So, E3 - the games industry's annual jamboree of new product roll-outs - is underway. It got properly going with psychotic levels of whooping at a slick, enthusiastic and highly rehearsed presentation from the kids at Microsoft.
The company's Phil "Frank" Spencer bestrode onto the glossy black E3 stage - slick with wet tar for reasons never adequately explained - to ludicrous levels of applause and excitement.
He was wearing a jacket which didn't look as if it fitted particularly well, and at one point was removed to be smeared around in the tar, before being flung into the begging face of a sweet young chap, who stood up on his chair and - with tears streaming down his pallid jowls - cried "Yes! Yes! Spency-boy chose me!".
To be fair, Spencer is a likeable enough fellow, and seemed genuinely embarrassed by the screaming and hollering, and chants of "U-S-A" and "Bring more tar!" - the latter of which I might only have imagined.
Obviously, the Xbox conference was mainly about Scorpio - the super-Xbox One that has been in the works for a while. And... Scorpio was, of course, a codename. It's going to be called Xbox One X - and when abbreviated to XOX it's like you're signing off a text message to your grandmother.
"New phone. Who dis? XOX"
I watched the entire presentation online so that you didn't have to. Here - for better or worse - are the things which prodded me most firmly in the sterny (sternum).
The company's Phil "Frank" Spencer bestrode onto the glossy black E3 stage - slick with wet tar for reasons never adequately explained - to ludicrous levels of applause and excitement.
He was wearing a jacket which didn't look as if it fitted particularly well, and at one point was removed to be smeared around in the tar, before being flung into the begging face of a sweet young chap, who stood up on his chair and - with tears streaming down his pallid jowls - cried "Yes! Yes! Spency-boy chose me!".
To be fair, Spencer is a likeable enough fellow, and seemed genuinely embarrassed by the screaming and hollering, and chants of "U-S-A" and "Bring more tar!" - the latter of which I might only have imagined.
Obviously, the Xbox conference was mainly about Scorpio - the super-Xbox One that has been in the works for a while. And... Scorpio was, of course, a codename. It's going to be called Xbox One X - and when abbreviated to XOX it's like you're signing off a text message to your grandmother.
"New phone. Who dis? XOX"
I watched the entire presentation online so that you didn't have to. Here - for better or worse - are the things which prodded me most firmly in the sterny (sternum).
XBOX ONE X
It's an Xbox One... but more powerful-er. I don't mind the concept of incremental console upgrades in theory. I mean, part of me misses the thrill of an all-new console... but I get why Microsoft is doing this, and I don't entirely object.
That said, console gaming has always been something of a graphical arms race - with Nintendo as Liechtenstein - but in recent years it has felt increasingly futile to me. Much of Microsoft's presentation would prove inadvertently that it's not about having the most power; it's what you do with the power you have already. That's a mantra to live by, and Microsoft might've blasted itself in the winkuss with most of its E3 offerings.
Liquid cooled vapor chambers are all well and good, and I'm happy that all Xbox One games will run on all Xbox Ones, but I've yet to see any real reason to upgrade. How many of us have a 4K telly anyway?
Also... I know this is hardly a revolutionary opinion... but I miss the days when consoles looked like something other than a burnt brownie block. The Xbox One X is literally the most boring console to look at ever. I honestly believe that if somebody released a console that looked cool and different that it would have a significant edge over its rivals regardless of its power.
Anyhow: Xbox One X will be released in November, priced at $499 (mostly likely £499 in the UK, given current exchange rates). That's a lot of money, but actually not too bad for a machine which, by all accounts, will be able to go toe-to-toe with fruity PCs.
The whooping throughout the Xbox One X part of the presentation reached ridiculous levels; every new specification was met with shrieks and yelps, and Americans - let's face it, we all know they were Americans - punching the air and yelling with the sort of fervour usually reserved for an NRA rally.
It's an Xbox One... but more powerful-er. I don't mind the concept of incremental console upgrades in theory. I mean, part of me misses the thrill of an all-new console... but I get why Microsoft is doing this, and I don't entirely object.
That said, console gaming has always been something of a graphical arms race - with Nintendo as Liechtenstein - but in recent years it has felt increasingly futile to me. Much of Microsoft's presentation would prove inadvertently that it's not about having the most power; it's what you do with the power you have already. That's a mantra to live by, and Microsoft might've blasted itself in the winkuss with most of its E3 offerings.
