DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

WHAT'S ON THE BOCKS? VINTAGE HARDWARE PACKAGING REVIEWED - INTRODUCED BY HADWIN THE FOCKS

21/6/2016

15 Comments

 
Picture
"Hello, everyones. I'm Hadwin, the dirty urban focks. Like most fockses, I loves nothing more than a good bocks to goes in. If you puts a bocks in your gardens, and come back to it in the mornings, there'll always be a focks in it. Don't get startleds and stamp on it though. Just gives it some breads. Put the breads in its mouths. Strokes it. It won't have fleases, I promises.

"One things I'm really interesteds in is how bockses has changed over times. Like, where did bockses come from? Who invented bockses? Here are just a few of my favourite historical bockses, what used to contains the video games consoleses.

"Again, please don't stamps on Hadwin. Just the breads, please."
ATARI VCS
Picture
Right at the dawn of console gaming, and Atari pretty much nails it out out of the gate.

​Imagine if evolution had worked like that - if the first fish to evolve legs hadn't dragged itself out of the sea, but had run straight onto the beach, and started doing cartwheels, and clicking its fingers, and going "Yeah yeah! Whooo! Nice one. Love it. Let's have some more of it, yeah?".

That's what this Atari VCS box does. "More games, More Fun". That's how you sell a games console: along with pictures of both the games and the people having fun. Keep the guff to a minimum.

​Also: fifth picture from the left. Is that... Paul Gambaccini? 
Picture
Here's the back of the box. Admittedly, to our jaded modern sensibilities, the graphics look terrible... but in the context of those graphics-starved times, the bright colours of Combat were a revelation. Note: any guff about the number of "bits" it has, or how fast it is... cannot be found.

​There's not a single numerical value to be found anywhere on there, apart from the two that I am choosing to ignore for the purposes of the point I'm trying to make.
SEGA MEGA DRIVE
Picture
This pack is from slightly further on in the Mega Drive's life; the original pack-in game was Altered Beast. However, it's still the same basic design that the MD launched with: the famous Sega grid pattern, which makes me think of an arts and crafts cutting board. 

Barring Sonic and his sassy attitude, there are no games on the front of the box. Also: numbers have appeared. Nobody actually knows what a bit is, but... well... if the Mega Drive has 16 of them then it must good. Right? Is that how they thought our minds worked?

Unfortunately, whenever I heard the words "bits" I always thought of my old primary school teacher Mrs Brookes, who was interrupted during a woodwork lesson by a pupil from the neighbouring class, who said "Mr Kirkwood wants to know if you've got the bits."

"Bits?" snapped Mrs Brookes. "What bits?!"

You had to be there.
Picture
Obviously, this is the back of a US "Mega Drive" box, but it's from the same era. They're pushing the games here at least - as well as the peripherals. The blurb goes on about "16-bit gameplay", expecting us to accept that it's better, without taking the time to explain what a bit is.

"Bits? What bits?!".

She could've been speaking for us all.
SUPER NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM
Picture
There's just something so welcoming and soft about the PAL version of the SNES. Those rainbow colours, the rounded edges... it's like a cuddly marshmallow robot. Also, again, no scary numbers on here - it keeps things simple with talk of being "The system of choice for the serious gamer", "3-D effects" and "hot titles". Though no pictures of games.

​Let's flip it over, and see if it can win "Rear of the Year". Do you see?
Picture
Oh. Unfortunately, this is the NTSC box back. Look how ugly the hardware is: like the face of a robot hippo suffering from hypothermia. However, yes - games. Lots of nice games, and no numbers.
GAME BOY
Picture
This does the trick. Basic, though. And horrifically dated, obviously. The Game Boy looks like it has been fired out of one of those automatic tennis ball machines, in Digital Hell.
Picture
Hm. Nintendo slightly dropped the ball here, with its talk of a powerful CP and micro-processors. Still, they allow for "hundreds of images". Although... hundreds of images? At once? Isn't that a bit much? When you go to an art gallery you don't want to see all the paintings simultaneously. Or at all, if you've got any sense. Have you ever been to an art gallery? They don't even let you stand in a corner gobbling like a turkey.

"What are you doing? Why are you making that weird bubbling sound?"

"Er, actually... I think you'll find it's called gobbling."

