Maybe one day we'll see a new Half-Life game. Maybe we won't. The Force Awakens creator JJ Abrams has, however, revealed this week that he's working on movies based upon both Half-LIfe and its stablemate Portal.
Whether this will convince Valve to finally release a proper third instalment in arguably the greatest first-person shooter franchise of all time is anyone's guess.
But let us ponder a hypothetical scenario for a moment: if you had a choice between a Half-Life 3 and your own robot servant, which one would you choose? Digitiser2000 weighs up the options.
Whether this will convince Valve to finally release a proper third instalment in arguably the greatest first-person shooter franchise of all time is anyone's guess.
But let us ponder a hypothetical scenario for a moment: if you had a choice between a Half-Life 3 and your own robot servant, which one would you choose? Digitiser2000 weighs up the options.
The further adventures of Gordon Freeman would be something to witness, not least because the storyline of Half-Life 2 remains unfinished. However, imagine waking up to be greeted by this cybernetic cherub, standing ready to pump you full of fresh orange juice from a rubber spigot at the back of its head. Not such an easy choice now, is it?
Half-Life 2 gave us the Gravity Gun - a brand new way of interacting with a game world that has yet to be surpassed. Who knows what the geniuses at Valve could come up with using modern gaming technology? Alternatively, wouldn't it be even cooler to have a robot like this, who will bow to your every whim, and dispel fresh ghee juice from a pliable nozzle on its thrumming underseam?
We all admire the storytelling in the Half-Life games. By eschewing cut-scenes in favour of in-game characterisation, they still feel ahead of their time. Not as ahead of their time, however, as this cybernetic whimsy - programmed to attend to your every earthly desire, and capable of covering you in unspeakable secretions from a quivering, ductile slit in its thorax.
For a game with a central character who remains hidden throughout, it's testament to the genius of Half-Life as to how iconic Gordon Freeman has become. Despite that, there's no question that he's hardly on the same level of iconography as, say, a robot Abraham Lincoln. Just picture yourself laying back on the sofa, while the robotic president chitters and beeps as it drags itself around your home on its stomach, discharging putrid yam pulp from an unsightly abdominal rupture.
Second only to Gordon Freeman, in terms of stand-out characters in Half-Life 2, is Alyx, who remains one of the strongest female protagonists in video game history. For those of you who enjoy a strong female presence, yet remain unswayed by the mostly sexless nature of robotics, we can assure you that there's even a droid for you. What's more, "she" is capable of spewing molten globs of a foul-smelling syrupy solution from a pliable grill in her silken bottom.
Simply writing the words "Half-Life 3" is enough to bring a fan out in hives of excitement. And yet, even more exciting still is writing the words "I have my own robotic servant, and he looks like a certain famous bald, and there's a constant stream of artificial goose fat dribbling from his strange, leathery maw."
Of course, there is a robot in Half-Life 2. His name is "Dog". He will catch balls and open doors for you. This real-life robot - inspired by the actor and cowboy John Wayne, aka "Big Leggy" - will not only catch balls and open doors, but he has an extendable 'cock in his left shoulder, that dispenses a tasteless, semi-edible paste whenever you issue the instruction "PASTE ME NOW, BIG LEGGY!".
The world of Half-Life is a dystopian future, and there's little question that it's exciting and engaging. Unfortunately, once it's over it's over. Better still, were you to become master to your own robotic infant - especially one that intermittently spurts a sputtering torrent of organic sludge from its eyes - we'd wager that there would be no end to the amusement you could encounter.
Even now, Half-Life 2 - and its minisodes - remain beautiful to look at. There's a grittiness to them that's simultaneously grounded and fantastical. We're sure Half-Life 3 would define a new epoch in graphical fidelity. Alternatively, have you considered the benefits of a robotic servant like this one? In place of feet, it has a couple of big flues. When you kick it in the back, the hovering techno-dunce panics, causing litres of curdled discharge to be expelled noisily from its rusting foot-holes.
Let's face it, after all this time any Half-Life 3 is going to be an anticlimax. There's no way it could ever live up to the years of hype, the anticipation, the build-up. But a twitching robotic attendant, like the one shown below, capable of leaving in its wake a thick trail of unnecessarily viscous spume? How could you ever be disappointed?
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