Liquid cooled vapor chambers are all well and good, and I'm happy that all Xbox One games will run on all Xbox Ones, but I've yet to see any real reason to upgrade. How many of us have a 4K telly anyway?
Also... I know this is hardly a revolutionary opinion... but I miss the days when consoles looked like something other than a burnt brownie block. The Xbox One X is literally the most boring console to look at ever. I honestly believe that if somebody released a console that looked cool and different that it would have a significant edge over its rivals regardless of its power.
Anyhow: Xbox One X will be released in November, priced at $499 (mostly likely £499 in the UK, given current exchange rates). That's a lot of money, but actually not too bad for a machine which, by all accounts, will be able to go toe-to-toe with fruity PCs.
The whooping throughout the Xbox One X part of the presentation reached ridiculous levels; every new specification was met with shrieks and yelps, and Americans - let's face it, we all know they were Americans - punching the air and yelling with the sort of fervour usually reserved for an NRA rally.
FORZA 7
For some reason, Microsoft chose to use the Xbox One X reveal to unveil a new Porsche. The diluted levels of audience enthusiasm - more polite coughs than whoops - suggested the people in the room were as confused and upset by this as I was.
However, it was all a lead-in to Forza 7, which... yeah, looked nice and all that... but is just a driving game. With "dynamic puddles". And they missed a trick by not calling it "The Forza Wakens".
I know there are lots of Forza fans out there, but it left me cold, and I got annoyed that some of the cars were racing in the dark without their headlights on. That's plain irresponsible. Especially with all those dynamic puddles on the tracks.
For some reason, Microsoft chose to use the Xbox One X reveal to unveil a new Porsche. The diluted levels of audience enthusiasm - more polite coughs than whoops - suggested the people in the room were as confused and upset by this as I was.
However, it was all a lead-in to Forza 7, which... yeah, looked nice and all that... but is just a driving game. With "dynamic puddles". And they missed a trick by not calling it "The Forza Wakens".
I know there are lots of Forza fans out there, but it left me cold, and I got annoyed that some of the cars were racing in the dark without their headlights on. That's plain irresponsible. Especially with all those dynamic puddles on the tracks.
METRO: EXODUS
This did look really gorgeous, but watching the video I had to wonder how much of it was actual gameplay footage. A lot of it did seem rather scripted.
Still, I really liked the previous two Metro games - they're highly underrated - but, nice as it looked, I did start to think that we might've reached peak-post apocalypse. Certainly, as the Microsoft presentation wore on, I started to feel a little numbed to the relentless bleakness. The end of the world is all becoming much of a muchness now.
Imagine if the world actually ended. Gamers would just be walking around in the ruins, shrugging their shoulders, going "Seen it".
This did look really gorgeous, but watching the video I had to wonder how much of it was actual gameplay footage. A lot of it did seem rather scripted.
Still, I really liked the previous two Metro games - they're highly underrated - but, nice as it looked, I did start to think that we might've reached peak-post apocalypse. Certainly, as the Microsoft presentation wore on, I started to feel a little numbed to the relentless bleakness. The end of the world is all becoming much of a muchness now.
Imagine if the world actually ended. Gamers would just be walking around in the ruins, shrugging their shoulders, going "Seen it".
ASSASSIN'S CREED: ORIGINS
This was disappointing. Having had a year off their usual annual cycle, I was hoping that Ubisoft would've found something new to add to the Assassin's Creed gameplay.
Unfortunately, this looked like all the other Assassin's Creed games... except set in Ancient Egypt. Some Frenchman came out on stage to try to interest us in the story, but all anyone heard was "Pompt-de-dompt-de-do."
The one part of the demo which got me interested was a brief glimpse of some boats. I doubt we're looking at a new Black Flag - still the high watermark of the AC franchise - but at least there are boats.
This was disappointing. Having had a year off their usual annual cycle, I was hoping that Ubisoft would've found something new to add to the Assassin's Creed gameplay.
Unfortunately, this looked like all the other Assassin's Creed games... except set in Ancient Egypt. Some Frenchman came out on stage to try to interest us in the story, but all anyone heard was "Pompt-de-dompt-de-do."
