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THINGS I'D FORGOTTEN THAT I OWNED: POCKETEERS

5/1/2017

24 Comments

 
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Pocketeers. Remember them? I didn't until just now. And then I remembered that I owned tons of them. In fact, I owned every single one on this list - and more. What a horrible spoilt child I must've been.

How is it possible I could've forgotten them though? What else have I forgotten? Where am I? What happened to my trousers? What's all this soft stuff in my undies...?

Tomy's Pocketeers - distrubuted by Palitoy in the UK - were pre-electronic games; wind-up handheld whimsies, which sometimes attempted to emulate popular arcade games through mechanical and magnetic means.

I mostly recall being bought them for long car journeys - in motorway service stations and the like. Though given the precision required for most of these games, it's unlikely that a bumpy car ride was particularly conducive to success, not least when being slapped by your mother for asking "How much longer in minutes?" over and over and over.

In an age before smartphones, before the Game Boy, before Game & Watch even, Pocketeers were the only way kids could enjoy on-the-go gaming. Here are the ten Pocketeers I remember best, sort of. 
GRAND PRIX
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Rotating the dial on this game would make the four primary-coloured cars perform laps of the track (via a magnet concealed beneath them). Presumably - given that this wasn't a multiplayer game - the challenge came from placing bets on which of the cars would win. Thus, Tomy and Palitoy were responsible for an entire generation of gambling addicts.

We used to play a version of this at school, in the back of our exercise books. We'd draw an obstacle-filled track, and make our way around it by each pressing different coloured biro into the page, and flicking it so that it left a mark. The good thing about this game is that you could play it during lessons without getting into trouble. Unlike a game called The Screaming Game, the aim of which I'll leave to your imagination.
STEEPLE CHASE
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Do you remember the playground rhyme that went "Here's the church, and here's the steeple/Open the door and see all the people", along with its accompanying hand gestures? It has nothing to do with the Pocketeers Steeple Chase game. I just thought I'd mention it.

A shrunk-down version of the popular Screwball Scramble, the aim of Steeple Chase was to guide a ballbearing to the goal - over see-saw bridges, winding staircases, and a turntable. To the best of my knowledge, this was the most complex - and certainly most aesthetically pleasing - Pocketeer ever released.

Hang on. I just remembered another version of that playground rhyme, which was taught to me by a boy called Ian Grewcock (real name). It went "Here's the church, and here's the steeple/Open the door and look - it looks just like a girl's fanny."
RAT-A-TAT
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A simple shooting gallery game, with you flinging ballbearings - via a sort of tommy gun-style catapult - at a gangster wagon. Each successful shot would cause the vehicle to move closer to the mobsters' hide-out. Which, somewhat incongruously, had the word "HIDE-OUT" emblazoned on the roof. You know: just like real gangster hideouts during the Prohibition era. 
RALLY
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Using similar "technology" to Grand Prix, there was seemingly no real aim to Rally - you merely steered a car around the streets. It was a sort of step up from those fuzzy toy car play mats, and undeniably a precursor to Grand Theft Auto. Albeit without the option to run over pedestrians. Unless you imagined them...
BIG MATCH
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I didn't like football, but that didn't stop me pretending to like football so that I felt less of a social leper. Along with Panini sticker albums, scarves, footballs, and Subutteo, I also owned Big Match - one of the few multiplayer games in the Pocketeers range; two players face off in an attempt to flick a ball into their opponent's goal. In every respect it was better than real football - and cost significantly less than your own football stadium, and hiring 22 wankers.
CASINO
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I didn't know what the ruddy Hell I was meant to be doing with this - and looking at it now I'm still none the wiser. Nonetheless, there was a nice tactile sensation when you pulled back on the buttons, and released to make the dice wheels spin around. 

For added fun, you could make up your own rhyme: "Spin spin spin, go the dice! Spin spin spin goes the rice!"

"What are you doing? Why are you throwing rice everywhere?"

"Ha ha!"

