Surprising nobody, unless you're some sort of stupid idiot who doesn't realise that sequels follow successful games as surely as a tramp follows a bottle of whisky down a hill, Fallout 4 was officially unveiled last week.
As is the way with these things, the announcement was accompanied by a trailer. We watched the whole thing, so that you don't have to bother. Here's our important and vital breakdown:
As is the way with these things, the announcement was accompanied by a trailer. We watched the whole thing, so that you don't have to bother. Here's our important and vital breakdown:
0.01 - Please Stand By
Jaunty music, of the sort you can imagine accompanying Huckleberry Finn as he fannies around on a river, here provides the backdrop to a fizzing, flickering, black and white TV screen, sporting the ominous epithet "Please Stand By". What can it all mean? Stand by for what?! Why won't somebody tell us?!!!!!!!
0.28 - Oh! Oh Just Look at the Mess!
The camera pulls back to reveal the TV screen is in what remains of a 1950s-style American living room, and/or a student squat decorated by ironic hipster types. There's nobody here, so let's all keep our fingers crossed that they've been horribly murdered, or choked to death on their fair trade quinoa.
0.36 - Look: Much Nicer
And the picture flips to show the same living room prior to whatever crisis befell it, as an announcer tells us that the world is poised on the brink of war. Also... uh-oh - somebody forgot to take their brolly with them...!
0.37 - Dirty Again
We're back in the wake of the apocalypse... and who's this visitor? It's Barkus - the Radioactive Dog! Let's join together in singing his theme song: "Barkus, Barkus/What do you do/When there's no food to eat and you can't go to poo?/Do you chew off your paw and then poo that out?/Or do you pray to to the gods to make your anus pout?".
0.42 - Not Dirty!
Look at that high-tech 1950s kitchen. It's all very nice and everything, but would you want a chrome frog robot floating around your house with a packet of what we assume to be baking soda? What if it malfunctioned and poured baking soda onto a cushion?
0.57 - Back to Barkus
Unfortunately, radiation is unlikely to have given Barkus special powers, like they do in super-hero comics. It's much more likely that Barkus is riddled with tumours, and hasn't got very long to live.
1.12 - "We Seem to Have Lost Contact With Our Affiliate Stations..."
A pre-war scene of domestic bliss, with a not-entirely-convincing infant, whom we shall dub "Baby Totto".
1.19 - Barkus Hits The Streets
Barkus is out of the house and running now, as the voice-over portentously announces an imminent nuclear attack. Where is Barkus running to? Perhaps he is running to his death, like everything and everyone else in this depressing trailer...
1.23 - Panic In The Streets
Meanwhile, back in the past, things appear to be going south rather fast - people panic and shriek, as they make their way to their nearest fallout shelters. Calm down, everyone - it's not the end of the... oh... wait...
1.32 - Big Door
It's the door of Vault 111, opening, and leading to...
1.37 - Wherever This Is
Big needle-y thing? It's probably Washington, or somewhere. We dunno. If it's tourist information you want we suggest TripAdvisor, whatever that is.
1.40 - The Return of Admiral Nelson
This shot appears to confirm the rumour that none other than Admiral Horatio Nelson himself will be making an appearance in Fallout 4. We simply can't wait to see his redesigned uniform...!
1.41 - I'm a Blade Runner...
Look at all that moody, neon-lit noir. And is that our first glance of Admiral Nelson? If it is, you can certainly kiss our hardies!
1.44 - Boring Junkyard
There are a lot of these sorts of shots now, and they all started to get a bit tedious. We'll just skip through the bulk of them.
1.47 - What's That Coming Over The Hill? It Is a Monster
Look at that big, lumbering oaf. He'll probably be absolutely lethal when you meet him - proving that a little radiation goes a long way when it comes to squeezing billions of years of evolution into just a decade or so.
2.09 - Flashback to a Big Flash
Boooom! Enjoy your fiery deaths, losers!
2.12 - From Barkus to Baby Totto to Nelson to Birdoid
Who is Birdoid? According to sources inside Bethesda, he's the God of Poultry, and was directly responsible for causing the nuclear apocalypse. Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all.
2.15 - Birdoid Sees All.
Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all. Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all. Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all. Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all.
2.20 - All Hail Birdoid
Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all. Birdoid is omniscient. Birdoid sees all. Praise Birdoid.
2.23 - Logo
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