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Found Footage awakens, as Mr Biffo brings you a very special selection from his video tape archives. Featuring Goujon John, Ghee-Lord, DJ Trendy Peanut - and more!
Please share and like if you enjoy Mr Biffo's Found Footage!
The children of the 1970s and 80s had little access to violent or graphic material. If we wanted to experience true, undiluted, fear, we had but two options: meet a BBC television show host... or play a game of Waddington's Horror Top Trumps.
Until the release of the two Horror sets in 1978, Top Trumps had focused mostly on vehicles - cars, helicopters, tanks and the like. The Horror Trumps were different; luridly hand-drawn, and giving youths the opportunity to finally settle the age-old question of who was more horrific - Dracula or Frankenstein. And it wasn't just the big screen monsters who got an outing in these Top Trumps packs - but monsters that were conceived entirely for the two sets, such as The Zetan Priest and "Maggot".
It didn't matter to us that all of the images had been copied from elsewhere - that the Venusian Death Cell jailer was clearly a Sea Devil from Doctor Who. All we knew is that the Trumps, offered without context or comment, depicted scenes more grisly and violent than our young minds could've ever conceived on their own.
Brace yourselves - for here are just ten of these truly horrific Trumps...
DONALD TRUMP JOKE!!!!!
Nowadays, the only thing you can buy via mail order is Russian brides, apparently. Back before American industry all went overseas, and the American landscape became dotted with abandoned factories like tombstones, you could buy almost anything by mail order. And here are ten of those things.
Poor old Star Trek. For me, it was always a sad relation to Star Wars. Whereas Star Wars felt scrappy and bonkers and exciting, Star Trek was always far too talky. I mean, I watched it growing up - we all did. Even The Next Generation. And I quite like the JJ Abrams reboot.
But there was always a part of me that found the TV show a bit preachy and worthy. I mean... in The Next Generation one of the main characters was the ship's counsellor, for pity's sake. I didn't want "Claire Rayner in Space"...!
Still, at least the merchandise failed to reflect the touchy-feely tone of the show. In fact, most of it barely reflected the show at all...
Hey - the Nintendo Switch isn't the only Nintendo product to launch with barely any software support. Released in 1985, Nintendo's R.O.B. - its Robotic Operated Buddy - was heavily promoted alongside the NES, and doubtlessly helped Nintendo gain a foothold, following the 1983 video game crash.
Unfortunately, R.O.B. might've had good intentions - he was designed to be a second player for friendless youths - but only worked with two games; Gyromite and Stack-Up. Aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes, Nintendo?
Of course, R.O.B. wasn't the only commercially available "robot" in the robot-obsessed 1980s. Here are ten more.
It's impossible to overstate how popular Masters of the Universe toys were in the 1980s. Not only were the figures colourful and packed with action features, but there was a barely-concealed undercurrent of homoeroticism.
All those leather harnesses, tiny pants, and bare legs... No wonder they were called Masters of the Universe - they probably spent most of their time sitting around "masting". Ho ho.
Anyway. Masters of the Universe toys might've been popular - but they were also utterly ridiculous, with their calcified knees, and top-heavy bodies. If they existed in the real world, they'd probably require corrective surgery.
Here are the ten stupidest.
I've probably mentioned before about how I sold all my Star Wars toys for £50 in 1984, to have spending money for a trip to America to visit my sister. It broke my heart, and then it broke my heart again when I saw all the Star Wars toys on America store shelves, which weren't available back home.
Worse still, there was a new action figure craze sweeping America in 1984 - Transformers - which was clearly encroaching on the space that retailers were prepared to give over to Star Wars toys. With no new Star Wars movies on the horizon I could see that the writing was on the wall.
Maybe it was bitterness, maybe it was me telling myself that I needed to grow up, but I always viewed Transformers with suspicion after that point. Consequently, even with the dollars burning a hole in my thigh, I was never tempted to buy one... however cool I might've felt they were beneath my affected disinterest.
This is long overdue, but it is at last time for me to enact some degree of retribution on the toys which I associate with throttling my childhood prematurely. Here are the ten worst Transformers ever.
Next week, Nintendo hammers another nail into the coffin of its Wii brand, as it unveils further details about its Switch console.
It feels like only yesterday since we all baulked at the name of the Wii - speculating that everyone would be laughing too hard to actually buy the thing. Well, we all got that wrong, though many of us put our money were our laugh glands were when the Wii U came out, and never bought one.
Please, embrace this one final chance to have a giggle at the Wii's expense, with this gallery of barely-concealed Wii bootlegs.
Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. Like most of you... around this time of year, I usually buy a turkey from the supermaket, carve a scary face into it, place a candle inside, and leave it out the front of my house.
Here's a top life-hack: to discourage foxes from stealing your turkey, tie a handbell to your wrist, and stand next to the turkey with a cutlass. Every time you wave the cutlass, the bell will ring, and any nearby foxes might have a heart attack.
