Also: though the review was published score-less, when it popped up on Metacritic it somehow had been magically awarded a 4/10. Apparently, through a process of complex algorithms, the reviewer's words were able to be distilled into an accurate and definitive numerical grade.
Or someone at Metacritic basically sat down, read the review, and went... "Hmmm... that reads like a four to me."
Cue complete outrage from other idiots, as thousands of Uncharted 4 supporters marched metaphorically on the Washington Post and Metactitic, posting cat food and burnt hospital sharps through the letterbox, and demanding that they retract their contrary opinions.
The reviewer responsible - one Michael Thomsen - has been widely attacked online for his review, precisely because that's probably what he was trying to provoke. His review appeared full of what seemed like deliberately inflammatory statements such as: “A Thief’s End is less a conclusion to Nathan Drake’s story than an affirmation of the inconclusive wreck it has always been."
Consequently, a petition has been set up - as of writing, it has over 6,000 idiots' signatures - demanding that the Washington Post review be removed from Metacritic.
Welcome, friends, to another beautiful day in the games industry.
Here are a few things to bear in mind before we go on:
1) That Washington Post reviewer is, by all accounts, a professional troll. This isn't the first time Thomsen has trashed a major, much-loved, game release. Regardless, it's still a bloody terribly written piece, that meanders for a while, before driving suddenly into a hedge, while the author screams "Wahey! Look at me, everybody!"
2) But even if he wasn't trying to be edgy and provocative, as I suspect he was - like a 10 year-old pretending to smoke a cigarette - all you're left with is that he didn't like the game. And if you did like the game, then... well... that means you and he have different, but equally valid, opinions.
3) Also, even if the petition hadn't been written by somebody from Athens, with a loose grasp of English - "Your Washington post for Christ's Sake , not a 12-year-old's diary. Treat the game with professionalism and respect" - nobody who can make a difference ever takes these petitions seriously. They seem to spring up for anything these days - "GET MY NEIGHBOUR TO STOP LOOKING AT ME FUNNY"... "BAN CLOUDS"... "HELP: HATS MUST BE STOPPED".
4) Review scores are stupid anyway, and always have been. They're there at the end of a review so lazy people don't have to read the entire thing. But you may as well just write "Good/Bad/Average". If you're marking out of ten, everybody knows that you're actually marking out of four: anything 7 and below is "bad". 8 and above is considered "good". Percentages? Don't get me started...
How are you ever meant to accurately quantify an opinion with a numerical value? You can't. Hence: Metacritic - the website that aggregates the opinions of some people who have an opinion about some things - is, ultimately, pretty meaningless. Even though the entire games industry looks upon it as the mark of whether their games are a success or not.
I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of days about all the drama that I've written about this year.
This latest one, like some of the others, is going to blow over in a heartbeat. By the end of this week nobody is even going to care.
Michael Thomsen will have moved onto his next hatchet job, and Georgios Petitionos will have already found something else to get outraged by. Every one of those 6,000+ people who signed the petition, or sent Thomsen an unpleasant tweet, has already forgotten they ever did it.
I could write more about how the petition won't make a difference, how complaining about someone not liking something you like is utterly futile... but I'm not going to insult your intelligence.
Digitiser2000 has an audience, I'm guessing, that is older than that of the average gaming site. A lot of you, I believe, are parents. You have jobs, responsibilities, bills to pay. You've not got the time to waste on frivolous petitions, and getting arsed-off about things you ultimately have no control over. You've got more important things going on, right? You matured. It happens to the best of us.
I signed a petition last week to save CBBC from the Tories. Ultimately, it was a waste of time - the government white paper on the BBC was nowhere near as bad as we'd all originally feared. But I signed that petition because it mattered to me.
Partly, because most of my income is provided by CBBC, but also because I think it's important to have a strong BBC, and a strong BBC that makes shows for children, which are free from commercial influence.
Now take a look at the logic behind the Uncharted 4/Washington Post petition. Petitionos The Greek gives his reasoning for demanding the review's removal from Metacritic as this: "It harms the Flawless reputation of the game for absolutely no reason. A review is not about what you think a game is , its about what a game is. Objective measures are applied."
Well, no. A review is absolutely the opposite of what you just said. It's absolutely what a reviewer thinks a game is.
You might be an idiot, Petitionos. You're definitely behaving in an idiotic way. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and say you're in your 20s. Maybe early 20s. Perhaps even younger. No kids. No mortgage. No real responsibilities. You've got the luxury of being able to behave like an idiot. It's a phase of life that the majority of us have to go through to get where we're meant to be.
However, as it is for me, I suspect that for you, sweet reader, life isn't like that anymore. Once upon a time, we probably would've allowed ourselves the luxury of getting annoyed about the smallest nonsenses. As we get older, so much of what wasted energy on just doesn't seem so important. You've got better things to waste it on. We look back and wince, but it was all part of the process.
And I suppose that's what I'm realising - I'm still a gamer, but I'm not the gamer I was. For the better.
I mean, over the weekend I ricocheted between four games: Ratchet & Clank, Uncharted 4, Doom and Inks. I love all of them.
What an amazing time to be a gamer, I told myself.
But in-between the gaming, I enjoyed the sunshine, went out for a pizza, and with the kids to see some dirty farm animals. We watched some good telly.
Then yesterday, we were at the funeral of my partner's grandad. A lovely, sweet man, who I sadly only got to meet a handful of times. He was an influential figure in the British animation industry - he'd worked on Yellow Submarine, and had a pretty amazing life.
And, as far as I know, he didn't waste it with getting annoyed and signing petitions, because a person didn't have the same opinion as him. And if he did, it was long forgotten, overshadowed by his achievements. A long life well lived.
And that's it really... it's perspective. That comes from age. I could tell the Uncharted 4 petitionees to "grow up", but that comes to us all when we're ready. When life's thrown everything it has at us, and we've survived... that's when you can look back at realise the lessons you've learned, what's important, and what isn't.
I dare say that Mr Petitionos thinks, right now, that his petition matters, but he's going to one day look back - I hope - and realise how irrelevant it was. I hope that at his eulogy it isn't mentioned as the defining moment of his entire life. That he grows up, and finds more substantial things to spend his energy and time on.
And that goes for all of those who routinely attack reviewers for their differing opinions. Not on here of course. Digitiser2000's comments are almost entirely interesting, civil and respectful - even when we differ. And that's why I've concluded that this is an issue of age and maturity. Digi - because most of you were there with me back in the nineties - has an older demographic. We've grown up enough to know that we can have different opinions, and that's okay.
It's the thing that other sites reporting on the Uncharted 4 petition are missing - perhaps because the people writing those reports are, themselves, closer in age to those signing that petition; the people behind it are probably, essentially, kids.
Let them have their petitions, and their angry rants. We've got better stuff to do. Bless 'em.