Why do games companies have such boring names? Why don't they ever call themselves something that makes us smile, or makes us think?
In an attempt to address this issue, we wrote to a number of games company bosses, suggesting they might like to change the company name to 'Fartzone'.
In an act of dismissive and spiteful rudeness, all but one of them ignored us.
In an attempt to address this issue, we wrote to a number of games company bosses, suggesting they might like to change the company name to 'Fartzone'.
In an act of dismissive and spiteful rudeness, all but one of them ignored us.
YVES GUILLEMOT - Ubisoft
"Dear Mr Guillemot. You don't know us, but we know you. You are Yves Guillemot, the head of one of the biggest games publishers in the whole wide world. You are a great man. Everybody says so. Even Puckles the Cuckold.
"However, it's the name of your company - Ubisoft - that isn't so great, Yves. What does it mean? Is it a French word, Yves? Nobody knows. Very sloppy. Very bad. Would you perhaps consider changing the name of your company to something more universally recognisable - specifically, 'Fartzone'? Everyone would like that, Yves. Guaranteed. Yours sincerely."
NO RESPONSE
"However, it's the name of your company - Ubisoft - that isn't so great, Yves. What does it mean? Is it a French word, Yves? Nobody knows. Very sloppy. Very bad. Would you perhaps consider changing the name of your company to something more universally recognisable - specifically, 'Fartzone'? Everyone would like that, Yves. Guaranteed. Yours sincerely."
NO RESPONSE
ANDREW WILSON - Electronic Arts
"Hello Andrew. Your company, Electronic Arts, has been around for years. Isn't it about time you changed it to something a little edgier, like 'Fartzone'? Failing that, we have some alternatives: Electronic Fartz, Fartronic Electrics, EA've Yourself, Farton Yourself, F.A.rty Ltd etc.. Cheers."
NO REPSONSE
NO REPSONSE
ERIC HIRSHBERG - Activision
"Hi Eric. Just a quick one. Could you change the name of Activision to 'Fartzone' at the earliest possible opportunity? Of course, we have not charged you for this service. Eric, it's actually a free service! Many thanks."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
TATSUMI KIMISHIMA - Nintendo
"Greetings sir. Nintendo is doing great at the moment, and stuff. It has all the characters. Mario. Zelda. Jambo Kabaddi. However, the name of your excellent company is a cause for grave concern. What about 'Fartzone'? Much better. Also, if you want to show people your lighter side, how about changing your own name to 'Satsuma CanIHaveASatsuma'? With much respect."
NO RESPONSE
NO RESPONSE
ANDREW HOUSE - Sony Computer Entertainment
"Dear Mr House. Do you live in a bungalow? That would be pretty ironic. Perhaps you could write a song about it. It would go: 'And isn't it ironic... don't you think... It's like rain on your wedding day, It's like living in a bungalow when your name is Andrew House...' and so on.
"Also, do you know what? We reckon you should change the name of Sony Computer Entertainment to 'Sony Fartzone'. Just do it. You could even incorporate it into your song.
"'And isn't it ironic... don't you think... It's like rain on your wedding day, It's like living in a bungalow when your name is Andrew House, It's like changing the name of your company to Fartzone when you didn't need to... I'm Andrew House, An-drew House, Tra-la-la-la-da-da-da-da-dah! AN-DREW HOUSE!'.
"Well, anyway, bye."
REPONSE: "Hi. I'm out of the office until March 21th, but will be picking up emails intermittently."
"Also, do you know what? We reckon you should change the name of Sony Computer Entertainment to 'Sony Fartzone'. Just do it. You could even incorporate it into your song.
"'And isn't it ironic... don't you think... It's like rain on your wedding day, It's like living in a bungalow when your name is Andrew House, It's like changing the name of your company to Fartzone when you didn't need to... I'm Andrew House, An-drew House, Tra-la-la-la-da-da-da-da-dah! AN-DREW HOUSE!'.
"Well, anyway, bye."
REPONSE: "Hi. I'm out of the office until March 21th, but will be picking up emails intermittently."