The thing I love most at Christmas is laughing. Sometimes I just stand by the Christmas tree in the living room, laughing loudly to myself and others. Sometimes my family ask that I stop. Other times they just leave the room, and let me carry on.
If you'd like the laugh along with me this Christmas, here are some jokes I've written for you to print out, roll up, and slide into your family crackers on Christmas Day. Your relations will no doubt find them considerably more mirthsome than the default funnies you get in most crackers. I hope so anyway. I hope you all like my jokes. Well anyway. Bye then. Yeah, bye. Bye - hope your family like my jokes. Have a good Christmas, yeah? Yeah, ok. Bye then. Bye. Enjoy my jokes, yeah? OK.
THE ULTIMATE PRANK: SHOW THESE DEPRESSING SNOWMEN TO YOUR DAD AND PRETEND TO HIM THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE!
Christmas time is almost here, and you've probably already started building your snowman. It's a Christmas tradition: get out into that thick, thick snow, and build a sillychillywhiteguy.
Here's a cool idea for adding a little extra winter spice to your Christmas snowman-building: playing a prank on your dad by showing him one of these snowman photos, and pretending not to know what they are!
My parents always seemed hard up.
Barring one visit to America, because my sister had moved over there, summer holidays were always spent in a budget caravan in some affordable spot of the UK. I remember fielding calls from Barclaycard's debt management department while my mother pretended not to be in. We also had numerous lodgers, and for a while I shared a room with my two older sisters, so one of these hairy waifs had somewhere to sleep.
Yet at Christmas my mum always went all-out. Food would be stacked from sideboard to ceiling, and the pile of presents was always huge, and - with hindsight - probably rather vulgar. Spoilt doesn't even cover it, but it perhaps became a way to compensate for the rest of the year. I dunno. Or maybe I was the best kid ever, and just really deserved it all.
Apropos it being Christmas, here's a rundown of some of the best things I ever got.
And thus, the annual orgy of consumerism is upon us. Are you one of those people who thinks Christmas has become too commercialised, without actually giving any actual historical precedent for what you think Christmas is actually for?
Fair enough if you don't like Christmas because you're on your own, or your cat died on Christmas Day when you were six, or you follow some other religion, or something. But be honest about it, and don't try to dress up your objection as some sort of moralistic crusade against capitalism. It just makes you look holier-than-thou and stupid.
Buying presents is great. Getting them is even better.
I mean, you've never been to church, so what is your objection? Plus, let's face it... given your age, have you ever known a time when Christmas wasn't commercialised? Could it be that you're just objecting on knee-jerk principle, for the sake of being controversial, and because you're too scared to make yourself appear vulnerable? Might be worth having a think about exactly why you're always being so thoroughly contrary.
Here's another idea: if you don't like that people getting loads of presents for one another at Christmas, as an expression of their love and affection, why don't you try keeping your mouth shut?
Anyway... behold a gallery of video game kids from the olden days, when nobody gave a flying tart about how commercialised Christmas had become.
Congratulations to Donald Trump, the new president-elect of the United States of America! How did this ultimate political outsider achieve such an historic, establisment-upending, upset? With hard work.
In fact, Donald worked so hard that he didn't even have time to go to the lavatory during his long campaign. Here's a gallery of his finest moments on the road to the Brown House, along with some choice Trump quotes.
Like many of you, I've been watching Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror on Netflix. Obviously, like most of you, I think it's great.
Unlike most of you, it's a hard watch for me, because many years ago I received an email from Charlie tentatively asking if I would like to work on Series One of the show. That might sound rather surprising, but this was at a time when my career appeared to be in the ascendant, before I disappeared off a cliff for seven years, to hide away in the relatively anonymous world of kids TV.
I never heard from Charlie again... and then Black Mirror appeared to enormous critical acclaim. I harbour precisely zero resentment over this - not least because I watch Black Mirror now without any idea how I'd go about writing something that's quite so grown-up and intelligent. Plus Charlie is clearly more than capable of writing it on his own without any outside help.
Nevertheless, I'm not too proud to admit that I do suffer a slight pang of envy upon watching the show. Charlie and I started out in a similar place, as games journalists with a bit of a cartoonist background... yet our paths diverged massively. Whereas I went on a journey that led to me writing the tainted chalice that was Pudsey The Dog: The Movie, Charlie simply went from strength to strength - either as a journalist, TV presenter, or screenwriter. Somehow, he had the career that people told me I was going to have. It's like some Shakespearean tragedy.
I related all of this to my other half last night, who asked me what exactly it is that I would want from writing something like Black Mirror, given that it isn't what I generally seem to want to do with my time. After some soul-searching, I concluded that the thing I'd want is this: mainstream respect.
"Well, if it's mainstream respect you want, you're going about it the wrong way," she hooted, wiping away the tears of mirth.
Nevertheless, this fired me up, to prove to her - and my peers - that I have what it takes to write a grown-up sci-fi fable about the inherent dangers of technology, complete with a twist. And I present that for you now. This is Mr Biffo's Brown Mirror...
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