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YOU BE THE DETECTIVE: CAN YOU WORK OUT WHO MURDERED UBISOFT BOSS YVES GUILLEMOT?

14/3/2016

3 Comments

 
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This is Yves Guillemot (pronounced "Ee-vess Dew-le-mow") probably - the boss of Assassin's Creed, Far Cry and The Division publisher Ubisoft. As far as we know, Yves is still alive and breathing right now, and that's exactly as things should be. But what if he wasn't?

What if Yves had been murdered?

​Digitiser2000 would like to present you with a hypothetical scenario: a crime scene representing the brutal and almost senseless murder of Yves Guillemot. Because there is no such thing as the perfect crime - and we know that better than almost anyone - the murderer has left behind a number of clues.

Can you examine the evidence and solve the mystery of who committed this horrible and fictional crime? 

Upon entering the crime scene, the first thing you notice is this: a broken computer monitor. Was it smashed in rage? Was it used to bludgeon the victim to death? Was it an accident? Or could there be another, more pragmatic, reason?
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Upon examining the victim's body, you notice a number of curious puncture wounds, suggesting he may have been battered to death with some sort of spiked implement - such as a mace, or morning star, or pineapple.
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Hmm... A footprint. Whoever the perpetrator was, he was wearing sneakers for a fast getaway...
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You examine the entrance to the room. Stuck to the doorframe is a sticky ball of blue fur - which would appear to be organic in nature. If you didn't know better, you'd swear it was a hairball.
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Interesting. A pair of white gloves, discarded on the driveway outside the victim's home. Clearly, the murderer wasn't wanting to leave any fingerprints behind... Do you really think that's going to stop us bringing you to justice, you monster?
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Now what is this on the carpet...? A golden ring? Was the murderer married perhaps? Or is this evidence of an earlier crime?
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This well-thumbed copy of the gay lifestyle magazine Attitude, which you find beneath Yves Guillemot's body, might've belonged to the victim... were it not for the fact that Yves Guillemot was married with three children. Discounting the fact that he had bought it for "research", we must conclude that it belongs to the perpetrator...
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Interesting. The murderer, like so many of his kind, appears to have left something of a calling card - a pile of disgusting blue scat.
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In a litter bin just outside of the Guillemot property you've chanced upon this - a bag of half-eaten pet food. It may have nothing to do with the crime, of course. Alternatively, could the murderer have had a pet of some kind? Will this be the one piece of the puzzle that ties everything together?
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And here we have the proverbial "smoking gun": stuck to the window with saliva is a sworn confession to the murder written in a barely-legible scrawl, and signed "S.T.Hedgehog". A pseudonym? A red herring? Or could this be exactly what you need to bring this case home?
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HOW DO YOU THINK YOU DID? PRESS REVEAL TO DISCOVER THE IDENTITY OF THE MURDERER:
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That's right - it was top celebrity "shock-chef" Guy Fieri! His motive? Bad food poisoning, an allergic reaction to anti-nausea medication, and temporary insanity.

We hope you like prison food as much as you like shouting and drawing attention to yourself, Guy - because you're going to be eating a lot of it (prison food) where you're going: to prison. That'll teach you.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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WHICH ONE OF THESE GAMERGATERS HAS A SECRET STASH OF FRENCH CREPES?
WE ASKED THESE TOP GAME DESIGNERS IF THEY'D EVER EATEN THEIR OWN POO AND NOT A SINGLE ONE REPLIED

3 Comments
Jabberwoc
14/3/2016 01:55:57 pm

Before we send this perp down can we just let do one more murder, please? Dr Robotnik got a pewter tankard lobbed at me because my missus thought I played too much Sonic (true fact, 1992-style). I want to see that man dead.

Reply
Mr Biffo
17/3/2016 09:37:35 am

Sure ting.

Reply
Cc
25/3/2016 09:50:45 pm

If you're taking requests then you could please let the murderer do a murder on Horace, of goes skiing and and the spiders fame.
Nothing against the blue freak, but living as he does, one arm, gaping facial holes, he must surely be in constant and terrible pain. It'll be a mercy killing. Also kill him slowly.

Reply



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