With E3 2018 well underway, the big players have started displaying the games that they'll be releasing over the next year or two.
The latest major player to hold a presentation was Ubisoft. Here's a blow-by-blow account of what turned out to be a highly eccentric event.
The latest major player to hold a presentation was Ubisoft. Here's a blow-by-blow account of what turned out to be a highly eccentric event.
JUST DANCE 2018
0.01 - An American man and a woman address the camera. They appear to be confused about just what it is they're introducing. They have twice referred to "Eurovision", before correcting themselves to "Ubisoft".
0.10 - The man and woman have asked the audience if they'd like the "Eurovis... Ubisoft presentation" to get underway. The audience issues a single clap as one, and in unison replies: "Yes".
0.15 - Ubisoft's presentation gets underway with what appears to be a musical tour of this year's host city. A brass band, dancers, a person dressed as a panda, majorettes, tumblers, jugglers, a nude man slithering around on his stomach, a child gnawing on a cymbal, and a woman dressed as a goitre, caper and gambol through the streets. Every single one of them is on drugs.
0.45 - The dancing throng has entered the theatre, rollicking along the aisles, terrifying the audience. A woman is crying, begging them to stop.
1.00 - The ensemble reaches the stage. Somebody has produced a sack of bricks. Dancers are grabbing them and throwing them into the crowd. "These are going to be collectable!" insists one games blogger, who is bleeding from the face. "I've lost all my blood!"
1.20 - The panda bear freezes to death, and has to be dragged off stage.
2.00 - A logo flashes up on screen: Just Dance 2019. The sound of an audience shrugging can be heard above a long, discordant, electronic pulse.
0.10 - The man and woman have asked the audience if they'd like the "Eurovis... Ubisoft presentation" to get underway. The audience issues a single clap as one, and in unison replies: "Yes".
0.15 - Ubisoft's presentation gets underway with what appears to be a musical tour of this year's host city. A brass band, dancers, a person dressed as a panda, majorettes, tumblers, jugglers, a nude man slithering around on his stomach, a child gnawing on a cymbal, and a woman dressed as a goitre, caper and gambol through the streets. Every single one of them is on drugs.
0.45 - The dancing throng has entered the theatre, rollicking along the aisles, terrifying the audience. A woman is crying, begging them to stop.
1.00 - The ensemble reaches the stage. Somebody has produced a sack of bricks. Dancers are grabbing them and throwing them into the crowd. "These are going to be collectable!" insists one games blogger, who is bleeding from the face. "I've lost all my blood!"
1.20 - The panda bear freezes to death, and has to be dragged off stage.
2.00 - A logo flashes up on screen: Just Dance 2019. The sound of an audience shrugging can be heard above a long, discordant, electronic pulse.
BEYOND GOOD & EVIL 2
5.02 - An American woman and a heavily-accented Frenchman have taken to the stage to reveal more about Beyond Good & Evil 2.
5.05 - The duo spend five minutes repeatedly hugging one another.
6.17 - Jospeh Gordon-Levitt has wandered onto the stage. He seems confused. He whispers into the Frenchman's ear, asking if he knows his way to the restrooms. The American woman and the Frenchman do their best to ignore him.
7.20 - An increasingly agitated Gordon-Levitt can't find his way off the stage.
8.40 - Joseph Gordon-Levitt has wet himself, and is now crying.
9.03 - The Frenchman and American woman leave the stage. Unfortunately, their microphones are left on long enough to hear them refer to Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a "Hollywood pissboy".
5.05 - The duo spend five minutes repeatedly hugging one another.
6.17 - Jospeh Gordon-Levitt has wandered onto the stage. He seems confused. He whispers into the Frenchman's ear, asking if he knows his way to the restrooms. The American woman and the Frenchman do their best to ignore him.
7.20 - An increasingly agitated Gordon-Levitt can't find his way off the stage.
8.40 - Joseph Gordon-Levitt has wet himself, and is now crying.
9.03 - The Frenchman and American woman leave the stage. Unfortunately, their microphones are left on long enough to hear them refer to Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a "Hollywood pissboy".
TRIALS RISING
10.38 - A bearded man dressed as Evel Knievel has ridden into the theatre on a motorbike, for some reason. Upon reaching the front of the audience, he falls off the motorcycle, staggers to his feet, and starts slapping people in the front row. He is sweating and hyperventilating. Speculation mounts that he appears to be in the grip of a "'roid rage".
11.01 - The bearded man clambers onto the stage, and pretends to slip on a banana peel. He spends more than a minute windmilling his arms and going "Woah! Woah! Woah!"
12.07 - The bearded man introduces Trials Rising by dragging a giant banana skin on stage. He pretends to slip on it, then rolls around on the skin, pulling it across himself as if he's being attacked by an octopus. "Woah! Woah! Woah!" he says.
11.01 - The bearded man clambers onto the stage, and pretends to slip on a banana peel. He spends more than a minute windmilling his arms and going "Woah! Woah! Woah!"
12.07 - The bearded man introduces Trials Rising by dragging a giant banana skin on stage. He pretends to slip on it, then rolls around on the skin, pulling it across himself as if he's being attacked by an octopus. "Woah! Woah! Woah!" he says.
MARIO + RABBIDS: DONKEY KONG ADVENTURE
13.57 - An Ubisoft employee is shoved onto the stage at the end of a broom. He appears to be terrified, and stands staring at the audience in silence for 30 seconds or so, occasionally licking his teeth.
15.43 - The man finally speaks, mutters something about Donkey Kong, scratches his forehead furiously, then runs off into the wings. Unfortunately, his microphone is left on long enough to hear a stagehand apologising for mixing up his medication.