"What is wrong with you? It's all over the living room. Just wait until your dad gets home."
BIG HIT
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If there's one thing I find more boring than foot-o-ball it's cricket - a game so tedious they'd have been better off calling it "Dull-fard"!!!! Perhaps I was sucked in by the name of this Pocketeer - Big Hit, rather than the more obvious "Cricket". Something about it must've appealed, and I certainly remember getting plenty of play out of it. Look at the players on there though: the bowler and batsman are considerably more cartoonish than the fielders. Sloppy.
SPACE INVADER
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Probably my favourite Pocketeer after Rally, Space Invader - narrowly avoiding a copyright infringement case - required you to fire the inevitable ballbearing past the moving barriers to hit the UFO at the top. In a nice touch it depicted the invasion occurring over the UK; the US version of this game ditched the globe for a more blatant "homage" to Space Invaders.
SPLASHDOWN
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This was a nightmare. The aim was to connect a helicopter at the top of the screen to the astronaut at the bottom by building a line of ballbearings - connected to one another via the miracle of magnetism. Suffice to say, you haven't experienced frustration until you've tried to connect a sequence of ballbearings to one another via a weakening magnetic field.
MONKEY PUZZLE
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This game had it all going on - spinning two wheels on the sides of the Pocketeer would cause the monkeys to ascend towards their home, into which they must deposite a ball. For reasons known only to the monkeys, the ball could only be ferried to its destination by balancing it between their bottoms. Instead of balancing, couldn't they have just jammed the balls right up there? You know: right. Up. Their Arses?

Or, y'know, just used their prehensile tails, or something?
For more on Pocketeers check out this exhaustive guide by Stuart Campbell.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
A GALLERY OF DIGITAL WATCH GAMES
​
THE STUPIDEST STAR WARS ACTION FIGURES EVER
​
SCRIPTS OF MY YEARS PART SIXTEEN: DIGITISER2000 - BY MR BIFFO


24 Comments
Percy Plant
5/1/2017 11:14:58 am

Here's the church, here's the steeple, look inside and see all the people. Here's the vicar saying his prayers, look at his leg, it has no hairs!

Between the NES MINI, the watches and now these things, I feel like I'm undergoing some kind of regression therapy!
It's all cool but some of these memories are so fragmented and dreamlike that it makes me feel like Keith Richards... like a crocodile on a vibrating bed.

Thanks!

Reply
Nick
5/1/2017 11:36:56 am

Ahhhgggh!
I had Steeple Chase. I remember it being exceptionally difficult but rather compelling.
I also now remember both versions of the rhyme and accompanying hand movements. I need to find someone at work to try it with.

That wouldn't be too weird, right.

Reply
John Veness
5/1/2017 12:05:30 pm

The Casino one looks like it would be useful for Yahtzee, as that uses five dice, doesn't it?

Speaking of dice, I am very proud of the fact that my two-year old son correctly calls a singular one a "die", as he has been taught. I expect he will get laughed at in school for this, though.

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James of the North
5/1/2017 01:15:28 pm

Or it could be played like the "Higher or Lower" game on Brucie's Play Your Cards Right.

The possibilities are endless!

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Mr Maths
6/1/2017 10:40:07 am

Actually, I'm afraid the possibilities are not endless. With five six-faced dice the number of possibilities is 7,775.

Mr Jokes
6/1/2017 10:33:17 am

Perhaps those laughing at your son will do so so hard that they'll 'die'. That'll learn 'em!

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Trevor Cod
5/1/2017 12:08:49 pm

What's that astronaut doing with his non-waving hand in Splashdown?!

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Mr Biffo
5/1/2017 12:24:43 pm

Pissing into his capsule.

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Trevor Cod
5/1/2017 01:17:04 pm

SLASHdown!

Sorry.

Fenella Fellorick
5/1/2017 03:03:46 pm

Oi, Timmy! Why is your face all red? Have you been wanking in your Space suit again? (Raises hand) Yes mum, and i've also just done a massive Tommy Tinker!

