Good God in a sex pod. Most game news is dull, isn't it? I mean, when you look at the bland, unsweetened oatmeal that passes for most game news these days, it's little wonder that everyone's plucking at the carcass of the Peter Molyneux/Godus story like a pack of musical sewer rats. If you're a games fan, that's literally the only thing going on that's actually interesting. Why do we pretend to care about stuff that is so spine-compactingly dull?
I have it on good authority that one of Digitiser 2000's wretched overlords attempted to write a story this morning about the length of The Order: 1886 (apparently it's only five-and-a-half-hours long, boo-hoo). Unfortunately, while writing the piece, he apparently so bored himself that he slit his own throat with the edge of a DVD. It's the single greatest tragedy of all time.
Seriously though, is it just me, or did things seem more exciting back in the day? It's like we've become so gripped with this notion that games are a grown-up medium that the stories we report on are trying too hard to be grown-up.
Y'know, we all get to a certain age, and end up at dinner parties where everyone's sitting around talking about laminate flooring, or wine, or their poxy new watch... and I bet you everyone is secretly wishing the conversation would stop being so dull, so they could start jumping on the furniture, throwing Wotsits at one another. Some days, that's where it feels like we are with video games.
"I say, Tarquin - did you hear that Monster Hunter 4 has shipped three million copies worldwide?"
"Goodness me, Hemflap. That truly is a development. What fascinating news. They must be so pleased. Mm. This Malbec has quite the bouquet, incidentally. What vintage is it?"
Face it, most video game news stories are nothing but the PR bugle calls of a corporate agenda anyway. I look at what passes for news and most of it washes across my vision like a scientific formula. You know: the sort that a socially inadequate boffin would scrawl on a blackboard in a film.
It's all press release-massaged numbers and statistics. Oh, such-and-such-a-thing is selling better than some other thing. This thing has more things in it than that other thing. Last year's thing done a thing and here are some numbers to show you just how much of a thing it thinged: £143,000, 98,000,000, and 2.4g.
Do we really care?! How can we? How dull must we be to care about how long The Order: 1886 takes to complete? Or how well Mario Amiibos are selling? Or how much faster Evolve runs on the Xbox One compared to PC? Can you actually imagine sitting around having a conversation about any of these things?! If you do - please, with the greatest respect, pour wet concrete down your own throat, and lock yourself in a trunk.
I've had enough. I've reached twanging point. I don't care about any of the items that seem to be considered interesting enough to beat into the rough shape of a news story. I don't want to know how well something has sold. Or how much a thing cost. Or hear your bleating whinge about a game being too short. Or even read your review of yet another landfill action game; we already know what it's going to be like. Save yourself the effort.
Nobody remotely cares anymore.
It's just guff.
Your audience has left the building, and you're performing your tired soliloquy to a theatre that's empty, save for a few dirty, diseased pigeons, grounded because of the half-sucked boiled sweets stuck to their wings.
FAT SOW'S OPINIONS DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITISER 2000.
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