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THE XBOX ONE OWNER'S GUIDE TO NO MAN'S SKY - AS ILLUSTRATED WITH GUY FIERI

9/8/2016

13 Comments

 
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Are you an Xbox One owner? Have you rolled your eyes at the hype surrounding the imminent release of No Man's Sky? Have you struggled to contain your envy of PS4 owners? Or perhaps you are a PS4 owner, and have been smart enough to hold off on buying No Man's Sky until the reviews drop?

Either way: this is your article, and we urge you to share it with all of those who greedily gobbled up the hype, and convinced themselves that No Man's Sky - sight unseen - would be the greatest game they ever did play.

We have gathered some of the most damning quotes from around the Internob, from those who have played the game, and coupled them to some suitable imagery of the celebrity chef Guy Fieri - custom made to provoke maximum irritation among the No Man's Sky early adopters....
"No Man's Sky has a lot of blotchy, badly defined textures that you might have seen in a polished PlayStation 2 game..."
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"Hello Games' co-founder Sean Murray has warned that No Man's Sky is 'a weird game'."
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"One thing that’s rubbed me the wrong way playing on a PS4 is the controls."
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"I would love the opportunity to just explore these places, jump between them at will, explore the galaxy and see what awaits me without the constant pressure to collect a bunch of crafting materials just to survive."
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"No Man's Sky is slow, even a bit of a slog..."
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"No Man's Sky is obviously an INDI game, lots of FOG and limited FOV, also the space stations all look the same..."
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"No Man's Sky" is like playing a slow, French sci-fi cartoon mixed with a Pink Floyd laser light show..."
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"Muted the TV so I wouldn’t have to listen to the space techno music in the menu screen."
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"Searching for and collecting bits of rock and minerals is about as fun as it sounds."
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"There’s an ugly dithering effect that happens as objects pop into view in front of you, that can really break the sense of immersion."
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​IT'S NOT FOR US TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH THESE PHOTOS OF VINTAGE GAMERS... BUT PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SHOW THEM TO YOUR DAD IN THE BATH?
​
THE DIGITISER2000 COMMERCIAL BREAK
10 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG​
13 Comments
PeskyFletch
9/8/2016 12:38:50 pm


"No Man's Sky" is like playing a slow, French sci-fi cartoon mixed with a Pink Floyd laser light show..."

That sounds brilliant to me.

Reply
Alastair
9/8/2016 01:24:59 pm

It's upped expectations of both the game and Guy Fieri.

Reply
Stay
9/8/2016 02:45:00 pm

I for one would up for a Ulysses 31 game provided I could shoot Nono whenever I wanted too.

Reply
Lord Jonty McMonkey 18th Earl Of Thuringishire
19/8/2016 11:35:50 pm

He's just a small robot you know.

But yes a game that played like "a slow, French sci-fi cartoon mixed with a Pink Floyd laser light show" does indeed sound like sort of thing I'd spend time and money on. Once it had been patched a few times of course, Oh these days...

TromaDogg
9/8/2016 01:20:19 pm

Until people have played it for a few days and half of them are subsequently bored to tears by it, there's going to be no telling the numpties out there.

Reply
Alastair
9/8/2016 01:25:57 pm

Good, it'll cut down on the explorers out there so there's more galaxy for later adopters.

Reply
Nige
9/8/2016 03:24:53 pm

I've been scoring the marketing and preview articles. It's currently at double-Molyneux levels with a dangerous potential to increase even further before the PC release this Friday.

Reply
hooptiecoupe link
9/8/2016 05:22:12 pm

I like how you don't leave any refrences to any of the articles where you supposedly read these 'damning quoutes' from.

Its probably from the same 1 article. from an envious xbox owner :)

Reply
Mrtankthreat
9/8/2016 05:32:28 pm

You can click on the quotes, they're linked to the sources.

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
9/8/2016 10:58:14 pm

Hooptie's coup has been foiled

:(

Chris Wyatt
9/8/2016 11:18:43 pm

Hoop got whooped

Mr Biffo
9/8/2016 09:57:06 pm

Hooticoupe got pwned.

Reply
David W
9/8/2016 07:53:52 pm

Come back Ainsley, all is forgiven.

Reply



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