Father's answer: "I don't know anything about that. When you get a chance, can you come over and fix my Kindle? All my books have gone and I can't connect it to the wifi."
Everyone keeps debating about who "won" E3, and nobody can seem to agree on anything, other than the fact that Ubisoft done a really good presentation.
Some felt that Microsoft - baring to the world both its legs and its new ultra-powerful Xbox One Eggs - were the winners... while others felt that the Xbox One Eggs is missing the point of gaming entirely.
Some fans claimed that Sony blew away the competition like a dirty Henry... while other commentators decried their showing as limp and complacent (not to be confused with Limp & Complacent - The Netherlands' premiere cabaret duo).
Nintendo, as is now traditional, chose to save its announcements for an online presentation - which finally gave us a proper sense of what else is on the way for Switch. There weren't many surprises... beyond, perhaps, how utterly mental Super Mario Odyssey appears to be.
Click the links at the bottom for my take on the Sony and Microsoft's showings. On your way down there, why not pause to read a round-up of everything else that has earned my needlessly intense scrutiny over the past few days? You might actually learn something for once.
I sort of loved Wolfenstein: The New Order - far more than I'd expected to. I suspect many others also believed it was going to be a rather rote FPS with uber-Nazis. Appearances can be deceiving, however - just ask The Hermit Crab Society - and The New Order turned out to be a lot smarter and funnier and more affecting and original than anybody predicted.
The hope is that the sequel will follow in a similar vein - even if it is trotting out the old Nazis-Rule-America trope.
The trailer looked great; full of character and wit. The only bit about it which bothered me was a sort of montage of gore towards the end. I've not got a problem with violence in games, but this felt gratuitous, and - for my money - sent the wrong sort of message. I dunno. In the current world climate, I'm just somewhat uncomfortable with the amount of blood and axe-swinging.
Obviously, Wolfenstein 2's setting could be viewed as a thinly-veiled commentary on the state of America right now. This has some liberals shouting "We've never needed a game more!", and those on the right responding with this noise: "So much for the tolerant left..."
Attention: all of you bloody people are awful.
Another sequel to a game I'm very fond of, Shadow of War is going to expand on Shadow of Mordor's rather clever Nemesis system.
You might recall that this allowed you to follow a unique story of your own, with enemies harbouring grudges, and... well, it wasn't quite as revolutionary as they led us to believe, but it was still pretty neat.
The expanded version of Nemesis was demonstrated with some actual gameplay - unlike many other games at E3 - showing your Ranger character dominating a hulking Australian orc called Bruz (pronounced "Bruce"). Some absolutely sublime characterisation was on display, and - if we're to assume that this passive display of xenophobia will be on display across the entire game - all the American-voiced orcs are going to be called things like "Hank" or "Cletus".
My main hope is that it finds new things to do with the gameplay, and that they've upped the difficulty a little. Far too early on in Modor I became virtually invincible, and any sort of challenge flew right up my chutney Chunnel (another name for "anus").
Yes. This is coming. As well as battles and characters from all eras of Star Wars, we're also getting the single player campaign that we all complained was lacking in the previous Battlefrontbottom.
Oddly, EA has mostly been pushing the multiplayer, and I'm still not really getting a sense of the campaign. You know: because everything shown so far has been from cinematic sequences. Not helpful, EA. You should learn to "EA've" yourselves. Ha ha. Too funny.
This took everyone by surprise at the Ubisoft presentation for two reasons: 1) Nobody saw it coming, and 2) The levels of swearing.
Again - as with violence - I've no problem with the dirty words, providing its justified. In fact, many of my favourite words are rude ones. In the South Park games, which Ubisoft was also showing off, it was entirely within context. Here though, it just felt like a hamfisted attempt to be edgy, rather than rooted in character or setting.
As a dad, I feel uncomfortable playing any overtly sweary game with the family around. Plus, it feels like it just shuts out younger players - who could otherwise enjoy what's on offer, but might never get the chance.
Still... the cinematic they showed looked gorgeous (even if some people complained that it looked nothing like the 15 year-old original). What a shame it didn't really reveal anything about the game other than the fact it exists. Yes: this was a bit of an issue when it came to a lot of E3 unfortunately.
