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WOULD YOU ADD-ON AND EVE IT? FIRST-PARTY PERIPHERALS WE NEVER REALLY WANTED

28/6/2016

13 Comments

 
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Has any console add-on ever been as big as the console it appears on? Suffice to say, Sony will certainly be keeping its flippers crossed for PlayStation VR, which launches in October - especially given that Microsoft has given up on its much-derided Kinect.

The history of the games industry is littered with the discarded, barren, husks of good intentions and bad ideas. Join us now as we step upon this carpet of flaking shells. A-crunch-a-crunch-crunch.
NES POWER GLOVE
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For such an iconic piece of kit, it's hard to believe that Nintendo's Power Glove was such a catastrophic failure. Still, looking at the thing, it isn't hard to see why: it's basically an NES joypad glued to a rubber gauntlet, which can vaguely detect movement... sometimes.

The device sold a mere 100,000 units, and was rightly considered an enfeebled vagary - with only two games ever being made specifically for it: Super Glove Ball and Bad Street Brawler. And as far as the latter goes, never has a game been more aptly named.
NINTENDO R.O.B.
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Like the Power Glove, Nintendo's Robotic Operating Buddy - the Family Computer Robot in Japan - was only supported by two games: Gyromite and Stack Up. Also like the Power Glove, this undoubtedly contributed to it being a spectacular mess-up, both critically and commercially. 

R.O.B. was an attempt to reposition the NES as a toy, rather than a console, following the video game industry crash of the early-1980s, a way to assuage the the concerns of a wary retail market.

In theory it was a nice idea - R.O.B. would stand in for a second player, or respond to on-screen commands - but never proved to be as popular as Nintendo intended. What didn't help is that many R.O.B. units developed a sort of rudimentary sentience, and vigorously rubbed their owners in the night.

MASTER SYSTEM CONTROL STICK
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The Master System joypads were horrible, so it's little wonder that Sega offered an alternative - in the form of the Control Stick. Unfortunately, the Control Stick wasn't much better, being a lumbering, top-heavy, tribute to Joseph Merrick.

The blurb on the box was almost as unwieldy as the device itself: "Developed to improve your skills, thus achieve higher scores for more excitement in video games".
GAME GEAR TV TUNER
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That damn TV tuner. Sega hyped it for years, as one of the main selling points of the Gear Gear. Oh, how we all dreamed of watching telly on the bus. Or, at least, how we all dreamed of pretending to watch telly on the bus, while looking round smugly at all the other passengers, and going: "I'm watching telly on the bus".

When it did eventually reach the UK, its main selling point - watching TV on the bus - was a fallacy, throttled by the Game Gear's excessive battery demands, like it was the victim of a serial killer known as The Battery Strangler.
SUPER WIDE GEAR
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If you need to release a peripheral which makes your handheld console easier to use, because the screen isn't very good, what sort of message is that sending out? The Super Wide Gear's grand name belied the fact that it was, essentially, a clip-on magnifying glass.
GAME BOY CAMERA AND PRINTER
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Like the Game Gear TV Tuner, I remember everyone being terribly excited for the Game Boy Camera, and its wretched thermal printer. At the time, it turned the Game Boy into the world's smallest digital camera - although one capable only of producing terrible, four-colour, images.

However, in typical Nintendo fashion, it was aimed primarily at kids - with a bunch of built-in mini-games. 

One disturbing feature, which was stumbled upon by some of its users, was a hidden Easter egg; pressing the "Run" button while on one of menu screens would freeze the screen, and then replace it with a distressing image, and the message "Who are you running from?". Kids love that sort of thing.
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MEGA DRIVE MASTER SYSTEM CONVERTER
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Just like the current generation of consoles, backwards compatibility wasn't always a given. Sega fans who'd upgraded to the Mega Drive had to buy one of these - the Master System Converter, or Power Base Converter - in order to play their old Master System games on their new Jeremy.

​Though the guts of the Mega Drive were largely the same as the Master System, the converter was essentially just an adaptor which allowed the old games (both on cartridge and card) to fit into the Mega Drive slot.

​Nevertheless, not every game was compatible with it - and some owners were so disappointed that they shoved a pen inside themselves.
SUPER GAME BOY
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I remember Digitiser being a bit sceptical about the Super Game Boy - a device which allowed Game Boy games to be played on your TV, via the Super NES - before it came out. I also remember being won over, when it finally did.

Nicely, a handful of GB games featured enhancements, or colour, when used with the Super Game Boy. For me, though, the main benefit was being able to actually see the Game Boy graphics for once, without making my eyes go "tender".
SEGA CHANNEL ADAPTOR
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We never got the Sega Channel over here, despite many vague promises over the years.

​Which is a shame, as it was a great idea for its time: accessed via a device which plugged into the top of a Mega Drive/Genesis, it was a pay-to-look-at online service, through which customers could access games and demos, and get cheat codes and tips and that.

Good ideas don't always pan out though: the Sega Channel never really took off, criticised for its high subscription fees, and arriving at the bum-end of Sega's 16-bit journey. It lasted a mere four years. Apropos nothing, here's a funny noise: nnnng-gah-nnng-nah! 
NINTENDO SATELLAVIEW
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Though only ever released in Japan, Nintendo's Satellaview was a similar concept to the Sega Channel. It connected users to a satellite radio signal, and - during a specific slot known as the Super Famicom Hour - they were able to download games, and play simple interactive quizzes. Other content, such as magazines and game add-ons, were also offered.