The one part of the demo which got me interested was a brief glimpse of some boats. I doubt we're looking at a new Black Flag - still the high watermark of the AC franchise - but at least there are boats.
PLAYERUNKNOWN'S BATTLEGROUNDS
"PlayerUnknown" is right. I've no idea who this person is, or why he is considered interesting enough to be given his own game. He's presumably some sort of Twitch streamer or something, and thus I doubt I'm the target audience.
Anyway - his game is supposedly spun out of "battle royale" mods he put together on Steam, and Battlegrounds has already sold in the zillions. In terms of this presentation, it felt like a very odd shift into average-looking visuals, after all the massive hoo-hah about dynamic puddles.
"PlayerUnknown" is right. I've no idea who this person is, or why he is considered interesting enough to be given his own game. He's presumably some sort of Twitch streamer or something, and thus I doubt I'm the target audience.
Anyway - his game is supposedly spun out of "battle royale" mods he put together on Steam, and Battlegrounds has already sold in the zillions. In terms of this presentation, it felt like a very odd shift into average-looking visuals, after all the massive hoo-hah about dynamic puddles.
DEEP ROCK GALACTIC
The second this started, I thought it was a new Team Fortress. Then I realised it was something else, and became intrigued by its cartoonish visuals, and what appeared to be gameplay that blended, well, Team Fortress with Minecraft.
I didn't entirely know what was going on, but it looked like the first original idea so far, and the first game shown which didn't seem obsessed with photorealism.
The second this started, I thought it was a new Team Fortress. Then I realised it was something else, and became intrigued by its cartoonish visuals, and what appeared to be gameplay that blended, well, Team Fortress with Minecraft.
I didn't entirely know what was going on, but it looked like the first original idea so far, and the first game shown which didn't seem obsessed with photorealism.
STATE OF DECAY 2
Despite wanting to play it... somehow I missed out on State of Decay. But that's okay - because State of Decay 2 is coming, and it looks atmospheric - but ropey as hell. I don't really mind about that, because if SoD 2 is as well received as SoD then it proves that the Xbox One X is utterly pointless.
Ha ha - sod!
However: please... no zombies with glowing eyes. That wouldn't ever happen. Why would they have glowing eyes? What is it - some sort of bioluminescence? Are they the headlights that were meant to be in Forza 7? Are they on fire inside (and not in a sexual way)?
Despite wanting to play it... somehow I missed out on State of Decay. But that's okay - because State of Decay 2 is coming, and it looks atmospheric - but ropey as hell. I don't really mind about that, because if SoD 2 is as well received as SoD then it proves that the Xbox One X is utterly pointless.
Ha ha - sod!
However: please... no zombies with glowing eyes. That wouldn't ever happen. Why would they have glowing eyes? What is it - some sort of bioluminescence? Are they the headlights that were meant to be in Forza 7? Are they on fire inside (and not in a sexual way)?
THE DARWIN PROJECT
The trailer to this started well, and then descended into chaos. I didn't know what the hell was going on - it sort of reminded me, a bit, of Overwatch, but with a man shouting over the top of it by way of a commentary.
Having not understood what was happening during the presentation, or why it was happening, I've since read that one player can take the role of "director", like they're in charge of The Hunger Games. Clearly it's a game designed for Twitch streams, but a nice idea all the same.
Also, it was around this point that I started to feel a degree of existential despair that most of the games being showcased required people killing one another.
The trailer to this started well, and then descended into chaos. I didn't know what the hell was going on - it sort of reminded me, a bit, of Overwatch, but with a man shouting over the top of it by way of a commentary.
Having not understood what was happening during the presentation, or why it was happening, I've since read that one player can take the role of "director", like they're in charge of The Hunger Games. Clearly it's a game designed for Twitch streams, but a nice idea all the same.
Also, it was around this point that I started to feel a degree of existential despair that most of the games being showcased required people killing one another.
MINECRAFT
Minecraft players on all systems will soon be able to come together in one big tent, we were told. Also, the game is getting new graphics to make the most of the Xbox One X. If ever a game series didn't need fancy graphics... this is it. Never mind!
