You may not have heard of Phoenix Games, but they were one of the most prolific games publishers of the 90s and 00s. Before the Dutch company went bust in 2009, closing its offices - including a subsidiary in Leicester, UK - it spewed out scores of titles for the PlayStation, PS2, Wii and Nintendo DS. Any one of them could rank on the worst games of all times list.
Describing itself as a "super budget publisher", Phoenix Games' ethos was to invest next to nothing into its releases, developing them very quickly using an established template, and then punting them into newsagents and shitshops, so they weren't competing directly with bigger budget/better releases.
Often they would license the output of animation studios with a similar creative ethos - low-budget cartoons, typically thinly-disguised "homages" to Disney classics. Phoenix would bundle the short films together with a handful of mini games (always jigsaw and slide puzzles, and colouring books).
These included versions of Cinderella, and - memorably - Toy Story, entitled The Toys Room. It starred a bizarre stuffed doll known as Pina, and a sentient Game Boy called Charlie Chip, who waggled a questionably-placed joystick whenever he spoke.
Its terrifying cover must be seen to be believed:
Describing itself as a "super budget publisher", Phoenix Games' ethos was to invest next to nothing into its releases, developing them very quickly using an established template, and then punting them into newsagents and shitshops, so they weren't competing directly with bigger budget/better releases.
Often they would license the output of animation studios with a similar creative ethos - low-budget cartoons, typically thinly-disguised "homages" to Disney classics. Phoenix would bundle the short films together with a handful of mini games (always jigsaw and slide puzzles, and colouring books).
These included versions of Cinderella, and - memorably - Toy Story, entitled The Toys Room. It starred a bizarre stuffed doll known as Pina, and a sentient Game Boy called Charlie Chip, who waggled a questionably-placed joystick whenever he spoke.
Its terrifying cover must be seen to be believed:
However, perhaps the most notorious Phoenix Games relationship was its collaboration with German Animation studio Dingo Pictures.
Formed in the early 90s, Dingo released films with titles such as Aladin (a single L getting around any potential copyright issues), Legend of Herkules, Mighty Mulan, and various releases featuring Dalmatians. However, chief among all of these was Snow White and The 7 Clever Boys.
As with many Dingo Pictures releases, it was licensed by Phoenix Games, and given a cover that doesn't remotely resemble anything in the film itself.
Let's take a look at the seven minute-long film, which boasted a crude mix of CGI backgrounds and hand-drawn animation...
Formed in the early 90s, Dingo released films with titles such as Aladin (a single L getting around any potential copyright issues), Legend of Herkules, Mighty Mulan, and various releases featuring Dalmatians. However, chief among all of these was Snow White and The 7 Clever Boys.
As with many Dingo Pictures releases, it was licensed by Phoenix Games, and given a cover that doesn't remotely resemble anything in the film itself.
Let's take a look at the seven minute-long film, which boasted a crude mix of CGI backgrounds and hand-drawn animation...
"Not so long ago, and not so far away, near the seventh town across the seventh river", the 7 Clever Boys lived in a house in the forest, and made it their life's work to keep the forest "perfectly in order".
I assumed initially that changing the title to "7 Clever Boys" were a way to either circumvent Disney's lawyers, or because the creators felt "dwarves" too politically sensitive. In truth, the "boys" were far more problematic.
I assumed initially that changing the title to "7 Clever Boys" were a way to either circumvent Disney's lawyers, or because the creators felt "dwarves" too politically sensitive. In truth, the "boys" were far more problematic.
First there was Cubby, who was "like a small bear" (he wasn't: he looked like he had leukaemia), Big Basil, "Who was huge... well, for a boy he was huge" (fat-shaming), Sonny "Who took care of the plants and the animals" and had the misfortune of looking exactly like a outdated racist caricature, complete with massive lips, Jacob who "Was in charge of keeping order in the forest", Michael "Who cared for the flowers" (some crossover with Sonny there), and The Professor ("the most intelligent").
And we must not forget Joseph Junior, "The seventh boy"... because, presumably, coming up with seven defining traits was too much for the writers.
Notably, none of the boys get a single line, or any action which denotes their differing personalities and characteristics.
And we must not forget Joseph Junior, "The seventh boy"... because, presumably, coming up with seven defining traits was too much for the writers.
Notably, none of the boys get a single line, or any action which denotes their differing personalities and characteristics.
The 7 Clever Boys return home to their house in the forest to find the door open, and "A funny face on the chimney" (this is never explained).
We cut immediately to the inside of the house, where a young girl stands with a microphone, bathed in spotlights. She begins to sing her backstory, as the 7 Clever Boys arrive inside via most untraditional means; by turning into droplets of water, and squirting up through the floorboards.
We cut immediately to the inside of the house, where a young girl stands with a microphone, bathed in spotlights. She begins to sing her backstory, as the 7 Clever Boys arrive inside via most untraditional means; by turning into droplets of water, and squirting up through the floorboards.
"This is my song I am singing now,
The one of the mirror and the evil queen,
Sparkling mirror the truth it can see,
Oh say it please: who is more beautiful?