"Security!"


What's with those two kids in the photo, though? They look like they're in Logan's Run, or some other sterile early-1970s sci-fi movie. 
ATARI LYNX
Picture
The Lynx remains a great machine that was undone by its limited battery life, and general lack of portability. Still, the box art is a trifle bland. There's so much text on there, it looks like something you'd pick up in a Hong Kong marketplace. Along with acute respiratory syndrome.
Picture
Again, that white background does it no favours really. It's interesting that it mentions having pause, restart, and volume controls. So much back then still wasn't really a given. 

"What if this thing doesn't have a pause button? What if I'm playing a game, and I receive a gentleman caller? What would I do?! I can't buy this!"
3DO
Picture
Oh dear. The 3DO couldn't have looked more boring. What is it even for? The front of this box gives nothing away. But - hey - it does have "Up to 16 million colors graphics power" and "64 million pixel animation per second". And "two expansion slots". Expansion to where? Where will it expand to? Will it expand from its slots and consume your home, like The Blob? 
Picture
It's a brave company that sells its hardware on the promise of being able to display your peacock photography. They're more concerned with pointing out the various buttons and nubbins than telling us what the thing actually does.
ATARI JAGUAR
Picture
For all the stick the Jaguar gets, the box is actually pretty nice. It's iconic, simple, and mysterious. Presumably, they were banking on the punter knowing what it does, as nothing on here really gives it away. You might actually be buying some jaguar eggs, for all it tells us. And that's not a bad thing: everyone likes a bit of danger.
Picture
Oh. Oh no. It has all gone terribly wrong. Nobody who wants to play games cares that the thing they're buying has "multiple RISC processors". Talk of "emerging digital standards" is death, frankly. Plus... that joypad. It draws the eye away from the pictures of the games, and that draws your brain to this conclusion: "Why has it got all those buttons? They must be wanting me to do their accounts for them."

Atari has forgotten the most important thing that it sold with the Atari VCS: the big fun.
32X
Picture
Er. What? What is this? What does it do? What horrible, horrible artwork, with the insipid yellow Ready Brek glow, and the little pictures floating at its corners. Nothing here exactly screams that this is an add-on for the Mega Drive. It could be a console lavatory for all anybody knows. And - ha ha - that's exactly what it was!!!!!!

<HIGH FIVES SELF>
Picture
Yeah, thats' the back of the slightly better NTSC version of the 32X box. Well, it's to the point. It says what it does. Specifically: "32,768 colors at once". Yes - at once! I always thought there were only about ten colours: blue, green, red, brown, yellow, black, white, tranvard, barquen and rancey.

Also, I always wondered if the regular punter understands when tech people talk about things being "faster". It's kind of meaningless unless you understand what that means. Is it on wheels? Will it start whizzing around the living room? Stupid.
SEGA SATURN
Picture
And here's the machine that entered into a mutual death pact with the 32X - Sega's doomed Saturn. The box is actually not bad, even if you ignore the horrible Photoshopped drop shadows. It's clean, it doesn't assault the customer with numbers. What was that logo, though? It resembles some sort of  biological travesty, like a tapeworm trying to mate with an ovary.
Picture
"What's it like on Saturn?" - ha ha! Sega is trying to be funny, bless them! We'll tell you what it's like, Sega: Saturn is made up of mostly hydrogen with some helium. The surface of Saturn is gaseous, but as you go deeper the hydrogen becomes liquid and then becomes metal. Saturn's center is a hard rocky core. Overall, Saturn is the least dense planet in the solar system.

Which is ironic, as by this point, Sega was the MOST dense console manufacturer in the entire games industry. GET IN!


​Anyway. Yeah, not bad. Lots of games get mentioned. It actually looks like something I might want to buy. Unfortunately, we've entered the "square black box" era of games hardware - and the Saturn just looks so boring. Such a shame they never went with the Japanese champagne colour scheme. 
SONY PLAYSTATION
Picture
Well played, Sony. There's nothing on here whatsoever about what the PlayStation actually is, and it works in the system's favour. Solid photography of an iconic design, with absolutely no ugly photoshopping. It looks like some sort of DJ device, which is precisely what they wanted us to think. The Playstation screamed "cool". Not literally. That would be distracting.

