It's agreed: everybody loves The Phantom Pain. Unfortunately, they love it inspite of a plot that meanders and careens all over the place like the demented imaginings of somebody who has spent their entire life in a sea cave, hepped out of their mind on real bad turps fumes.
At best, Metal Gear Solid V is a relentless parade of confusing elements, continuity, and out-and-out weirdness. At worst, it can make you question your own sanity. Here, to help you wrap your head around just what is going on in the this year's biggest game, is a quick dramatis personae of the main characters.
At best, Metal Gear Solid V is a relentless parade of confusing elements, continuity, and out-and-out weirdness. At worst, it can make you question your own sanity. Here, to help you wrap your head around just what is going on in the this year's biggest game, is a quick dramatis personae of the main characters.
PUNISHED "VENOM" SNAKE
This enigmatic fellow has a robotic arm and a black lump of tar - or whatever it is - sticking out of his head. He is the main character in The Phantom Pain, probably. To be honest, we got a bit lost and kept confusing him with Big Boss (see below)... because he might actually be Big Boss. We dunno. He's also called Ahab, and at the start of the game you get to change his face and name, like in an RPG, but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference to anything. He's got an eyepatch, look. But then, so do most of the characters in Metal Gear Solid...
ISHMAEL
This bandaged guy helps to rescue you from hospital early in the game, claiming to have been watching over you during the nine years you've been in a coma. He introduces himself by leaning close, and whispering in your ear: "There exists a wicked creature called Scrotum Charlie, and he's waiting outside, and he wishes you ill". Notably, you spend much of the first 30 minutes of the game staring at his buttock cleft. Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing. We're broad-minded, modern types, you see.
BIG BOSS
So... hang on. See, we're so lost. We... we think Big Boss is Ishamel, and used to be called Solid Snake... but he also says that Venom Snake is Big Boss. And he's the dad of another Solid Snake, possibly. To be honest, we're starting to regret doing this list. Look, basically... he's someone else with an eyepatch, and he looks quite a bit like Punished "Venom" Snake/The Other Big Boss. Which doesn't help matters much.
REVOLVER OCELOT
This Julian Assange lookalike is also known as Shakalakaboomboom, or Shashlik, or something. He seems to mostly hang around giving out exposition, play instructions, and sunglasses and dogs. He spends the majority of the game partly naked from the waist down, repeatedly glancing at a cactus, muttering about it beneath his breath. No eyepatch.
QUIET
Unexpectedly, this paramilitary assassin lady seems to only have one name, and is on a redemptive trajectory in Phantom Pain, whatever that might mean. Her favourite food is vegan burritos, and she has a pet crocodile called Cracklemouth. Ssssh! She's oh so Quiet!
PIG RALPHIO
Pig Ralphio is your Number 1 sidekick in The Phantom Pain. You first meet him trying - and failing - to climb a tree, before pulling a thorn out of his foot, using only your teeth. Following this, Pig Ralphio pledges that he owes you a life debt, and follows you everywhere - even into the lavatory, which makes for one of the game's most memorable scenes, as he begins to weep softly...
DRABBLE
Drabble doesn't have any lines in The Phantom Pain - he just stands atop a hill, and rotates in the wind.
CHRISTMAS MAN
This party boy is always up for some fun in The Phantom Pain - in his mind, it's always Christmas! Visit him at Mother Base to get presents, Christmas dinner, and to play a game of charades. His catchphrases include "Have a Metal Gear Christmas, everybody!" and "This game is solid!".
CHIVE
You'd better hope you don't encounter Chive in The Phantom Pain - all he does is complain, and tell you secrets that make you feel uncomfortable about him. No eyepatch.
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