She is so jealous, jealous of me,
So very jealous, jealous of me,
Show the miracle of beauty in the lake of your glass,
Her heart so hard, it won't let me pass,
She has chased me, hunted me (hunted me),
Alone, crying, in forest so dark,
I know that you really care,
What we say?
Our lives we can share,
She is so jealous of me,
So very jealous of me,
It lives in her evil heart,
Unlike mine,
She has chased me, hunted me (hunted me),
Alone and crying, in forest so dark,
I know that you really care..."
The one of the mirror and the evil queen,
Sparkling mirror the truth it can see,
Oh say it please: who is more beautiful?
She is so jealous, jealous of me,
So very jealous, jealous of me,
Show the miracle of beauty in the lake of your glass,
Her heart so hard, it won't let me pass,
She has chased me, hunted me (hunted me),
Alone, crying, in forest so dark,
I know that you really care,
What we say?
Our lives we can share,
She is so jealous of me,
So very jealous of me,
It lives in her evil heart,
Unlike mine,
She has chased me, hunted me (hunted me),
Alone and crying, in forest so dark,
I know that you really care..."
The boys rock out as Snow White belts out her song - as Sonny accompanies her on the saxophone. Mid-song, Snow White even finds time for a costume change into a pair of leggings and a vest top.
What we say?
What we say?
The song concludes with the narrator telling us: "So Snow White came to stay with the seven boys, of course she did."
Yes, of course she did.
"The next morning, all seven went to the forest and worked as hard as usual, because they were happy that they had lovely Snow White to look after."
Yes, of course she did.
"The next morning, all seven went to the forest and worked as hard as usual, because they were happy that they had lovely Snow White to look after."
The following sequence of the happy boys clearing up the forest shows them collecting litter from the branches of tress - and playing basketball with it - while Joseph Junior (the seventh boy) dons a helmet and protective padding, and runs vertically up and down tree trunks, and skips on the surface of rivers.
Sonny is shown rushing hither and tither for no apparent reason, while Big Basil dumps a sack of rubbish onto a pile only for Cubby to jump out and shrug.
"They were such good boys weren't they?" asks the narrator, with doubt in his voice.
But then... something terrible happened.
Sonny is shown rushing hither and tither for no apparent reason, while Big Basil dumps a sack of rubbish onto a pile only for Cubby to jump out and shrug.
"They were such good boys weren't they?" asks the narrator, with doubt in his voice.
But then... something terrible happened.
The Wicked Queen disguised herself as an ugly old hag - notable in the narration for the narrator suddenly adopting an overt Australian accent for the words "ugly old hag" so it sounds more like "Aggly old haaa-aaAAgh?" - and gave Snow White a poisoned apple.
The poor girl took one bite and fell down unconscious, fast asleep - possibly forever!
The poor girl took one bite and fell down unconscious, fast asleep - possibly forever!
When the boys came home that night they were overcome with grief - "So sad!" - and sat around crying all night long, their "young hearts almost bursting with sorrow".
"Just awful" the narrator tells us; "No more Snow White to meet them, or smile her lovely smile at at them, or sing her lovely songs - never, ever, ever again."
But suddenly, something happened... "Something quite incredible!"
"Just awful" the narrator tells us; "No more Snow White to meet them, or smile her lovely smile at at them, or sing her lovely songs - never, ever, ever again."
But suddenly, something happened... "Something quite incredible!"
Outside the boys' house, a cloud of dust approaches, accompanied by a chuffing, squeaking, sound.
Could a Prince Charming on a noble horse have come to save Snow White? Was this really Prince Charming?
"Yes it was - hooray!"
Except, he's not on a horse, but a BMX. Which then turns into a horse once he's arrived... And when he sees Snow White, he gives her comatose body, quite unbidden, a "Soft, loving, kiss... And, well, the result was simply beautiful, and magical, in every way."
Could a Prince Charming on a noble horse have come to save Snow White? Was this really Prince Charming?
"Yes it was - hooray!"
Except, he's not on a horse, but a BMX. Which then turns into a horse once he's arrived... And when he sees Snow White, he gives her comatose body, quite unbidden, a "Soft, loving, kiss... And, well, the result was simply beautiful, and magical, in every way."
Snow White and Prince Charming and the clever boys all lived happily ever after - "And even after that".
Better still, "All of them work together to keep the forest cleaner and greener than ever before... Wasn't that nice?" the narrator asks again, doubtfully.
And after seven minutes, that is the end of the story about Snow White and the 7 Clever Boys. Brief it might be, but there's still the mini game portion, which uses stills from the film for its puzzles, and might give you another five minutes or so of value.
The worst video game ever, boys and girls. No competition.
Better still, "All of them work together to keep the forest cleaner and greener than ever before... Wasn't that nice?" the narrator asks again, doubtfully.
And after seven minutes, that is the end of the story about Snow White and the 7 Clever Boys. Brief it might be, but there's still the mini game portion, which uses stills from the film for its puzzles, and might give you another five minutes or so of value.
The worst video game ever, boys and girls. No competition.
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