16.12 - A band is playing some music, while a trailer for some Donkey Kong game shows on a screen behind them. Nobody in the audience understands why.
15.43 - The man finally speaks, mutters something about Donkey Kong, scratches his forehead furiously, then runs off into the wings. Unfortunately, his microphone is left on long enough to hear a stagehand apologising for mixing up his medication.
16.12 - A band is playing some music, while a trailer for some Donkey Kong game shows on a screen behind them. Nobody in the audience understands why.
SKULL & BONES
20.22 - A producer for this pirate game is failing to get the crowd excited.
21.10 - Attempting a new tactic to revive the flagging audience, the producer begins swearing. With every new swear word, the crowd whoops more enthusiastically.
23.12 - Realising that he has exhausted his supply of profanity, the man starts making up swearwords. After several minutes of "dunch", "fadge" and "vunk"-type words, he has once again lost the support of the crowd. He turns on them furiously, waving his fist and telling them to get out. He is ignored completely.
21.10 - Attempting a new tactic to revive the flagging audience, the producer begins swearing. With every new swear word, the crowd whoops more enthusiastically.
23.12 - Realising that he has exhausted his supply of profanity, the man starts making up swearwords. After several minutes of "dunch", "fadge" and "vunk"-type words, he has once again lost the support of the crowd. He turns on them furiously, waving his fist and telling them to get out. He is ignored completely.
TRANSFERENCE
19.34 - Frodo from The Lord of the Rings has stumbled onto the stage. When he realises where he is, he asks with a wink: "Has anybody seen my ring?". The audience think this is hysterical. He spends a minute or two enjoying their laughter.
20.12 - Frodo has a sudden realisation. "Wait," he says, "Did you think I was talking about my asshole?" The audience seems to consider this part of a routine, but Frodo appears genuinely agitated and embarrassed.
20.12 - Frodo has a sudden realisation. "Wait," he says, "Did you think I was talking about my asshole?" The audience seems to consider this part of a routine, but Frodo appears genuinely agitated and embarrassed.
STARLINK: BATTLE FOR ATLAS
25.19 - A heavy atmosphere hangs in the air, nobody wanting to point out that Starlink: Battle For Atlas basically looks like No Man's Sky.
26.21 - Somebody in the audience leans across to his friend, and whisper: "This looks a bit like Starfox, but with toys and No Man's Sky graphics."
27.23 - Surprise! Starlink is going to have a crossover with Starfox! Shigeru Miyamoto stands up in the front row, and waves at the person next to him. "I am Shigeru Miyamoto," he announces. "I am the sweet man you might have seen before."
28.19 - Shigeru Miyamoto is presented with a toy spaceship. He nods at it so furiously that he cracks his forehead on the toy and breaks both the toy and his own jaw. Slack-jawed, he is led backstage to receive medical attention.
26.21 - Somebody in the audience leans across to his friend, and whisper: "This looks a bit like Starfox, but with toys and No Man's Sky graphics."
27.23 - Surprise! Starlink is going to have a crossover with Starfox! Shigeru Miyamoto stands up in the front row, and waves at the person next to him. "I am Shigeru Miyamoto," he announces. "I am the sweet man you might have seen before."
28.19 - Shigeru Miyamoto is presented with a toy spaceship. He nods at it so furiously that he cracks his forehead on the toy and breaks both the toy and his own jaw. Slack-jawed, he is led backstage to receive medical attention.
FOR HONOR: MARCHING FIRE
39.45 - It's a new expansion pack for the semi-enjoyed For Honor. An awkward shufflIng in seats as it's announced that one of the player characters is... A WOMAN.
42.52 - Four new fighter classes are introduced: Celts, Wombles, Chiropodists and Murderers. The awkward shuffling has turned into a stampede for the doors as half the audience leaves upon realising that the game will feature more than one woman.
42.52 - Four new fighter classes are introduced: Celts, Wombles, Chiropodists and Murderers. The awkward shuffling has turned into a stampede for the doors as half the audience leaves upon realising that the game will feature more than one woman.
ASSASSIN'S CREED ODYSSEY
53.29 - The big reveal of a new Assassin's Creed game set in Ancient Greece. The crowd are loving it, though many journalists become concerned about the correct spelling of both Assassin and Odyssey. They can only hope that spellcheck has their back when it comes to writing their E3 copy.
55.51 - The producer drops a bombshell: players will get to choose between a male and female character. What remains of the audience is split. Half of them are already online venting fury about how historically inaccurate this is, insisting that there is no record of any Greek ever being a woman. The other half are writing lurid opinion pieces about bigotry, insisting upon a historical precedent for how there were indeed several Greek women - as evidenced in the movie Wonder Woman (itself a turning point for women's rights akin to the suffrage movement).
59.12 - And with that the presentation comes to a close. Everybody returns to the stage to sing Do They Know It's Christmas, with Ubisoft boss Yves Guillemot getting to do the "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you!" bit, except he changes the words to "Tonight I am Yves Guillemot, and I am a nice man".
55.51 - The producer drops a bombshell: players will get to choose between a male and female character. What remains of the audience is split. Half of them are already online venting fury about how historically inaccurate this is, insisting that there is no record of any Greek ever being a woman. The other half are writing lurid opinion pieces about bigotry, insisting upon a historical precedent for how there were indeed several Greek women - as evidenced in the movie Wonder Woman (itself a turning point for women's rights akin to the suffrage movement).
59.12 - And with that the presentation comes to a close. Everybody returns to the stage to sing Do They Know It's Christmas, with Ubisoft boss Yves Guillemot getting to do the "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you!" bit, except he changes the words to "Tonight I am Yves Guillemot, and I am a nice man".
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