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Top 5 miscarriages of justice in Chase H.Q.

10/5/2018

16 Comments

 
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GUEST ARTICLE by SUPER BAD ADVICE

Back in the 1980s, life was simpler. Instead of all the rules and regulations cops have to ignore these days before tasering someone in the forehead, they could just cause mayhem and chaos on the roads and streets of the US of America while apprehending people who merely look like a wrong-un.

All regardless of whether they had much in the way of evidence and all that. So, er, actually much the same as now, but let’s pretend it wasn’t for the purposes of this article, yeah?
 
Anyway, many people don’t realise it – mainly because it’s a complete fabrication – but the game Chase H.Q. is actually a digitised documentary of a day in the life of two such typical 80s ‘plod’. But what about the so-called villains they apprehended?

​Let’s take a look and see what REALLY happened when the cameras (arcade machines) were switched off (broke down after being repeatedly kicked by dank teens lurking in run-down seaside arcades).
Case 1: Ralph, the Idaho Slasher
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First off, this clearly isn’t ‘Ralph’. Assuming the Idaho Slasher is a murderer rather than someone just known for their prolific urination, it’s pretty obvious that a serial killer wouldn’t own a flashy sports car – let alone an imported British one – as all their money would be spent on knives and knife sharpening equipment such as whetstones, leaving them barely enough to run a Honda Civic.
 
Plus look at this man’s face: what’s that strange white line down the side, and why is he so oddly open mouthed, like someone warming up to attempt to eat a large swiss roll in one go?

​And those odd, orange overalls? This is trendy 1980s America, with its shoulder pads and espadrilles, after all. No, there’s something up here.
 
VERDICT: A passing bin man framed by having an Easter Island statue mask glued to his face to make him look a bit like the killer in Halloween.
​
Case 2: Carlos, the New York armed robber

​Now this is more like it. New York is quite big, and absolutely heaving with baddies (just take a look at any of the villain-sodden New York-based Spider-Man films such as Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, Another Spider-Man 2 and Spider-Man: A Further Spider-Man only now Robert Iron Man Jr. as well).

So to become notorious enough to be ‘the’ New York armed robber, Carlos must be hot stuff in the crime world. Or is he?
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​Take a look at this archive photo of Carlos’s arrest. For starters, now it seems he’s down for armed robbery AND murder, so the charges have been trumped up – probably to make him sweat and want to ‘flip’. We can also clearly see that he’s missing a finger on his left hand, and is wearing a terrible brown wig so is 100% definitely bald.
 
This makes me believe this is in fact none other than popular and now quite dead actor Telly Savalas, and these cops have abused their position to stop a famous person simply to get him to sign autographs and record voicemail messages for them to use on their mobiles in 20 years’ time.

No doubt they got him to recite his famous catchphrase “Who loves your babies? Kojak. Kojak is the one who loves your babies!”.
 
VERDICT: Police corrupted by the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
​Case 3: A ‘gang’ of Chicago pushers
 
Now this is just getting silly. Since when has 2 people been a gang? They’re either the most pathetic gang since the Get Along Gang (because ‘getting along’ and not being openly hostile to your fellow club members is hardly the highest of bars to set yourself, let alone make the entire raison d’etre of your group), or this is yet another stitch-up by the boys in blue. Well, one of them is in blue at least.
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​What’s most disturbing here is that the right hand of the cop performing the search has punched straight through the trousers of the poor man in the green coat, and seems to have disappeared inside his anus. That shows a high level of panic and desperation in our suspicious sheriff.
 
VERDICT: Police officer is aware he will be shortly discharged from the force due to corruption, so is hastily self-retraining as a bovine veterinarian and getting some practice in on unwitting members of the public.
Case 4: The L.A. Kidnapper
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​VERDICT: Scene too disturbing to comment.
​Case 5: The Eastern Bloc Spy from Washington
 
Ah, the cold war – nothing like the fear of retaliatory nuclear attack resulting from a botched diplomatic incident to focus the minds of law enforcement. Or at least that’s what you’d hope, but no: our boys are off again, smashing cars off of the highway left and right in pursuit of justice.
 
