten free.
PROUST'S SPROUT SPOUT (iOS/Android £Free)
Playing as Marcel Proust, author of À la Recherche du Temps Perdu, you must attempt to fit as many sprouts into a naturally occurring spout as possible... before the arrival of Victorian art critic John Ruskin. Fail to hide a sufficient number of sprouts in the spout, and Ruskin will make you lick bread sauce from the palm of his comically oversized hand.
BILL TONG'S BILTONG SONGS (iOS/Android £Free)
William Tong is a member of the Connecticut House of Representatives. He is the first Asian to serve in the Connecticut General Assembly, the first Asian to be elected at State level in Connecticut history, the vice-chairman of the Energy and Technology Committee, and a serving member of the General Law and Judiciary committees... he also really likes dried, cured, South African meat. This app teaches you the chords and lyrics to the many songs he has written and performed about biltong, including 'Now't Wrong With Bill Tong (or Biltong)', 'Bang The Gong for Biltong, Dear', and 'The Biltong Bop'.
KEITH JERKE'S QUIRKY BEEF JERKY QWERTY TWERK (iOS/Android £Free)
Keith Jerke is the Regional Vice President for the Alberta division of the Intact Financial Corporation. On Linkedin he lists his skills as Commercial Insurance, Liability, Casualty, Retirement Planning and Risk Management. He's also a big fan of dried, salted meat, typing and twerking. This app brings together all of his interests, and allows you to take control of Jerke's life by making him twerk and eat jerky at the worst possible moments (board meeting, first date, foam party), by hitting keys on your qwerty keyboard. You'll possibly laugh out loud as Jerke begs you to stop!
RELIGIOUS DOGMA OR RELIGIOUS DOG MA? (iOS/Android £Free)
Can you tell the difference between the principles of the Christian faith and the sort of things the Virgin Mary might've said if she'd been a dog? This game tests you with a series of statements, and you get to choose which is which. Examples include: "Evolution is a lie created by Satan to take people away from God" and "Woof woof! The puppy Jesus is my son!".
Have an hysterical time exploring the world of Mark Twain, in a game that reimagines the American author and humorist as a slacker dude in a baseball cap. "The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why... NOT!"... "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option... PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT!"
LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW... LET IT, SNOW (iOS/Android £Free)
Not to be confused with the character from Game of Thrones, Jon Snow is a British journalist and television presenter. In Let It Snow, Let It Snow... Let It, Snow he finds himself transformed into a lurid weather diety, and must decide whether or not to let it snow at Christmas. Also includes a bonus gallery of Snow's most candid "snaps".