
You could sit through the entire thing, or you could just read our detailed and exhaustive, shot-by-shot analysis.
Why would you do that? Just 'cause! Three!
![]() There's a new Just Cause game on its way, in case you didn't know. Publisher Square Enix has just released an explosive trailer for this third instalment in the destroy-all-things-on-a-tropical-island-and-take-down-a-dictator 'em up franchise - due out on PS4, Xbox One and PCs this December. You could sit through the entire thing, or you could just read our detailed and exhaustive, shot-by-shot analysis. Why would you do that? Just 'cause! Three! 0.06 - BOOM! The trailer begins as it means to continue - with the blossoming of a beautiful, slow-motion explosion. It looks a bit like a beautiful seashell, doesn't it? Don't put your ear beside it to try and hear the sea, however - you'll be killed by the force of the blast, and go deaf. 0.20 - OH... It looks like some sort of radar station, or oil refinery. Whatever it is, it is currently not exploding, and therefore of little interest. 0.24 - BOOM! YAY! Now it is. Now it's exploding. That's what we came to see. 0.35 - WHAT'S THAT? Something is emerging through the smoke. It could be a car, or part of a car, or a horse that looks like a car... 0.37 - WHEEEEE! It is a car! In fact, it's Harry Potter and his wizarding pals, in Arthur Weasley's flying car! This might seem a bit incongruent, but JK Rowling has insisted that the Just Cause series is in fact part of the official Harry Potter canon. 0.44 - OH! BOOM! HA HA! Look at it all blowing up there. Fire, and flames... "INCENDIO!" cackles Harry, insanely. 0.53 - OH DEAR...! Because he's drunk on butterbeer and vodka, stupid Harry Potter has crashed the car, critically injuring himself, and killing both Hermione and Ron, the former of a broken neck, the latter from internal bleeding and a burst leg. 0.56 - NO MORE HOGWARTS! Sadly, Harry's incendio spell has gone badly awry, and he's set fire to the bridge that leads to Hogwarts - killing Neville Longbottom, Professor Flitwick, and a visiting Denzel Washington. 0.59 - MAGNUM PI? MORE LIKE MAGNUM D.. IE...! Here we can see a flaming poster of 1980s TV detective Magnum PI, who is both a former head teacher of Hogwarts, and the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. 1.04 - HERE COMES CLOUD GUY "Who's that flying through the sky? It's your new best friend - it's Cloud Guy!" 1.10 - NO IDEA This could be anything, frankly. 1.19 - THE EYE HAS IT And now we have a close-up of an eye, reflecting both the carnage and a Subutteo player. But whose eye is it? 1.22 - SNAPE'S EYE Just in case you were worried he wouldn't be putting in an appearance, we learn that the eye belongs Severus Snape - here sporting a bold new look. 1.25 - EXTERMINATE As you can clearly see, Snape is now part-Dalek, and has broken his shins, or something. And he's also in his pants, and wearing a special harness, and you can see his nips and that. 1.27- ECCLESTONE And thus arrives former Doctor Who actor Christopher Ecclestone, who is rumoured to be playing Hogwarts new Defence of the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Steelpole. 1.29 - STEELPOLE'S WAGGLEDANCE Professor Steelpole addresses his class, announcing - in his unmistakable Salford accent - that he's going to perform a "waggledance, alright". He proceeds to do this by banging his big wand on that metal crossbar thing, distressing everyone who witnesses it. 1.32 - AND NOW... MICHAEL BOLTON Ensuring that Just Cause 3 is one of the most star-studden games of all time, even soft-rock crooner Michael Bolton shows up to sing his top 10 hit 'Can I Touch You... There?'. 1.34 - BOLTON'S CONFUSION The trailer ends as the music cuts out abruptly, and a confused Bolton just stops, his heavy, rasping breaths taking us to... 1.39 - THE LOGO Just Cause 3 is released this December.
6 Comments
Ploppy
16/7/2015 12:25:44 pm
Jesus Christ.
Reply
Acid Arrow
16/7/2015 01:04:32 pm
That trailer was ludicrous. Ludicrously hot (meaning good) that is!
Reply
Bruce Flagpole 1138
17/7/2015 05:01:49 am
How about an NSFW warning next time? Mother caught me looking at this, I tried to explain to her that i was "just looking at video games" but she says that she is disgusted with me....thanks a lot digi!
Reply
Voodoo76
17/7/2015 05:49:52 am
I'm slightly less interested in this game, then who's on The One Show this evening.
Reply
Cc
23/3/2016 08:27:58 pm
Must...stop...laughing...lon...g ...enough...to...post...comment...
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