When I'm not pretending to be a harmless idiot by hanging from a tree branch by my Union Jack underpants, or being chased around a park by a British Bulldog, I'm busy issuing anti-European propaganda in the hope that my old friend David Cameron is forced to resign in the event of a failed Stay campaign, and I can have his job.
Very soon, everyone in the UK will get a say over Britain's future in the European Union - and I'm here to tell you that if we leave, it's going to be great news for gamers. Here I've listed just some of the ways in which games will get better without those meddling Eurocrats sticking their baguettes in.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and speak to my scriptwriters about my next big comedy scrape: accidentally getting my head baked inside a Hovis, while a puffin nips at my calves!
If you do the right thing and vote Leave, we shall all be expected to do our patriotic duty by standing to attention and saluting Her Majesty whenever we complete a game. And then we shall be obliged to face towards Europe, and raise two fingers, while sneering and rolling our eyes.
Online avatars can look like anyone, and require no visas. You've no way of knowing whether the person you're dealing with is an honest, decent, British Citizen, such as a Pearly King or a Scottish woman... or a stinking onion salesman/Hitlerboy.
When we leave the EU, there'll be none of that nonsense, fingers crossed: if a foreigner wants to interact with British people online they will first be required to obtain the correct paperwork, and agree that their avatar resemble an offensive cartoon caricature of whatever nationality they claim to be.
Real terrorists live in other countries, and are all horrible and stuff. They don't even speak English most of the time, unless they're the boss terrorist.
You've probably seen them in games such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, where they're shooting at our poor troops, wearing scarves around their heads, and setting off nuclear bombs. Let's get this scourge out of our games, and see a return to the gentleman terrorists of yore. At least they'd give you a phone warning before blowing up a horse.
When we leave Europe, we'll get more games which show us just how wretched Europe and the rest of the world really is, while demonstrating that being British is the single best thing in the world. And they'll be better than the games we have now, of course, and make you rich.
But at least English will be their first language, and - you never know - they might even set up an online poll asking you what sort of video games you'd like more of. Anything could happen once we get shot of those rascally Europeans. Or, as I like to call them, "You're-a-Penis".
We need more games featuring British characters like Lara Croft and Soap McTavish, who promote Britishness by sticking icepicks in people's heads while grunting in proper received pronunciation. And this is what we'll get if we vote "Leave", hopefully.