We decided to pit four video game characters against four real-life personalities, inputting the data into Digitiser2000's special fight computer, P-Tronz. The results may surprise you.
Military pilot Chris Redfield is one of the stars of the Resident Evil series. Chris de Burgh is a singer, famous for hits such as Lady in Red and A Spaceman Came Travelling. In our hypothetical scenario, Redfield and de Burgh are both attempting to dine at their local Nando's, when an argument breaks out over whose turn it was to be served.
de Burgh lightly slaps Redfield in the cheek, pouting indignantly. "Wait your turn" hisses the singer, camply.
Redfield turns to walk away - he's better than this. But de Burgh won't let it go. "Don't turn your back on me!" he screeches. "I haven't finished yet.
"I want to know why you pushed in front of me".
Redfield: "You pushed in front of me".
"How dare you!?" screams de Burgh, loud enough that everyone in the restaurant can hear him; he has an audience now, and he's loving it. "I've never pushed in front of anyone! Don't you know who I am? I wrote Lady in Red and A Spaceman Came Travelling. I demand that you give me an - "
Before de Burgh can finish, Redfield - incensed by this tawdry public display - punches de Burgh hard in the stomach, bringing him to his knees. He turns to the counter and orders a Jumbo Platter (extra hot) for one, as de Burgh groans and rolls on the ground at his feet.
WINNER: Chris Redfield
Master Chief is the protagonist of Bungie's Halo series, a genetically-engineered supersoldier with an amory of weaponry at his disposal. Masterchef is a BBC television show, presented by Gregg Wallace - a bald man with alleged anger issues - and John Torode, an Australian.
Master Chief has inexplicably entered the TV cookery competition, and just been told he won't be making it through to the next round. Furious that his spinach and beetroot wellington has been deemed "bland and undercooked", the Spartan warrior jabs an angry finger towards the judges.
"You should give me a second chance," he growls.
"There are no second chances in Masterchef," snaps Torode.
Wallace turns red: "You are not to question our judgement. Leave now with good grace."
Master Chief: "I'll show you good grace."
Master Chief reaches for the plasma launcher stored on his back. Realising what is about to happen, Torode and Wallace scramble for cover. They dive behind a counter, as the first blast strikes the wall behind them, sending pans and utensils flying.
"Cooking doesn't get tougher than this," weeps Wallace, as a second blast demolishes the counter top. Trembling, the two judges crawl from the smoking ruins, and cower behind a freestanding sink.
But this time they are too slow - Master Chief obliterates them both in a pulse of pink energy, and a cloud of red vapour. Wallace manages just three final words, before the plasma blast strikes him: "Buttery biscuit base".
WINNER: Master Chief.
Big Daddy is best known for being the cyborg guardian of Rapture, the underwater city seen in the Bioshock games. Big Daddy - real name Shirley Crabtree Jr - was a British wrestler, who died of a stroke in 1997.
Stepping into the wrestling ring, Big Daddy starts playing to the crowd. Arms aloft, he conducts his supporters in a chant: "Easy! Easy!". Behind him, Big Daddy clambers under the ropes, his rusting metallic body making his movements clumsy and ill-cordinated. As he gets to his feet, Big Daddy unleases his signature body slam - but rebounds off, Big Daddy's ton of weight proving impossible to shift.
Before either competitor can perform another move, Big Daddy stumbles backwards, huffing and puffing, and clutching his chest. He turns an unhealthy shade of purple, drops to his knees, and promptly dies, again. Diagnosis: heart attack.
WINNER: Big Daddy.
Donkey Kong is one of Nintendo's most iconic characters, who has appeared countless times in both his own titles, and the Mario Kart series. King Dong is a human male, reputed to have the largest penis in the world.
En route to a week's vacation on the Galapagos Islands, King Dong's private jet suffers technical difficulty, and crashes into the jungle. Scrambling out of the smoking wreckage, he sees a huge brown ape glowering at him from atop a rocky bluff. Before Dong can react, Kong has leapt in front of him, and begun beating his chest. Aware that this is a merely display of alpha male dominance, Dong quickly removes his clothes, and begins swinging his penis back and forth between his legs. Kong is momentarily transfixed by the hypnotic motion.
Aware that he has a momentary advantage, Dong begins advancing on Kong, swaying his hips from side to side, sweeping the jungle floor with his immense phallus. Swoosh! Swoosh! Swoosh!
Kong tilts his head to one side, curious as to where this might lead. But before the ape can break free of his reverie, Dong has begun twirling his gargantuan love-cyclops around his head. Kong quickly recovers, grabs Dong's skull between his mighty hands, and flings him at a tree. Dong's body drops limply to the ground.
WINNER: Donkey Kong.