It's the one day of the year when people around the world temporarily forget about all the bombs and slaughter and stuff that's happening, and head out to the shops to pick up some of those sweet bargains.
You don't want to miss out on your chance of fighting the crowds to grab a mildly discounted item, but if you want to stand a chance of picking up the sweetest bargains you'd better get down to your favourite shop fast. Hurry now!
Dejected, you start trudging slowly towards the back of the queue, and just hope there'll be some bargains left when you make it to the front.
Yet still the bargain hunters sway and murmur.
"Are you hissing at me sibilantly?" you ask.
"Well, who else would I be hissing at, dummy?" he replies. "I got an offer for you. How would you like to nab a sweet bargain before everyone else?"
"Do I ever!" you trill.
"Pretty soon that shop is going to be full of customers, punching, kicking and lashing out. Fortunately, I know a secret way into the shop. But I need you to do something for me."
Misinterpreting what the man might mean, you approach him with your tongue waggling. However, he bats it away, disgusted.
"Not that," he gasps. "I'm asexual."
"A sexual what?" you joke.
"This is the most precious item in the shop," he whispers.
"Probably," you reply. "But how am I gonna get inside?"
"Take this key. It opens the door to the stockroom round the back. Now hurry! We don't have long before opening time!"
You look around for the item the man wanted you to find. But before you can start your rummage, you hear a noise over your left shoulder.
"You can't be here," says the face. "The shop isn't open yet. Don't you know it isn't safe?"
"What do you mean it isn't safe?" you ask nervously, as heavy footsteps approach.
"Too late! He's coming!"
"Makes what quick and painless?" you enquire. "Are you referring to a sex thing?"
"No!" says the shelfman. "He's asexual."
"A sexual what?" you ask, again, laughing.
"What are you doing in my shop before it has opened?!" booms the imposing figure. "I am Brodgard, the king of Black Friday (in this shop), and you are transgressing on my turf."
"I... I... I... work here," you stutter, feebly.
"Lies!" bellows the king. "I know all my employees by sight, and you are not one of them. Tell me the truth, or I shall stab you right in the bum."
"Who gave you this?!" rages the king. "Was it an older gentleman in a sharp suit?!"
"That's him," you reply.
"Curse him! You would've thought he'd learned his lesson last year when he tried to steal all my bargain biltong."
"That's a funny name," you chuckle.
"Silence!" shrieks the King. "This is no laughing matter. Rod Portrait is always trying to get the sweet bargains before everyone else, ignoring the proper way of things. I cannot allow this to continue. Tell me, will you help me in bringing an end to Rod Portrait once and for all?"
"Alright," you say.
"I haven't finished!" counters the king. "In return I will give you an additional three percent off any item in my store."
"I said alright," you reply, impatiently.
"Take this sword," he growls. "And use it to stab Rod Portrait in the heart. I would do it myself, but I've never killed anyone before - just stabbed people right in the bum. It hurts, but it isn't lethal."
"Ok," you say, picturing a bum in your mind. "I understand."
"Well?" asks Rod Portrait. "Did you get it?"
"No!" you cackle. "You're going to get it, Rod Portrait! And by that I mean you're going to get this sword in your heart! Ha ha!"
"Who's Rod Portrait?" asks the man, confused, but before another word can spill forth from his lips, you thrust the sword through his heart. Rod Portrait, or whoever he is, drops to the floor, massively dead.
However, you realise with a smile that due to your bloodthirsty actions you are now the only person left in the queue.