In the 1980s and 1990s, the British home computer scene produced one gaming legend after another.
From the likes of Matthew Smith to Sandy White - the names of those early bedroom coders have rumbled down the years like abdominal cramps.
One question remains from those early days, however: did any of those founders of our industry ever give birth to a living miniature version of themselves?
We put this important question to several key figures from the era - and these are the disappointing responses we received.
From the likes of Matthew Smith to Sandy White - the names of those early bedroom coders have rumbled down the years like abdominal cramps.
One question remains from those early days, however: did any of those founders of our industry ever give birth to a living miniature version of themselves?
We put this important question to several key figures from the era - and these are the disappointing responses we received.
CHARLES CECIL
"Dear Mr Cecil. You must have a logical, analytical mind, given that you have long specialised in games such as Broken Sword and Beneath a Steel Sky. Games full of devious puzzles and sinister traps. We are curious, though: have you ever turned the keenness of your grey matter to another task.. the possibility of giving birth to a living miniature version of yourself? Not even a baby version: but a thing that looks like you, only much smaller - a homunculus? Kind regards."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
MEL CROUCHER
"Hi Mel. You created some of the most esoteric computer games of the 1980s. Pimania. Deus Ex Machina. Groucho. You hardly need us to remind you of their names. But we have done so regardless. Now. Please. Please now. Can you answer one simple question? It won't take you long. It's this; have you ever felt a pressure down below, and taken a peek... only to be surprised to find your were birthing a living miniature replica of yourself? Thanks in advance."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
DINO DINI
"Dear Dino Dini. With a name like that you're either an Italian man or a cartoon brachiosaurus. You created the Kick Off games. You probably remember that. Among your many achievements, do you include bearing to full term a living, scaled-down duplicate of yourself? Perhaps you called him 'Dino Dini Due'. Due is the Italian word for two. Which you would know if you are Italian, and not a cartoon brachiosaurus. Please respond quickly."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
KEVIN TOMS
"Dear Mr Kevin Toms. You are known for one thing and one thing only: the old computer game by the name of Football Manager. Do you have a secret, Kevin Toms? Did you ever deliver from your loins a tiny living model of yourself? Perhaps you gave it a name: Jerrys. You two might even have had adventures, as a slapstick double-act: Toms and Jerrys. We don't know. But please... we would like to know. ANSWER US IMMEDIATELY."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
ARCHER MACLEAN
"Good day, Maclean. Dropzone. International Karate. Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker. Your list of gaming achievements is as long as it is varied. We have just listed them. Might there be something else about you that you have never revealed publicly? Did you once peel back a previously undiscovered flesh lip on your breadbasket, only for a tiny living minikin twin to plop out onto the floor? Yours sincerely."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
JEZ SAN
"San is the Man. That would be a good slogan for you. Also 'Here comes the San - doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the San - it's alright. Da-doo-doo-da-doo-da-doo.'. Also, 'San arise, up in de morning', and 'I can't believe the news today, Oh, I can't close my eyes, And make it go away... San-day bloody San-day'. And so on. San, tell us - have you, as an adult male, presumably, ever been nascent with a minuscular living analogy of yourself? If so, what happened? All the best."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
GEOFF CRAMMOND
"Dear sir. Your many racing games were very popular in the 1980s and 1990s. No offence, but we always found them a little dry. Now that we've told you something about ourselves, we're wondering whether you could return the favour? Specifically, there's something we really want to know. And that tis this - Have you, Geoff Crammond, ever propagated from your nethers, one of these: a living bantam facsimile of Geoff Crammond? If so, please send pics of both Crammond (large) and Crammond (small). Yours forever."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
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