It can't have escaped your attention that NASA recently announced the discovery of running water on Mars. Although, given that their idea of "running water" is some damp bits of sand, we don't know what there is to get so excited about.
We've got some damp towels upstairs. Maybe NASA would like to pop round and have a swim in them. "Mmmmm! That's some real refreshing running water!" they might say, as they thrash around on the bathroom floor. If you ask us, NASA are idiots. We don't want them anywhere near our towels.
Anyway. With the colonisation of the Red Planet one step closer, the day will come when video games at last make their way to Mars. But what exactly will Martian video games be like? Digitiser2000 "peered" into the future to find out...
We've got some damp towels upstairs. Maybe NASA would like to pop round and have a swim in them. "Mmmmm! That's some real refreshing running water!" they might say, as they thrash around on the bathroom floor. If you ask us, NASA are idiots. We don't want them anywhere near our towels.
Anyway. With the colonisation of the Red Planet one step closer, the day will come when video games at last make their way to Mars. But what exactly will Martian video games be like? Digitiser2000 "peered" into the future to find out...
THE ATMOSPHERE
In order to play video games on Mars, human beings will have to evolve their playing habits. There'll be no playing games outside without their special space hats on - because on Mars the atmosphere is 95 percent carbon dioxide, which tastes all disgusting. You'd be too busy going "Urgh! Yuck! This air tastes all disgusting!" to concentrate on your games! Instead, all video games would have to be played inside your special space house. No more al fresco gaming for you!
NO ONLINE GAMING
Mars is literally miles away, so the internet there is very slow. In fact, it takes about twenty minutes to even send an email (not including the time it takes to write and spellcheck!), so playing games online is a complete nightmare. If you think your gaming is laggy with - say - BT Internet, it's about fifty times worse on Mars! On the plus side, everyone might shut-up about Destiny finally.
SHORTER GAMES
Martian gravity is 62% lower than it is on earth. An extended stay on Mars would likely lead to muscle deterioration and osteoporosis. To combat this, Martian colonists would be required to spend hours every day in the gym, and take special space pills. This would mean less time for playing games. On Mars, a game such as The Witcher III, which can take around 100 hours to complete on Earth, would take 1,000 YEARS to complete on Mars. Therefore, games would have to become shorter.
LONGER YEARS
It takes Mars about as twice as long as the Earth to travel around the sun - which means that the Martian year is roughly twice as long as a year on Earth. This means that you'll have to wait twice as long between birthdays and Christmas, when most of us get our games! What's more, most games are released at the end of the year - meaning there'll be twice as many games released at Christmas... but you'll have twice as long to play through them all. Still, at least Ubisoft will now have double the amount of time to iron out the bugs in its next Assassin's Creed game.
NO SHOPS!
There are no shops on Mars - not even CEX - so if you want to buy games you're going to have to buy them online. Downloading won't be an option due to the slow internet, so everyone on Mars will be required to sign up to Amazon Prime - if they can afford it. Fortunately, by then Amazon will have developed space drones, which will be able to deliver your games on the day they come out!
TOO MUCH RADIATION
Without a global magnetic field or thick atmosphere, Mars is exposed to dangerous levels of space radiation. This means that Martian colonists will, over time, suffer bizarre genetic mutations. Fortunately, growing a couple of extra arms, and some additional eyeballs, means that you'll be able to play several games at once! Unfortunately, gamers will also become riddled with tumours, and have roughly half the life expectancy they would've done on Earth.
TOO COLD/TOO HOT
Mars is much colder than Earth, which means your mum would probably want to keep the heating on all the time. If you have an older console that doesn't work properly - such as the Xbox 360 - expect to see it overheating. Forget the red ring of death - this is the red planet of death!!!!!!!!
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