So what does our secret agent from behind the iron curtain look like? A thin, shrew-like nasty such as V. Putin, or a blonde Natasha-style femme fatale?
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​No, apparently we’re supposed to believe that no one thought someone blacked up and doing a terrible Bruce Springsteen impersonation (perhaps he sang Al Jolson songs in the style of ‘The Boss’?) was suspicious, and further that such a person could carry out espionage operations unhindered.
 
This is obviously yet another set-up job to cover for the fact the real spy must have got away, but we can at least cut our police friends some slack for putting an end to what we can only assume was an inexplicably racist and very confusing cover band.
 
VERDICT: Deserving of 20 years on fashion grounds alone. 
16 Comments
The Cheshire Cheese Consumer
10/5/2018 08:30:51 am

The L.A. Kidnapper getting a taste of what happens in jail, without dropping the soap!

Reply
Mark M
10/5/2018 08:42:03 am

Thanks for that, I nearly spat my tea out. :D

Reply
Scott C
10/5/2018 09:55:26 am

Even more disturbingly, it looks like a case of dry feltching at the end of Stage 3.

Reply
Darrel
10/5/2018 09:00:35 am

Stage 4 - definitely going in dry judging by the facial expressions

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Actual Chase H.Q. voice sample.
10/5/2018 09:18:49 am

"More, push it more!"

Reply
Another Chase H.Q. voice sample
10/5/2018 03:00:12 pm

"Giddy up boy!"

ANOTHER Chase H.Q. Voice Sample
10/5/2018 03:43:51 pm

'Relax, don't do it....when you wanna come....'

Humour Decider
10/5/2018 11:10:41 am

This was funny

Reply
Dan Whitehead
10/5/2018 11:12:11 am

Pretty sure that the "Eastern Bloc Spy" is in fact Dexy, sans his Midnight Runners. What did they "run"? Why at midnight? Why did they want to come on Eileen? It all falls into place...

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Spiney O'Sullivan
10/5/2018 02:41:24 pm

Dexy isn't the name of the lead singer, it's actually just short for Dexedrine, an amphetamine used for partying all night at the time. So that answers your non-Eileen-related questions.

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RichardM
10/5/2018 11:50:20 am

I know something’s always lost or mucked around in translation from Japanese, but Chase H.Q. is a weird name. The action the police perform followed by the abbreviation of headquarters... Still. Anyone fancy a game of Parking Enforcement H.Q? Speed Detectoring H.Q? “OK! You’re under arrest for driving through a red light at 32 in a 30 zone.”

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Nick
10/5/2018 02:12:41 pm

Great article SBA!

I have a hypothesis to posit.

Away from seaside towns and large cities there were bugger all arcades. Therefore the arcade machine found in the local chip shop/takeaway is the one the nascent gamer develops an affinity to.
In my home town the best chip shop only had a fruit machine but the local takeaway had Chase HQ. I loved Chase HQ. It was probably already out of date when I started playing on it (I think I had played the home version on our C64) and I remember spending far too long on it. I loved the music, the cars and the little gear stick, the sense of speed and brightness of the graphics compared with the Commodore and NES we had at home. Most of all I liked the fact it was a “racing” game with a story and a point.

This was, of course, before I noticed the complete lack of procedural realism and the shocking flouting of the law by the two protagonists. More heroes buried.

Reply
Marro
11/5/2018 05:29:47 am

I loved Chase HQ more than maybe any other arcade game in the Eighties. The rush of adrenaline when I sighted the perps and the siren and lights went on was like crack cocaine to my 11 year old self.
The commodore 64 port was abysmal. The speccy version was incredible though.

Reply
Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
10/5/2018 03:21:09 pm

Super Chase: Criminal Termination has cutscenes and Nancy throwing her hair back.

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MyEvilResident
13/5/2018 02:24:00 pm

I really want to play this game again now to witness them and if I don't catch them I can now use the excuse I was preventing a miscarriage of justice

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gavinmit link
14/5/2018 09:35:31 am

"Criminals here!"

*Alleged* criminals. This isn't Court H.Q., you fascists.

Reply



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