"COOL! COOL! COOL!"

"Shut-Up! Does anybody know how I make this thing stop screaming cool?"

"You can't. That's just what it does."
Picture
Look at that. It's all about those games. Everyone: pay close attention. It. Is. All. About. The. Games.

"COOL! COOL! COOL! COOL! COOL!"
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
12 VIDEO GAME MUSICAL ODDITIES
A SELECTED HISTORY OF ISOMETRIC GRAPHICS
THE FACES I PULLED WHILE PLAYING THE RESIDENT EVIL 7 DEMO (PS4) - AS ILLUSTRATED BY BABIES SUCKING ON LEMONS AND LIMES


15 Comments
Alastair
21/6/2016 01:36:22 pm

I think I still have all my old Nintendo consoles boxed in my parents' house, all nice and colourful and cheery if I recall.

As time went on, the list of games on the back got closer and closer to the entire list of games you'd actually want to bother to play on each console.

Reply
Rakladtor III The Terrible
21/6/2016 02:22:35 pm

"robot hippo suffering from hypothermia", an accurate description of the purple and grey monstrosity known as the ntsc snes

Reply
Reversible Sedgewick
21/6/2016 02:57:37 pm

Did the Lynx really have a game called Xenophobe?

And if so, have we all been Tronned into it for the last couple of months? That would explain a lot.

Reply
Reversible kciwegdeS
21/6/2016 08:08:34 pm

no it wouldn't

Reply
Walter Peck
21/6/2016 05:32:17 pm

Oh no, man. Don't start all that again.

Xenophobe is a 3 player arcade classic.

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
21/6/2016 06:21:11 pm

The PSone box remains a thing of beauty. Tiny, minimalist, and confident in the icons the PlayStation had developed, despite being in the system's lifespan. Much like the console itself then.

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
21/6/2016 06:25:27 pm

Also Hadwin is adorable. I'd give him/her some bread. Not sure I'd trust them on the fleas, though.

Best new Digi character since Chip Shop Man. I miss Chip Shop Man...

Reply
timmypoos
21/6/2016 09:01:18 pm

This was great, some of these consoles bring back my fondest childhood memories. Thanks Mr B!

Reply
Stuart
21/6/2016 11:53:43 pm

I bought a Lynx for £19 from Boots without realising why they were £19... Still I kept going with it, and even managed to buy the last 2 issues of Lynx User before it stopped being published. It's a familiar story, technically really advanced other than eating batteries for breakfast, lunch and tea; but no-one was making the games :(

Reply
Penyrolewen
22/6/2016 09:48:40 pm

Can anyone explain why it's "pack-in" games not "in-pack" games please?

Reply
Reversible kciwegdeS
22/6/2016 11:32:11 pm

Because once you take them out of the pack, they are no longer in-pack. So it's 'pack-ins' as they always retain their history of having been packed in

Reply
Scott C
27/6/2016 11:36:01 am

Can anyone explain to me why GameBoy games were game paks? The lack of typographical integrity was disturbing to me even as a 9-year old child.

Reply
Reversible kciwegdeS
28/6/2016 03:31:14 am

It's the sort of marketing terminology designed to shepherd parents, grandparents etc. If they just called them 'games' then it's less distinguished from the console. A grandparent might get confused, thinking a console is a 'game', and that little Timmy expects an entire game console, when in fact all Timmy expects is a game (such as Rakladtor IV: "The Emotioning") to play on the console he already owns.

Appending something, in this case 'paks' - highlights how the games are separate from the console. Why 'paks'? To highlight how the games are packed inside plastic shells. However to use the term 'packs' could be mistaken as implying a collection of games. The word 'paks' is a different word from 'packs', with the same pronunciation but Nintendo's own definition: A single packed game, as opposed to a pack of games. Thus 'paks' manages to convey the product enticingly, but without being technically misleading.

They could have referred to them as game 'cartridges' but then that's not as snappy as 'paks' and might give the impression that the games contain cartridges that need to be replaced, like a printer. Man that would be stupid.

Scott C
29/6/2016 10:20:14 am

Reversible kciwegdeS, wise words.

Dan link
26/6/2016 07:58:10 pm

Donald... Donald Cox, is that you...? :-)

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