There's a new Just Cause game on its way, in case you didn't know. Publisher Square Enix has just released an explosive trailer for this third instalment in the destroy-all-things-on-a-tropical-island-and-take-down-a-dictator 'em up franchise - due out on PS4, Xbox One and PCs this December.
You could sit through the entire thing, or you could just read our detailed and exhaustive, shot-by-shot analysis.
Why would you do that? Just 'cause! Three!
You could sit through the entire thing, or you could just read our detailed and exhaustive, shot-by-shot analysis.
Why would you do that? Just 'cause! Three!
0.06 - BOOM!
The trailer begins as it means to continue - with the blossoming of a beautiful, slow-motion explosion. It looks a bit like a beautiful seashell, doesn't it? Don't put your ear beside it to try and hear the sea, however - you'll be killed by the force of the blast, and go deaf.
0.20 - OH...
It looks like some sort of radar station, or oil refinery. Whatever it is, it is currently not exploding, and therefore of little interest.
0.24 - BOOM! YAY!
Now it is. Now it's exploding. That's what we came to see.
0.35 - WHAT'S THAT?
Something is emerging through the smoke. It could be a car, or part of a car, or a horse that looks like a car...
0.37 - WHEEEEE!
It is a car! In fact, it's Harry Potter and his wizarding pals, in Arthur Weasley's flying car! This might seem a bit incongruent, but JK Rowling has insisted that the Just Cause series is in fact part of the official Harry Potter canon.
0.44 - OH! BOOM! HA HA!
Look at it all blowing up there. Fire, and flames... "INCENDIO!" cackles Harry, insanely.
0.53 - OH DEAR...!
Because he's drunk on butterbeer and vodka, stupid Harry Potter has crashed the car, critically injuring himself, and killing both Hermione and Ron, the former of a broken neck, the latter from internal bleeding and a burst leg.
0.56 - NO MORE HOGWARTS!
Sadly, Harry's incendio spell has gone badly awry, and he's set fire to the bridge that leads to Hogwarts - killing Neville Longbottom, Professor Flitwick, and a visiting Denzel Washington.
0.59 - MAGNUM PI? MORE LIKE MAGNUM D.. IE...!
Here we can see a flaming poster of 1980s TV detective Magnum PI, who is both a former head teacher of Hogwarts, and the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.
1.04 - HERE COMES CLOUD GUY
"Who's that flying through the sky? It's your new best friend - it's Cloud Guy!"
1.10 - NO IDEA
This could be anything, frankly.
1.19 - THE EYE HAS IT
And now we have a close-up of an eye, reflecting both the carnage and a Subutteo player. But whose eye is it?
1.22 - SNAPE'S EYE
Just in case you were worried he wouldn't be putting in an appearance, we learn that the eye belongs Severus Snape - here sporting a bold new look.
1.25 - EXTERMINATE
As you can clearly see, Snape is now part-Dalek, and has broken his shins, or something. And he's also in his pants, and wearing a special harness, and you can see his nips and that.
1.27- ECCLESTONE
And thus arrives former Doctor Who actor Christopher Ecclestone, who is rumoured to be playing Hogwarts new Defence of the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Steelpole.
1.29 - STEELPOLE'S WAGGLEDANCE
Professor Steelpole addresses his class, announcing - in his unmistakable Salford accent - that he's going to perform a "waggledance, alright". He proceeds to do this by banging his big wand on that metal crossbar thing, distressing everyone who witnesses it.
1.32 - AND NOW... MICHAEL BOLTON
Ensuring that Just Cause 3 is one of the most star-studden games of all time, even soft-rock crooner Michael Bolton shows up to sing his top 10 hit 'Can I Touch You... There?'.
1.34 - BOLTON'S CONFUSION
The trailer ends as the music cuts out abruptly, and a confused Bolton just stops, his heavy, rasping breaths taking us to...
1.39 - THE LOGO
Just Cause 3 is released this December.
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