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YET MORE OF THE WORST VIDEO GAME COVER ART EVER

21/8/2019

16 Comments

 
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I always feel a spasm of guilt whenever there's one of these articles on Digi. I mean, the artists responsible were, presumably, working to the best of their limited ability.

Still, when that ability was stuck at the remedial - nay, primordial - level, I find it fascinating that they were ever allowed anywhere near the packaging of a commercial product, even if it was self-published. Did these people not know they were bad? How is anyone that utterly, profoundly, unaware?!

So here, because it's important that this warning from history is never forgotten, here are even more of the worst home computer game covers of all time...

All images sourced/stolen from the Centre For Computing History.
ULTRAPEDE
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It's not that the technical craft is bad here - whoever was responsible clearly had a fair degree of a handle on  that airbrush they got for Christmas. It's more that the image could be anything, frankly.

After some close inspection, I presume the yellow thing is meant to be a spaceship of some sort, but making the ship the same colour as its yellow vapour trail, and everything in the background a similar hue of green, renders it ultimately a meaningless mess.

Upon first glance, I thought it was a pair of neon yellow y-fronts. You know: like you might find a willy in!!!!
GOOD LUCK
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You've hired a 12 year-old to do your cover art? Good luck with that! Also, the guy on the right is basically the Imperious Leader from Battlestar Galactica....
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MONSTERS
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Albeit rendered with a certain degree of skill, there's no escaping that the giant, green, alien beetle/crab thing has a some serious junk in its trunk, and it's the only thing your eyes are drawn to. The only thing missing is a thong and a tramp stamp.
LARKSPUR WALDORF IS TRAPPED!
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You spend weeks, maybe even months, creating your first game. You're so proud of your achievement, and you want to share it with the world. You want a slice of that sweet home computer game market. This is gonna make you a fortune!
 
Then you do this.

​And even have the temerity to sign it... 
TV SPECIAL
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The epitome of late-80s graphic design and typesetting, the cover to this three-game collection of TV gameshow favourites features Bob Holness, a particularly Mephistophelean Paul Daniels, and a dabbing raver who's just dropped a couple of disco biscuits, and is trying to leapfrog a 1950s television.

"Mate, what you on?"

"I'm on The Krypton Factor!"
CHATEAU
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"Hi, we, er, we booked the Chateau on Air BnB. Are you Hernando, the owner?"

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulll!"
DON'T PANIC
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"Our game is called Don't Panic. Can you come up with some artwork which successfully conveys the urgent subtext of that phrase, and alludes similarly to the work of Douglas Adams?"

"Sure. How about, I dunno, a wizard looking at a castle? Plus we could make the title really small, which would be cool."

"I love it!"
DRAGON TREK
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Aside from the fact that the not-at-all-William Shatner-in-Star-Trek-The-Motion-Picture is doing a sort of sexy cha-cha dance, those meteorites resemble fart clouds. Thus, perhaps they are simply arseteroids.

​Do you see?
BACKGAMMON
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Er... let's be generous and suggest this is meant to be an ASCII interpretation of a pile of backgammon chips which have been dropped on the floor.
GOLF AT GLENEAGLES
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Sorry... that should be "Golf At Gleneegles". If you're enough of a golf fan to bother making a golf game, presumably you're familiar enough to know the correct spelling of one of the most famous courses in the world?

See also the sequel, Golf At St. Undroos.
MR T'S NUMNBER GAMES
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Mr T - presumably not that one - released a bunch of edutainment titles, and they all featured this same cover image, of a mother leaning over her children while, presumably, cupping some water in her hands.

"Solve the number games, children. Only then may you lap at my nectar."
SHOOT THE RAPIDS
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Look at this self-satisfied donger. He's never set foot in a dinghy - or should that be donghy?!? - in his life. He hasn't even fastened the helmet safety strap. I hope he falls out of his non-existent boat and smashes his non-existent brains in.

​I bet he told all his mates at uni that he got a job as a male model.
WHAT'S THE TIME?
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Why did so many 1980s children look like that boy on the right? Children of the Corn, Poltergeist, Close Encounters - they all featured some angelic, snub-nosed, blonde kid.

"They're heeeeeere."

"Who is?"

"The tiiiimes."

"Wut?"

THE VERY THE VERY FIRST VERY FIRST
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The Very First was a Commodore 64 demo tape, the cover for which was, we can assume, typeset while the graphic artist was in the middle of a massive stroke.
16 Comments
RichardM
21/8/2019 10:27:19 am

What does everyone else read as their brain fills in the blanks on Backgammon?

I see ‘STAR WARS’ and ‘PISS OFF’. Not sure what this says about my mental state.

Reply
Reversible Sedgewick
21/8/2019 11:21:26 am

By my rough maths ‘STAR WARS’ and ‘PISS OFF’ are about 90% of the comments on the internet anyway, so you're probably fine.

Reply
Birch Vand
21/8/2019 11:23:44 am

Yep, I was getting a lot of piss offs from the Backgammon cover. Unfortunate, I don't think I'll be buying it now, those rude people.

Reply
MC Inflatable Trevor
21/8/2019 11:27:34 am

PISS WRAPS

Reply
Dominic
21/8/2019 10:48:04 am

The delicious irony of ripping on someone for spelling Gleneagles wrong in one section then spelling numbers wrong in the next!

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Dan Whitehead
21/8/2019 11:02:49 am

I think we've just identified the "Gleneegles" artist.

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Jon B
21/8/2019 12:34:13 pm

I can only conclude that Gordon Burns wanted too much money for them to use his likeness. Or they couldn't find a usable photograph in an old newspaper that they could cut out and use on their junior school quality collage. One or the other, you know.

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Taucher
21/8/2019 01:38:29 pm

Ultrapede cover looks like a spaceship shaped like a centipede's head with the body of the centipede represented by the spaceship's yellow vapour trail? Quite clever even if not well executed.

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Dave Gumble link
21/8/2019 01:42:27 pm

Wow - 'Monsters' is Jim Burns classic 'Rendevous with Rama 2' piece... had his book of 'art' illustrations when younger... apparently he did a few game covers... but thansk for the 'TV Special' - I owned that one... classic design in the proto-DTP boom ;).

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sedric-and-charlie
21/8/2019 05:07:13 pm

It's somewhat amazing how many early videogame covers turn out to be pulling double duty with some album or sci-fi/fantasy book cover

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CrispyF
21/8/2019 02:19:17 pm

If you love typesetting so much, sometimes you can't but help have a massive stroke.

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Benny The Spaceman
21/8/2019 06:08:18 pm

Château: a) love how much effort has gone into Gem's logo, and b) He's Alan Partridge! A Ha!

Not A-Ha, the Norwegian pop superstars, that'd be Mr. Dragon Trek.

Reply
Robobob
21/8/2019 08:29:51 pm

The left hand of the Dragon Trek guy. Is he mid-werewolf transformation?

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James Walker
22/8/2019 12:47:20 am

Man! If JJ Abrahams retcons Kirk into a werewolf, then sheeeeeeeit, I’d probably lose my shit!

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colincidence link
22/8/2019 01:41:56 am

Pis of... t'ware?

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Johnny Blanchard link
22/8/2019 02:40:00 pm

Personally I want to play Geoff at Geeeneagles

Reply



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