WHAT GAMES WOULD THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES PLAY IF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES DID PLAY GAMES?

To the rest of the world, the USA's presidential election process is utterly terrifying. A bewildering, drawn-out, jamboree of abuse, shouting, far-fetched claims and lying, it seems less like democracy, and more like anarchy.

Pointless debates between candidates repeating entrenched opinions, speaking to supporters with equally entrenched views... frankly, why do they even bother?

But the important question that has yet to be asked of the candidates is as follows: what video game would you play if you played video games? We imagined their answers.

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DONALD TRUMP (Republican)

"I'd like a voice-activated game where I get to shoot terrorists by shouting my catchphrase 'You're fired!'. I would. I would like that. Failing that, something like Tetris, but with a picture of a Mexican behind the falling blocks. Falling blocks. Honestly. I'm rich. I mean, I could afford to have this game made. And I'm going to get it made. I'm going to make America great again. I am. No, really. I am, folks.

"Or maybe a game like Papers, Please - but the only person in line to present their paper in there is our 'African American' president. Let's see that birth certificate, Mr Obama. No really. I want to see it. The people want to see it. We're not going to take it anymore. Anymore. Really, we're not. We're not. We need to figure out what's going on. And I'm going to figure it out.

"And I'm going to ban Muslims from playing video games until we can figure out if they're getting bad ideas from these games. God bless America. God bless Lady Liberty. Let's stop all that blood coming out of her whatever. Her whatever." <APPLAUSE>

BERNIE SANDERS (Democrat)

"Not a game by one of these big corporations, that's for sure. These guys aren't paying their taxes. Wall Street has the video games companies in their grip, and they're dancing to their tune. Video games have become about greed. How many games have the characters gathering up coins, or golden rings? Where do those coins go? Into their pockets? What are these games teaching our children?

​"Anyway, I'm pretty old, so I'd like a game with big, bold graphics. Hopefully not too fast either. Or, actually... how about a cool bobsleigh game? I reckon that could be sweet. Have they got one of those?

MARCO RUBIO (Republican)

"I'm the handsome one. I'd like someone to make me a game called Marco Rubio: Thumbs Up For Handsome Boy."

HILLARY CLINTON (Democrat)

"Everybody probably remembers that photo of me playing on a Game Boy on Air Force One, back when I was the First Lady. Well, I'd like to do that again as the first lady... President!! Psyche. Also, my maiden name is Rodham, so maybe a fishing game where I use a rod to fish hams out of a freezer."

TED CRUZ (Republican)

"Sssssss... ssssssssssth... Sssss-ss-sssssspagoigynsssssssttttth! Sssssss! Heh heh. Ssszssstttth! Sss. Zzzzttt! Pongo. Pongo-tata."

THE BATTLE OF RORKE'S DRIFT - 22 - 23 January, 1879 (Democrat)

"As the first historical conflict to run for political office, I don't feel it would be dignified of me to be seen playing a game. However, were you to persuade me, I'd like to play a game where not very much happens. So many video games are concerned with war and battles, that - as a battle myself - I'd like to experience peace for once in my life."

BEN CARSON (Republican)

"Don't you worry about me. I'm just happy to be here."

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