THE XBOX ONE OWNER'S GUIDE TO NO MAN'S SKY - AS ILLUSTRATED WITH GUY FIERI

Are you an Xbox One owner? Have you rolled your eyes at the hype surrounding the imminent release of No Man's Sky? Have you struggled to contain your envy of PS4 owners? Or perhaps you are a PS4 owner, and have been smart enough to hold off on buying No Man's Sky until the reviews drop?

Either way: this is your article, and we urge you to share it with all of those who greedily gobbled up the hype, and convinced themselves that No Man's Sky - sight unseen - would be the greatest game they ever did play.

We have gathered some of the most damning quotes from around the Internob, from those who have played the game, and coupled them to some suitable imagery of the celebrity chef Guy Fieri - custom made to provoke maximum irritation among the No Man's Sky early adopters....

"No Man's Sky has a lot of blotchy, badly defined textures that you might have seen in a polished PlayStation 2 game..."

"Hello Games' co-founder Sean Murray has warned that No Man's Sky is 'a weird game'."

"One thing that’s rubbed me the wrong way playing on a PS4 is the controls."

"I would love the opportunity to just explore these places, jump between them at will, explore the galaxy and see what awaits me without the constant pressure to collect a bunch of crafting materials just to survive."

"No Man's Sky is slow, even a bit of a slog..."

"No Man's Sky is obviously an INDI game, lots of FOG and limited FOV, also the space stations all look the same..."

"No Man's Sky" is like playing a slow, French sci-fi cartoon mixed with a Pink Floyd laser light show..."

"Muted the TV so I wouldn’t have to listen to the space techno music in the menu screen."

"Searching for and collecting bits of rock and minerals is about as fun as it sounds."

"There’s an ugly dithering effect that happens as objects pop into view in front of you, that can really break the sense of immersion."

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