In typical Nintendo fashion, the main menu was presented in the form of a game, "The Town Whose Name Was Stolen" - for which the player could choose, and name, their own male or female avatar. I would've chosen the name "Bummo".
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​Ahead of its time, perhaps.
NINTENDO 64DD 
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Another Japan-only add-on, which lead to many, many jokes about large, pendulous, breasts, the 64DD was billed as "the first writable bulk data storage device for a modern video game console".

Nintendo hoped that it would lead to the development of new types of games - with an emphasis on creativity - but ultimately only ten were ever released for it. It also boasted slow and clunky internet access, that was a bit like dragging a hairy celebrity around a velcro factory.

Only 15,000 units were sold, making it one of Nintendo's biggest ever washouts.
NINTENDO 64 RAM EXPANSION PAK
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Nintendo released a number of "paks" for its Nintendo 64 - including a rumble "pak", which offered the sort of haptic joypad feedback that we now take for granted.

​The expansion "pak" was a memory upgrade, which promised better looking games, higher resolutions - and proved to be one of the more successful add-ons to feature on this list.

​Perfect Dark, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask and Donkey Kong 64 - which came bundled with the "pak" - are the most notable games to make use of it.
GAME BOY ADVANCE E-READER
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Never making it to Europe, after it crashed and burned in North America, the E-reader was a device which read special cards, imprinted with information, that would add items and levels to conversions of existing NES games, such as Balloon Fight, Mario Bros., and Donkey Kong.

It was also compatible with a number of Game Boy Advance originals - including Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire, which gave the player "special berries". And we all like those don't we, kids?


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10 GAMES YOU'D FORGOTTEN WERE A FLOP
PLEASE, FATHER, HOW DID THEY COMBAT BAD GAMES PIRACY BACK IN THE DAY?


13 Comments
Barrybarrybarrybarry
28/6/2016 12:05:56 pm

What a lovely article. I have to say I enjoyed it very much, particularly the pristine TV Tuner. I had one myself, but the aerial tragically was all broken and chewed up, possibly by a raccoon. I don't remember. I was a child.

If you will excuse my pedantry for a second day in a row (PLOSS), I believe the R.O.B. game was called 'gyromite'.

Reply
Mr Biffo
28/6/2016 12:13:33 pm

Well spotted. That's why you get paid the big sub-editing bucks.

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Barrybarrybarrybarry
28/6/2016 12:28:46 pm

I have chosen to interpret that as 'scab off, you ridiculous weasel'. Which, under the circumstances, is entirely fair.

Rich Tysoe
28/6/2016 12:22:08 pm

The thing with the N64 memory expansion was that you paid money to make the games look a little sharper, but run a lot slower. I used it a few times, then went back to playing games in default mode as they wer emore playable that way.

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Paul Jon
28/6/2016 12:26:57 pm

I loved the Super Gameboy. fond memories of getting that, Monster Max and Zelda one Christmas. Gaming in a house is much better than gaming on the go!

I say that mainly as someone who knows that if I had access to computo games outside my house, I'd never be off the bloody things.

That Master System joystick blurb about high scores 'jibes nicely' with my thoughts regarding that late-80s/early-90s era of gaming, where ads were always going on about getting higher scores. I see this a lot in the old comics I read on the toilet. Plop!

Definitely a hangover from earlier gaming, the squaresville ad men obviously thought high scores were what the kids were still 'into', even though they weren't really that big a deal by that point. Ffrom what I remember, it was more about seeing how far you could get and completing the game.



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Walter Peck
28/6/2016 01:50:52 pm

I used the Game Gear TV Tuner to watch episodes of The Word late at night in the hope that there would be some naughty bits on display at some point.

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Bootle
28/6/2016 02:34:11 pm

A friend of mine messaged me boasting he'd managed to get a Game Gear TV tuner for £5 from a carboot sale a few years ago. He soon shut up when i reminded him they were switching off the analogue signal in 2 days.

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Steve
28/6/2016 06:02:15 pm

Good stuff! One small correction, the Mega drive Hardware was very different to the Master System. The convertor actually was a master system which used the connectivity to the Mega drive to provide power and connection to the telly.

The master system to game gear convertors are a simple "wide connector to thinner connector" because the hardware was roughly identical. There was almost nothing in the adaptor itself.

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Oakers
29/6/2016 09:17:14 am

I don't think that's right, I think it is a pass thru.

http://segaretro.org/Power_Base_Converter

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Kelvin Green link
28/6/2016 06:38:12 pm

Ah, Biffasaurus, the Master System stick wasn't so bad. It was quite responsive and once you got used to the weird chunky stick it was comfortable to use. The base was a bit rubbish though, the buttons were naff, and the whole thing looked like a preview of the 32X.

Also, not to be a Sega apologist, but the GameBoy had its own version of the Super Wide Gear, as did the Lynx, probably.

I'm also a bit confused because at least a couple of these are add-ons you did in fact want. I don't know what to think any more!

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Mr Biffo
28/6/2016 07:05:44 pm

Just put the title down to being clickbait, you Sega apologist.

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Kelvin Green link
28/6/2016 08:07:55 pm

To be this good takes aaaaaaaages!

D.Balls link
28/6/2016 08:25:34 pm

It was mentioned at the time on Digitiser, that The Master System Converter was a bizarre colour underneath - I must admit to staring at it for hours, thinking the late great Prince might burst out, singing "1999".

Reply



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