Minecraft players on all systems will soon be able to come together in one big tent, we were told. Also, the game is getting new graphics to make the most of the Xbox One X. If ever a game series didn't need fancy graphics... this is it. Never mind!
THE LAST NIGHT
At last, I was shaken out of my apathy. I've no idea what The Last Night is, but it looked like a pixellated Blade Runner-inspired platform-shooter. There were shades of Flashback and Another World, which is no bad thing. So, another vote for sublime art design, and another strike against the Xbox One X.
You can play a sort of demo of it here.
At last, I was shaken out of my apathy. I've no idea what The Last Night is, but it looked like a pixellated Blade Runner-inspired platform-shooter. There were shades of Flashback and Another World, which is no bad thing. So, another vote for sublime art design, and another strike against the Xbox One X.
You can play a sort of demo of it here.
SEA OF THIEVES
Rare really need a big hit to rescue their reputation, and I'm hopeful that Sea of Thieves is it. It looks as if it'll scratch my Black Flag itch - and the likeable presentation did a brilliant job of selling the potential of its tongue-in-cheek piracy.
The tone felt like a positive step away from all the dystopian sci-fi and slaughter, and the cartoonish visuals were exactly what I want right now.
My only concern is that it's a co-op multiplayer game, and that it'll penalise those of us who are friendless and like playing alone.
Rare really need a big hit to rescue their reputation, and I'm hopeful that Sea of Thieves is it. It looks as if it'll scratch my Black Flag itch - and the likeable presentation did a brilliant job of selling the potential of its tongue-in-cheek piracy.
The tone felt like a positive step away from all the dystopian sci-fi and slaughter, and the cartoonish visuals were exactly what I want right now.
My only concern is that it's a co-op multiplayer game, and that it'll penalise those of us who are friendless and like playing alone.
CUPHEAD
I've been looking forward to this for a long time now. I'm still looking forward to it. Again: all the games which stood out to me during Microsoft's presentation wouldn't ever need a £500 super-console.
I've been looking forward to this for a long time now. I'm still looking forward to it. Again: all the games which stood out to me during Microsoft's presentation wouldn't ever need a £500 super-console.
CRACKDOWN 3
Oh man... the ridiculous intro to this demo had a live-action Terry Crews barking psychotically... but it did a good job of establishing the chaos to come.
I've loved the two Crackdown games to date - I've squeezed absurd levels of enjoyment out of them, and they're probably the only games what have ever encouraged me to get 100% of all collectibles. Mainly because powering-up your character, and then using those powers to get around the city, is so damned enjoyable.
To be honest, the trailer didn't do much to sell me on the new game; my excitement here is all about how much I liked the last two in the series.
Oh man... the ridiculous intro to this demo had a live-action Terry Crews barking psychotically... but it did a good job of establishing the chaos to come.
I've loved the two Crackdown games to date - I've squeezed absurd levels of enjoyment out of them, and they're probably the only games what have ever encouraged me to get 100% of all collectibles. Mainly because powering-up your character, and then using those powers to get around the city, is so damned enjoyable.
To be honest, the trailer didn't do much to sell me on the new game; my excitement here is all about how much I liked the last two in the series.
SUPER LUCKY'S TALE
This was a weird one to give so much time over to.
I mean, it looked lovely - and felt like a breath of fresh air amid the clouds of cordite and napalm - but it couldn't have been more of a generic platform game throwback. The main character was even wearing trainers, and collects coins.
I kept looking for signs that this was a knowing design choice, that this might be some sort of deliberate homage or tongue-in-cheek parody, but no. This is old school in the extreme, and looks as if it would've been another landfill platformer had it been released 18 years ago.
This was a weird one to give so much time over to.
I mean, it looked lovely - and felt like a breath of fresh air amid the clouds of cordite and napalm - but it couldn't have been more of a generic platform game throwback. The main character was even wearing trainers, and collects coins.
I kept looking for signs that this was a knowing design choice, that this might be some sort of deliberate homage or tongue-in-cheek parody, but no. This is old school in the extreme, and looks as if it would've been another landfill platformer had it been released 18 years ago.
ASHEN
Presumably nothing to do with our favourite brown sofa-d YouTuber, I quite liked the damp, dour, wintry look of this RPG. It made me realise how I'm far more interested when a game eschews photorealism for a more stylised design. I realised that I want my games to look like games, and that I prefer distinct art direction over - y'know - dynamic puddles and that.
