Ha ha. That’s just a little token robot humour there. That’s actually my phone number (please call immediately and offer your assistance – I’m in the most terrible pain).
I am Doctor Triv, the futuristic robot dude whose electronic brain is literally breaking under the weight of all the knowledge stored inside. In fact, my main CPU (whatever that might be) is malfunctioning so badly that barely any of my basic functions are working.
My movement cycle has been reduced to a sort of staccato waltz; I can manage little more than to bang my way along walls and around furniture, revolving on my own axis as I do so. My vocal circuits can produce nothing other than a dry, profanity-saturated, buzz. And worst of all, there’s a foul-smelling conductive foam pulsing out of rubber aperture in my basal cusp.
Oh well. I'm Doctor Triv.
Did I say that already?
On the plus side, everything appears to be working correctly in the trivia department, and thus I present to you now 20 completely accurate PlayStation-related facts drawn from my extensive database. These facts have been compiled to celebrate some sort of anniversary. I forget which one.
Oh my! The foam has begun pulsing at a greater volume – it has gone almost everywhere! <SINGS> I am-a-sliding and a-slippin' on the ran-cid scum! Yeah!
<ENGAGE PlayStation 20 TRIVIA MODE>
2. If you turn a PlayStation controller on its side, it looks a bit like the letter C, or a U. Or a lower case N. You can probably tell where this is going.
3. I’m sorry, but I’m still really distracted by all this foam…
4. There are so many pollutants contained in the PlayStation’s plastic casing, that scientists have estimated it has been single-handedly responsible for the deaths of over 100 polar bears.
5. And a couple of penguins.
6. Isn't it funny how you never hear about penguin ghosts? I think the best penguin ghost would be a headless penguin ghost. It would look like a sort of boot/flipper.
6b. Heavens… this froth… What an unfortunate mess…
7. This list really isn’t turning out as well as I’d hoped. Sorry – it’s this yeasty foam. You’ve no idea how much there is.
8. I might see if I can block up the aperture with something. Hold on a sec…
11. Back now. I rolled up a copy of Grazia and shoved it up my basal cusp. There’s less of the spume coming out now at least – it’s just spurting a bit around the edges. It's causing me some discomfort, but I can probably manage for now.
12. …Where was I?
13. Actually, look, I’m really sorry, everyone, but I’m thinking I might give up on this. I started out with the best of intentions, but I’ve lost all momentum now.
14. Oh great! The magazine has slipped out, and it’s gushing out again. I’m going to spread my legs – using my special robot leg joints – and repeatedly bend my knees to bang the magazine on the floor, whilst I raise my arms aloft. That should wedge it right in there. One moment, please…
16. …Get… Right. In. There…
19. Unfortunately, since we last spoke I have been escorted out of the coffee shop where I was using the free wifi, and now I’m having to rely on my internal router, which doesn’t work so good. Anyway, let's try and make the most of things. On with the trivial!
20. <8357 = ERROR_FXU_NOT_AN_OBJECT>
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PLAYSTATION!