In the 1970s it had great success with card sets based upon movie properties such as Star Wars and Superman: The Movie, yet it was only a matter of time before Topps dragged its sallow torso aboard the video game bandwagon (destination: Pootown!!!!).
In 1982, Donkey Kong became the subject of the first video game cards produced by Topps - so named by its founders, as it aimed to become "top" of its field (it did) - and would kick off a relationship with Nintendo that would see two further sets of Nintendo-based cards released in the coming years. One of these would feature characters from the Zelda series, the other boasting cards and stickers depicting various bare-skinned despots (NES games such as Punch-Out and Double Dragon).
Apropos nothing, other than the fact they're a quirky and rather pretty part of Nintendo history, here's a gallery of these so-called Donkey Kong "cards".
Like lottery game cards - which are, along with fags, White Lightning and Paddy McGuinness, popular with the proletariat - the Donkey Kong cards featured rub-off silver "dots". These would help or hinder your progress, or award points, depending on what was revealed beneath. There was no actual prize at the end - and it was all rather arbitrary as opposed to a game of skill, see - but successful players could take solace in the knowledge that Chancey the Fortune Elf smiled fondly upon them.
Also, it ensured that in decades to come, finding a set of Donkey Kong cards intact, without any of the silver bits rubbed-off, would be virtually impossible.
Interestingly - he says, presumptuously - the instructions for these cards referred to Mario as "Mario", rather than his original nickname of Dong-Lord 5000 ("Jumpman").
Thank Vishnu they beat that tendency out of him. Nobody wants a Mario whose Instagram feed is full of pictures of cold brew coffee in mason jars, and planks of wood covered in ethically-foraged kale and poutine foam, and who sits in cafes writing poems about urban beekeeping and crafting stilts for dogs.
It's food for thought; who really wants to be considered the bad guy? Isn't everyone certain that they're the hero in their own story? Even Hitler probably saw his own life as a sort of romantic comedy, and that guy was an absolute shit.
Yes: that is a cheap joke, but... well... these are desperate times.
Oh, Shigeru... will your misogyny never end?
"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"
So, in the first game, Mario wants to kill Kong. In the second game he has him imprisoned in his cage. Then in Mario's solo games he's stamping on turtles. And this is who Nintendo choose as their corporate mascot? Could you imagine if Mickey Mouse behaved like that?
Or what about Donald Trump - the mascot of America? There'd be uproar from the opposition party (CNN and the lying media). Fake news! Sad. Etc.
"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"
This is all the more troubling given that, as shown in this series of stickers, Donkey Kong is not some mindless animal - he has the capacity for reason, and sufficient intellect to speak English (which everyone agrees is the best language). In my book that amounts to murder. There, I said it: Mario is a murderer.
Then again, look at the image below it, and how Mario appears to be leaning away from The Beautiful Woman, as she moves to thank him sexually for rescuing her.
"Keep off my joystick - I'm riddled with syphilis."
These are the profound mysteries of the Topps Donkey Kong trading card collection.
"BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"
"You drive me bananas the way you keep changing careers, Mario."
Maybe we'll never know... Quick - press reveal to read the words "BR-R-RING ME LUCK!"