Also: there were a load of anime-influenced games revealed around this point in the presentation, and every single one of them left me cold. The Dragonball beat 'em up felt like I was having a migraine in a strobe light test facility.
Presumably nothing to do with our favourite brown sofa-d YouTuber, I quite liked the damp, dour, wintry look of this RPG. It made me realise how I'm far more interested when a game eschews photorealism for a more stylised design. I realised that I want my games to look like games, and that I prefer distinct art direction over - y'know - dynamic puddles and that.
Also: there were a load of anime-influenced games revealed around this point in the presentation, and every single one of them left me cold. The Dragonball beat 'em up felt like I was having a migraine in a strobe light test facility.
LIFE IS STRANGE: BEFORE THE STORM
A three-part prequel to the much-heralded time-twisting adventure, expect Life is Strange: Before The Storm to be full of even more Millennial angst.
A three-part prequel to the much-heralded time-twisting adventure, expect Life is Strange: Before The Storm to be full of even more Millennial angst.
ORI AND THE WILL OF THE WISPS
This did look lovely, and they even brought a little pianist out on stage to accompany the visuals. Ori And The Blind Forest was rather beautiful, and this appears to be more beautiful-er still. Also: top marks for getting the word "wisps" in the title of a game. Albeit not in the context I would've preferred.
This did look lovely, and they even brought a little pianist out on stage to accompany the visuals. Ori And The Blind Forest was rather beautiful, and this appears to be more beautiful-er still. Also: top marks for getting the word "wisps" in the title of a game. Albeit not in the context I would've preferred.
OLD GAMES: HERE
Microsoft is expanding its backwards compatibility to the original Xbox. Not unwelcome, but I can't think of many really old Xbox games that I'll be going out of my way to play. They showcased Crimson Skies as one of the first wave of Xbox originals to return. Okay...
Microsoft is expanding its backwards compatibility to the original Xbox. Not unwelcome, but I can't think of many really old Xbox games that I'll be going out of my way to play. They showcased Crimson Skies as one of the first wave of Xbox originals to return. Okay...
ANTHEM
Clearly trying to assure us that the best was saved for last, from the looks of it, EA and Bioware's Anthem is a big, Destiny-meets-Far-Cry-meets-Titanfall online co-op loot-shooter. Which was demonstrated with scripted banter between the players, that I didn't realise wasn't in-game dialogue until the very end.
Graphically, it was incredibly polished... but did look like about fifty other games. I'm really bored of games being set in photorealistic forests and woodlands. It's an issue for developers - what are massive open worlds suppose to look like? - but it is beginning to feel like overkill. The graphics, impressive as they are, lose impact because they look like all the other games where you're running around in the woods shooting at things, while wearing sci-fi armour.
Clearly, this has had a ton of money lobbed at it, but it didn't appear to be offering anything significantly different to numerous other games. Given that it's likely to demand a lot of the player's time, I need a good, distinct, reason to want to play it.
So... in summary then... everything I liked about the Microsoft presentation was contained in smaller, more original, presumably lower-budget, titles, which are going to make the least use of the new Xbox One X.
Draw your own conclusions about that...
Clearly trying to assure us that the best was saved for last, from the looks of it, EA and Bioware's Anthem is a big, Destiny-meets-Far-Cry-meets-Titanfall online co-op loot-shooter. Which was demonstrated with scripted banter between the players, that I didn't realise wasn't in-game dialogue until the very end.
Graphically, it was incredibly polished... but did look like about fifty other games. I'm really bored of games being set in photorealistic forests and woodlands. It's an issue for developers - what are massive open worlds suppose to look like? - but it is beginning to feel like overkill. The graphics, impressive as they are, lose impact because they look like all the other games where you're running around in the woods shooting at things, while wearing sci-fi armour.
Clearly, this has had a ton of money lobbed at it, but it didn't appear to be offering anything significantly different to numerous other games. Given that it's likely to demand a lot of the player's time, I need a good, distinct, reason to want to play it.
So... in summary then... everything I liked about the Microsoft presentation was contained in smaller, more original, presumably lower-budget, titles, which are going to make the least use of the new Xbox One X.
Draw your own conclusions about that...
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