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RichardM
5/1/2017 12:18:06 pm

Strangely I have no recollection of these, must have been slightly before my time. Or you're all just really, really old. I see they run for a good £16.99 on eBay: nostalgia sure pays the bills. Signed Timmy Mallet picture, anyone?

...anyone?

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Glenn
5/1/2017 12:30:38 pm

Why in SPLASHDOWN have they hired 2 different artists to draw the same astronaut in the same pose in slightly different styles?

Maybe one was concept art that they accidentally left in?

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Elvisbelt
5/1/2017 12:51:56 pm

Jesus! Why has my brain erased these completely? I was obsessed with how Gran Prix worked. Took it apart and ruined the bastard. My dad leathered me.

Happy days.

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Mr Biffo
5/1/2017 01:03:47 pm

Oh man! So did I! I'd forgotten that too...!

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antony adler
5/1/2017 01:02:05 pm

Proud to say I was playing Pocketeer Grand prix just last weekend with the kids, who loved the randomness of it. A great ebay purchase a while ago :) They loved it, well, for about 45 seconds away...

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Paul
5/1/2017 01:20:21 pm

Wow - I remember those. I had a few. I certainly had Rally and Space Invaders. I also had a version of Pop-Up Pirate - you had to jam swords into a depiction of a barrel until a pirate appeared. There was also a fishing game I had - it involved a blue disk that rotated (this depicted a pond or a river), and you had to push plastic fish into a “net” area with a kind of rod. Again, this was powered by some kind of clockwork mechanism.

Blimey, I’d forgotten those too until now.

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John
5/1/2017 03:00:08 pm

I played the fishing one just the other weekend, after I found it in a drawer. It should have been called 'scraping', since that is what you actually do, swinging your rod to scrape as many things as possible into your collection. I suppose they envisaged players carefully trying only to scrape the fishes, but I was perfectly happy to have it all in my sack.

Eh! Rod, eh! Sack, hmm!

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Bonedancer
5/1/2017 03:20:57 pm

That was the proverbial blast from the past! I didn't have any of those (though I recognised a few, presumably owned by friends) but I did possess this:

http://preview.tinyurl.com/hzcjtkk

... which was apparently called WAR TANK. You'd fire ball bearings (of course) at tiny pegs that when hit would flip a picture of a boring, non-destroyed tank or artillery piece to an exciting, mid-explosion version.

I loved it, and haven't thought about it in years.

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TheFakeDonaldTrump
6/1/2017 10:42:31 pm

I had one of these called 'Pile Up'. It was a sort of gimcrack Pole Position, and didn't involve ball bearings. It was surprisingly gripping. Unlike this description of it.

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darbotron link
8/1/2017 02:49:20 pm

fuuuuuu! I had completely forgotten about these things! The top 4 or 5 literally freaked me out; like they were pulling things out of my dreams.

My mom's cousin was married to a dude who worked in marketing in the toy industry & their kid (who was one of my best friends) had pretty much every toy that was on the market. I think I played all these round at their house in the days before the speccy, C64, & xmen comics took over all our available leisure time

Thanks for the retro memories!

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Pablo Watsoni
9/1/2017 11:38:03 am

I too had forgotten about these until seeing this article. And now having been reminded I definitely had at least one: Monkey Puzzle. They must have been enchanted to make so many people forget they ever existed. It's the only explanation.

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Jenny
9/1/2017 02:04:57 pm

I have the basketball one (US version) sitting on my desk right now!!

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Robert
19/1/2017 10:22:51 am

Oh yes. I had one or two of them and definitely recall being drawn like a magnet to any others that a friend owned. Pocketeers were glorious.

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Chris Wyatt
7/2/2017 09:14:34 pm

A few toys I'd almost forgot I had until I saw them recently:

Underwater ring toss - I can't remember the specific one, but I definitely had something a bit like 'Waterful Ring Toss'.

Tomy Spotbot - I loved this toy! Actually, the only toy I remember liking more than this one, was a bumper car, that when it bashed into something, it automatically went into reverse. Blew my mind. No idea what they toy was called.

Reply



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