KENZO TSUJIMOTO - Capcom
"Hey Kenzo. It's your lucky day. We've got a great idea that's going to put Capcom back on top again - where it belongs! How about changing the name of the company to 'Fartzone'? Also, you could change the names of your games to something that compliments the new company name. It's called branding.
"Like, Street Fighter could become Street Fartzone. Even the characters could follow the model. Chun Li would become Chun Fartzone, and M.Bison would be Mmmm... Fartzone. Also, Resident Evil could become Resident Fartzone, and the zombies could be renamed 'The Fartz'. Think about it. Many thanks."
NO RESPONSE
"Like, Street Fighter could become Street Fartzone. Even the characters could follow the model. Chun Li would become Chun Fartzone, and M.Bison would be Mmmm... Fartzone. Also, Resident Evil could become Resident Fartzone, and the zombies could be renamed 'The Fartz'. Think about it. Many thanks."
NO RESPONSE
STRAUSS ZELNICK - Take-Two Interactive
"Dear Strauss. That's a funny name. When you get worked up and overwhelmed, do you squeeze on a 'Strauss ball'? Sorry. That's just an attempt at a funny joke, but it doesn't matter. You've got a great sense of humour - we can tell.
"Do you know what else is a funny name, Strauss? Take-Two Interactive. Strauss, what does it mean? We worry that it might persuade potential customers to take-without-paying two copies of your games from games shops. Or it might suggest something else, that we've been unable to think of.
"Just to be on the safe side, maybe you should consider changing the name of your company to 'Fartzone'. Strauss, what could possibly go wrong? Just a thought. Thanks for reading."
NO RESPONSE
"Do you know what else is a funny name, Strauss? Take-Two Interactive. Strauss, what does it mean? We worry that it might persuade potential customers to take-without-paying two copies of your games from games shops. Or it might suggest something else, that we've been unable to think of.
"Just to be on the safe side, maybe you should consider changing the name of your company to 'Fartzone'. Strauss, what could possibly go wrong? Just a thought. Thanks for reading."
NO RESPONSE
PHIL SPENCER - Microsoft Game Studios
"Hi Phil. Appreciate that you're a busy and important man, so we won't keep you. Microsoft Game Studios does what it says on the tin, but as names go it isn't very distinctive. Phil, what about something new? What about 'Fartzone'?
"We have a vision of you announcing the new name at a big press conference, where you smear your face over the surface of a kettle drum, while murmering and slapping your bare stomach. Who wouldn't want to see that? Regards."
NO RESPONSE
"We have a vision of you announcing the new name at a big press conference, where you smear your face over the surface of a kettle drum, while murmering and slapping your bare stomach. Who wouldn't want to see that? Regards."
NO RESPONSE
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
WE ASKED THESE 10 VIDEO GAME VOICE ACTORS IF THEY'D LIKE TO ACCOMPANY US TO A FIELD, WHERE WE COULD SPEND HOURS STRAINING TOGETHER UNTIL ONE OF US PRODUCED AN EGG - AND NOT A SINGLE ONE DID
YOU BE THE DETECTIVE: CAN YOU WORK OUT WHO MURDERED UBISOFT BOSS YVES GUILLEMOT?
WE ASKED THESE TOP GAME DESIGNERS IF THEY'D EVER EATEN THEIR OWN POO AND NOT A SINGLE ONE REPLIED
WE ASKED THESE 10 VIDEO GAME VOICE ACTORS IF THEY'D LIKE TO ACCOMPANY US TO A FIELD, WHERE WE COULD SPEND HOURS STRAINING TOGETHER UNTIL ONE OF US PRODUCED AN EGG - AND NOT A SINGLE ONE DID
YOU BE THE DETECTIVE: CAN YOU WORK OUT WHO MURDERED UBISOFT BOSS YVES GUILLEMOT?
WE ASKED THESE TOP GAME DESIGNERS IF THEY'D EVER EATEN THEIR OWN POO AND NOT A SINGLE ONE REPLIED
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