Prior to that, I portrayed a popular TV toughfellow, in the television show 'The "A" Team', as well as its little known sequel 'The T Team'. Unfortunately, the latter was cancelled just three episodes in, after people pronouncing the name of the show were often accused of having a stutter.
We tried a further reboot of the franchise with another show entitled 'A Team', but somehow it just lacked a certain drama, and all seemed a bit vague. I lament its passing.
This week, I've been up to my elbows in my enormous mail-trench, fisting around for letters on the subject of health and wellness. But enough about that. Let's bring on the problems!
Dear Mr T,
I've had swollen ankles for the past month or so. Though they aren't painful, they do limit the flexibility of my foot, and look unsightly when I'm wearing capris. I wonder if it could be water retention, or poor circulation? Can you help?
MR T SAYS: I'm afraid you're asking the wrong man, Mrs Proust. I'm not a doctor, and it would be terribly unethical of me to try to advise you on medical matters. Why, I could end up giving you some advice that made the problem worse - not better! And then where would we be?!
However, I should advise you that I find SWOLLEN flesh to be unsightly and NAUSEATING, due to A terrifying encounter as a YOUTH, with a cankled DERELICT who lived in the UNDERPASS near my Grampy's BUNGALOW. If you flash me your repugnant ANKLES while I am dining AL fresco at my favourite cafe, Gino's Bijou, I WILL find myself COMPELLED to stride ACROSS to where YOU are sitting, TIP over your table, and STAMP on the GROUND near YOUR feet, getting closer AND closer and CLOSER and closer, while CROAKING and barking, until YOU agree to COVER your fattened skin.
Dear Mr T,
I'm considering getting laser eye surgery. However, I am in my 50s, and have heard that eyesight changes as you get older. Will the surgery last the rest of my life, or shall I just not bother?
MR T: Oh, Mr Krang. I'm afraid you've really asked the wrong man. I have near perfect 20-20 vision, so laser eye surgery isn't something I've ever considered. I'm sure you could find the answer to your question on the Internet, or by popping into your local optical boutique.
One word of caution, however. Should you proceed with the SURGERY, and your VISION improves dramatically, I would ADVISE against using your EYES to peer over MY garden fence, when I am HAVING a summer barbecue WITH my closest friends. If I see YOU engaging in this sort of common, peeping TOM-style behaviour, I will SHOULDER-charge my FENCE, slamming INTO it at high SPEED, and giving you a dreadful FRIGHT. If your HEAD should pop up a FURTHER time above the fence, I will FLING hot chops DIRECTLY AT your eyes and BROW.
Dear Mr T,
I've heard it's possible to contract Weil's disease from wheelie bins. Can you recommend a good disinfectant that won't poison the rats that live in mine?
MR T: I do hope this is a genuine request, Mr Bong. Weil's disease, or leptospirosis, is no laughing matter. It is a serious condition, and can cause a horrible bleeding of the lungs in severe cases. No doubt you are already aware that it is spread by rats - and if you are using your bins as some sort of home, for what I am assuming are domesticated rodents... well... it frankly beggars the mind.
I check my bins thrice a day - after every meal - to ensure they are both ratty and germy-free. Any refuse that I place in them is steamed to kill bacteria, before being vacuum-sealed, and disposed of. If I ever catch YOU hanging around them, placing RATS or other RODENTS inside, you will FEEL the full extent of MY inflamed dander, via my use of knives, staves and FLAILS. Stay AWAY from my BINS, you DEPLORABLE clown. Stay away, or I shall WHUP YOU badly.
Have you got a problem for Mr T? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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