Now... I have a bit of a resistance to co-op games, but EA's prison breakout 'em up has my interest. In part, that's because it's designed to play in split-screen - either online or locally - so that each player can see what the other is up to (including points where one player being in a cut-scene while the other is moping around doing stuff).
Also: at least it's not another bloody post-apocalyptic zombie game.
Also: we've all wanted to go to prison, right? I already spend my life sitting on my arse not doing much. How's prison a punishment? It'd just be like being at home without the guilt of not having fixed the kitchen cupboard doors.
"Sorry, love. Can't fix them now. I'm in prison."
"That's your excuse for everything."
"Got to go. Apparently, it's my turn to pick up the soap."
The second pirate game of E3. With it coming from Ubisoft, when the presentation for this began I started gasping and found it difficult to stop: they'd only gone ahead and done a standalone Black Flag game! Well... the parts of Black Flag set on boats anyway.
Except: they hadn't done that.
It's hard to tell, but as gorgeous as this seems to be, it's Black Flag without all the Assassin's Creed stuff, and one or more sea monsters. I'm less interested in that, unfortunately. It was the variety in AC: Black flag which made it such a joy. Still... we'll see.
Pirate games do of course have an advantage over pirate movies. At least during the production of a pirate game, your main star isn't going to be revealed as an abusive and aggressive drunk whose behaviour threatens the entire project not that I'm referring to any one actor...
So... basically, Skylanders with spaceships, and a visual style that looks as if it borrows heavily from No Man's Sky (No Man's Skylanders? Do you see?).
Seemingly, you build little plastic space ships which sit on your controller, and then customise them mid-game to add new weapons that are grated onto your ship on-screen.
What a great idea! I'd have loved this when I was 12. Do you know what else I liked when I was 12? Getting presents.
I've enjoyed all the Far Cry games without exception, but the series is beginning to feel a little predictable. This one is particularly timely, given its real-world US setting - a big slice of Montana, that has been taken over by an extremist religious cult. Like Wolfenstein 2, this has caused something of a stinkuss about it how it's potentially satirising the current political and social climate in America.
Well, if you don't want people to make fun of you - try not being a gun-toting racist who thinks dinosaurs and climate change are a hoax.
I'm not convinced that, beyond the setting, Far Cry 5 is going to do much to reinvigorate the formula, but I'm still enough of a fanboy to be there the day it's released.
Well now... this looks insane.
The first bona-fide Super Mario game for some years, Odyssey's two main conceits are as follows: 1) Mario in the real world (or at least a rough approximation of it), and 2) Mario's hat is now magic, and can be used as a weapon, a platform, or thrown onto the heads of objects and enemies, which Mario can then possess. When Mario possesses a thing, that thing sports Mario's moustache.
Which is a nice little touch. I think most of us have at some time or another wished we had Mario's moustache on our upper lip.
The mix of new ideas with old-school Mario platforming - 2D sections within 3D levels - shows that the series hasn't forgotten its roots entirely, while the photorealistic T-rexes and yellow taxi cabs and the like are certainly intriguing.
It might turn out to be a jarring shift, but there's no question that the trailer - complete with very literal theme song - was a bonkers joy to behold.
It's a new Ubisoft Rabbids game - featuring a gun-wielding Mario and Peach - in what appears to be a light-hearted take on XCOM. It's a weird proposition, but it's looking as if more third-party Switch games are going to have this sort of exclusive Nintendo-themed content (Skyrim, for example, will feature Zelda's Master Sword and Link's iconic pyjamas).
I love Yoshi games, and I love Kirby games, but both of these left me underwhelmed. Neither seemed to be doing anything particularly new - and the new Kirby especially looked like every other Kirby game. Yoshi at least had a sort of nice DIY craft aesthetic, but I was left un-wowed.
I never played Xenoblade Chronicles. Fact is, it's time for me to accept that I find the traditional JRPG aesthetic off-putting. That's my problem. Still, the original's mix of fantasy and sci-fi appears to be back in this massive open world, and plenty of you are already doing this: an excited big honk.
As hoped, Nintendo announced a new Metroid for Switch: Metroid Prime 4. And then it announced another Metroid: Samus Returns for the 3DS! Nothing was shown of the former beyond a logo, while the latter is a side-scrolling classic-style Metroid. Let us hope that Metroid Prime 4 isn't the only surprise Nintendo has left lingering up its cleft.
And that's it, guy. That's all the E3!