Drop your guard, and before you know it you've ordered a diamond-encrusted duck call... which arrives the next day in a box the size of a bungalow, stuffed with inflatable packaging pillows.
Here are 25 things you might only buy in your darkest moments. Suffice to say, one or two of these are a little on the NSFW side...
As far as we can work out, there are two types of people who would buy a clockwork "Beatin' Barack":
1) Somebody who doesn't mind that their gift will be thrown in the bin after 5 minutes.
"Are those pigs in blankets?" your guests will ask, while you chuckle to yourself, and stroke your lips and eyelids enigmatically.
Even the manufacturers seem unsure why anybody would need such a large amount. They ask: "Wrestling match? Biggest adult party ever? If you are looking for a simply jaw-dropping amount of lube Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this 55 gallon drum! You may never run out of lube again."
The important words there are "may never".
This comment on the reviews doesn't help matters much: "I was wondering about the feel of the breast?
Does it feel authentic? I'm worried that when I go to save an obese man's life that I won't be successful because I'll be nervous about touching his breast. I'm weird. Call me old fashion. But this is something I lay awake and think about. Also - can you please let me know if the lips feel authentic as well?"
There's only one review: "lower quality than expected...didn't work well when tested..."
Perhaps it didn't hold his anger.
It remains to be understood why anybody would be jealous of the sort of person who spends over fifty dollars on such an abomination. But each to their own.
The reviews don't reveal much - as they're mostly of people complaining that the testicle door knocker is too expensive. Turns out that you can price a bronzed door knocker with balls too high.
"Well, I've got my Batman costume ready. What are you going as to Brandreth's birthday party?"
"A man what has shit hisself LOL."