Hello, everyone. I'm Bill Gaits - not to be confused with Bill Gates, the Microsoft man. Although, confusingly... I do work for a company that sells windows (the type you look through).
Though there are some superficial similarities in appearance, you've probably noticed one big difference between me and Bill Gates - I'm upside-down!
Also, my real name isn't even Bill Gaits - it's William Shakepears. "Gaits" is simply a nickname I acquired due to my unusual hobby: I enjoy inventing new ways to walk! Currently, I'm working on a type of walk that makes me resemble a maniac: thrusting hips, combined with two steps backwards for every one step forward, while snapping my fingers at groin level.
I often wonder what leading games industry figures would come up with if they had to invent a new way to walk. So, I asked a few of them - and this is what they told me.
Though there are some superficial similarities in appearance, you've probably noticed one big difference between me and Bill Gates - I'm upside-down!
Also, my real name isn't even Bill Gaits - it's William Shakepears. "Gaits" is simply a nickname I acquired due to my unusual hobby: I enjoy inventing new ways to walk! Currently, I'm working on a type of walk that makes me resemble a maniac: thrusting hips, combined with two steps backwards for every one step forward, while snapping my fingers at groin level.
I often wonder what leading games industry figures would come up with if they had to invent a new way to walk. So, I asked a few of them - and this is what they told me.
PEW DIE PIE (YouTuber)
"Sadly, I don't get many opportunities to walk, because most of my time is spent in front of a webcam, squawking and shrieking like a barmy kelpie. But if I did have to come up with a new way of walking, it would probably be totally crazy - like, I'd walk on my hands or knees, or just drag myself around like a dog with an itchy bottom, while vomiting and making my lower teeth jut out."
PETER MOLYNEUX (Producer)
"I don't talk to the media anymore, so I'm afraid I'm unable to tell you about the new walk I'm working on right now. Rest assured, this walk will change the way we think of pedestrians, but that's all I can say about it. Though now you'll probably just accuse me of over-hyping it, and crying, and failing to keep my promises to a teenage boy. Well, just wait until you get a load of my new walk - that'll shut you up."
GEOFF KEIGHLEY (Journalist)
"<MUNCH> t doesn't matter how I walk... <SLURP> What's important is that I heard Konami has <SLURP-SLURP> banned Hideo Kojima from performing his <MUNCH> new walk <KER-CHING>."
FATAL1TY (Professional Gamer)
"That doesn't sound like the sort of question I want to answer. Sorry."
BILLY MITCHELL (Arcade Gaming Champion)
"Let me ask you something: does Billy Mitchell look like he needs to invent a new walk? The walk I've currently got is the ultimate walk; I keep my head held high, and strut along like I own the world, flicking my hair around, and stroking my beard. I learned everything I know from my brothers Phil and Grant, and my mother Peggy."
HIDEO KOJIMA (Game Designer)
"What would A Hideo Kojima Walk look like? Something... like this! <DEMONSTRATES>"
BILL GATES (Founder of Microsoft)
"Not a lot of people know this, but when I started the company Microsoft, it was only because I failed in my preferred career - coming up with new types of walks for people. My favourite walk, before my company - Bill's Gaits Ltd. - went bankrupt, required the walker to skip backwards for three steps, before spinning around on both heels, sauntering forwards for five steps, then dropping down and dragging themselves the rest of the way on their stomach.
"My next business venture - a goat wholesale outfit called Billy Gates' Billy Goats - was even more of a failure, and I had to drown most of the stock. Fortunately, it was third time lucky! Please don't confuse me with Bill Gaits. I know a lot of folk say we look alike, but we're completely different people, and he slept with my wife. Upside down."
"My next business venture - a goat wholesale outfit called Billy Gates' Billy Goats - was even more of a failure, and I had to drown most of the stock. Fortunately, it was third time lucky! Please don't confuse me with Bill Gaits. I know a lot of folk say we look alike, but we're completely different people, and he slept with my wife. Upside down."
NOLAN BUSHNELL (Atari Founder)
"There's not much point in me coming up with a new way of walking, as I already invented the way most of us walk today, and it has proven enormously successful. What's that? I stole the walk off of our hominid ancestors? No. No, you're mistaken."
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