CUT TO 10 YEARS LATER:
A bloated and sickly-looking Mr Biffo is strapped into a VR bodysuit and helmet, cleaning his groin with an empty crisp packet on the end of a pencil.
Here are 13 apps that you should consider getting for the Quest. Why 13 and not a nice round number? I would've done more, but I need to go upstairs for a poo!
In terms of realism, it's somewhere halfway between the arcade-y flailing of Wii Sports Boxing and a more considered sim. Admittedly, there is still a lot of chaotic flailing in the middle of fights - and it's a bit too easy to accidentally move the thumbstick mid-flail, so that you end up facing away from your opponent - but this might be the best opportunity you'll ever have to punch Mr T in the face.
Between the lunging of my arms, and dodging punches coming my way, I was rendered all achey in the muscles.
It's basically a VR cross between Galaxians/Space Invaders and a first-person shooter.
Armed with two guns, either of which can be switched for a shield or a sort of magnetic lasso thing by reaching into your "backpack", you shoot wave after wave of enemy, while dodging or deflecting their lasers/missiles. Thanks to the thump of your guns, it's a game that makes you feel like the coolest pirate in space.
They should've called this game "Arrrrrr!"-Zone.
Indeed, I got to see my driveway as it was before some gentlemen turned up with pickaxes and started smashing it up without permission, and then charged me two grand to finish the job. As furious as I was at the time, it needed doing, and - thus far - the driveway hasn't subsided.
This does raise questions, however. In the original Angry Birds, the avians were seemingly going willingly to their deaths. Here you are the one firing them at the pigs. It's a miracle PETA hasn't yet made a searing parody game highlighting that it isn't funny to shoot birds from a catapult.
Be warned: between this and Superhot I done my back in.
For me, these sorts of first-person documentaries are a signpost to the future of VR; educational without being dry. There's a great Chernobyl one on the Go as well, which I hope gets ported over.
It was so realistic it made me sterile!
It's strange how well platform games work in VR; it's a genre I would never have thought would transfer (not outside of a first-person experience anyway). I'd love to see what Nintendo could do with the genre.
There are various sports games available, a couple of simple first-person shooters, but the real appeal is in user-created rooms. Apparently, it has been very popular on other platforms, demonstrating that not everyone is as wilfully antisocial as I am.
If you can forget that, and play with the non-sickness-inducing controls, it's actually pretty decent - a large world to explore, armed with your crossbow and sword. Admittedly, I would've preferred it without the immersion-breaking conceit that your character can transform into a god (yes, again) and manipulate the landscape, making it a weird (but not wholly unsuccessful) mix of Zelda and Populous.