But don't be wasting my time, mah frizzle. I got some epic shiz and biz to be getting down wiz. I am cray busy, brah. I gotta get to my fair-trade banjo class at six on the hour, and then have to paint up some banners for the anti-democracy rally me and Jonty Pippin are organising on Tumblr. The name of our movement? "Dem' Bonerz". LOL out loud.
Democracy clearly just don't work, mate, and if you ask me there was no point in all them soldiers and that fighting against Hitler back in the War an shit. Talk about glorifying combat, or something. It is well wrong, just like Gnome Chomsky probably says in his books, which I have definitely read all the way through.
So gimme that game news in list form, my nizzle. Gimme it sick, and gimme it fast. Fire those bullet-points at me. Let's go!
(Incidentally, if mummy is reading this, I dropped my phone in a bowl of organic kale and quinoa dal last night, and broke the screen. But just in case you didn't get my last text - yes, I am coming to Tarquin's baptism on Sunday - thanks!).
- Woah. Do I look like a text-glutton, or are you just trying to give me fat eyes? How am I supposed to have time to digest all that? What is this - an all-you-can read buffet at the mobile community library!? If you can't handle the shiz, just cut out every other word, FML.
++ ITEM! A leak would appear to suggest that Doctor Who and Portal 2 are to join The Simpsons, Jurassic World and Back to the Future as level packs in Lego's forthcoming Amiibo-a-like title, Lego Dimensions.
- Yeah, that was about two inches shorter than the last wedge of text, but it's still too long, guy. You're losing me here. What is this - a listicle, or the words equivalent of a well-long ski-jump ramp?!
++ ITEM! Sega is due to miss next month's E3 show in Las Vegas - the first time in the show's history that Sega will not have a booth. In what is likely to be a connected statement, the company has described its full-price software sales over the past 12 months as "weak", singling out Alien Isolation and Sonic Boom as two titles that performed worse than expected.
- Mate? Mate, seriously? That's about twice the multishizzle as the previous two things. You're seriously testing my attention span here. I mean, y'know, how would you like me to come and waste your time when you've got a bikram yoga and developing world poetry-reading meet-up to get to in Hackney?
++ ITEM! Nintendo has yet to confirm that its next Zelda title will be appearing on the Wii U in 2016. Rumours are beginning to mount that the game could be held back for Nintendo's next system - the NX (which Nintendo boss Satoru Iwata hinted is likely to be region-free... though the company has also stated that further details on its "new concept" of hardware won't be revealed until next year).
- It's still getting longer! You've got one more chance, and then I'm off. Seriously. I could've long- boarded over to Jonty's and grown some dreads by now.
++ ITEM! Nintendo has signed a deal with Universal Studios to bring its characters and worlds to the company's international theme parks.
- Better. Let's keep this sweet ball of sweetness rolling.
++ ITEM! US on-demand TV service Hulu is reportedly developing a show based upon the achingly dull 1993 graphic adventure, Myst.
- No. NO! Needs to be shorter. Much shorter. Haiku short.
++ ITEM! Fallout 4.
- Yeah, bwoy! That's what I'm talking 'bout.