THE WEIRDNESS OF PICK n' MIX - A GUIDE

Pick n' mix or popcorn? It's the first-world dilemma I suffer whenever I visit the cinema.

​Invariably, I choose the pick n' mix - less bits that can get stuck in my teeth and distract me during the film, see. And then I regret it, because I usually have eaten most of it before the film starts. I then spend the remainder of the running time a) Sweating profusely, and wishing I hadn't eaten all those sweets, and b) Suppressing a panic attack about the dirty public germs I just fisted down my throat, and worrying that I might get the runs.

Here's a brief guide to some of the selections you'll find in any pick n' mix display.

LIQUORICE COMFITS

Comfit isn't a word you hear often. What is a comfit anyway? According to Wikipedia, "Comfits are confectionery consisting of dried fruit, nuts, seeds or spices, coated with sugar candy". That's a real interesting fact.

​This is the baseline of the pick n' mix; a traditional, sensible, sweet, of the sort a grandfather might enjoy - first sucking off the sugar candy, before feasting on the laxative liquorice within.

​Also, "comfit" sounds like it's short for "comfortable fit", which is somewhat appropriate, given their resemblance to suppositories, their bright hue suggesting Willy Wonka has moved into the anus medicine business.

"Grandfather, no! Those aren't your comfits!"

COLA BOTTLES

Yeah, we'll give you this one; they're only semi-weird.

​They don't taste much like cola, when you think about it, but if you need your thirst quenching, and you're in an environment where liquids could prove troublesome - such as outer space, or a roller coaster, or a bouncy castle full of troubled youngsters - then these could serve an important practical purpose, probably.

Also, have you never wondered why the cola bottles appear to be half empty? Or half full, depending whether you're one of those people who can somehow remain optimistic, when some dirty train station tramp has drunk half your Coke.

LAGER TOPS

Okay. Right. So. Yeah. Basically a grown-up version of the cola bottles... except real grown ups drink actual beer, because it tastes better than these distressingly oily facsimiles.

Kids, nevertheless, are the real target audience, making them a gateway drug for alcoholics: "Ooh, look at me. I'm drinking a beer. I'm a fabulous drunk, like father".

Also, look at the size of the head on those things. CAMRA wouldn't stand for that.

When you think about it, these are basically a working class version of wine gums. Its a miracle hipsters haven't yet brought out gummy craft beers, in miniature mason jars.

FRIED EGGS

The clever thing about jelly fried eggs is that they taste how you always imagined real fried eggs should taste, which is a sort of generic, creamy-vanilla-y, taste.

However, the most unfortunate contribution to history made by the jelly fried egg is that they appear to have pioneered mixing foam with gummy. This technique has been largely adopted by Haribo, for its so-called "Star Mix" - which have the taste and texture of pork pie aspic that has been left out in the sun.

FOAM MUSHROOMS

Soft, squidgy, mushrooms, with only slightly less nutritional value than actual mushrooms. Do they taste of mushroom? No. And neither do they taste of tainted, engorged, nipples, which is what they most closely resemble.

FOAM BANANAS

These make a certain degree of sense. Anyone who has had Angel Delight can tell you that banana flavour is actually nicer than the real flavour of bananas - which is basically a sort of watered-down, less sugary, banana-ish flavour. So this is a case where science has improved on nature.

​Except! Get a load of this: there's an unsubstantiated urban myth that artificial banana flavour is actually based on the taste of a real type of banana called the Gros Michael - or Big Michael (ha ha) - that was all but wiped out in the 1950s, due to a fungal outbreak. True.

​Please come back, Gros Michael.

FOAM SHRIMP

"...Sorry, what? You want to make sweets in the shape of prawns? You mean the fruits de mer? And these sweet prawns will be seafood flavour, presumably? Oh. No. You want to them to be a sort of vaguely stale raspberry flavour. Yes. Yes that makes sense."

GIANT GUMMY DOLPHINS

Of course, a dolphin is the obvious choice for the largest gummy in the pick n' mix display, being as it is an aquatic mammal which can be found regularly on the menus of high class seafood restaurants.

What does it taste of? Blue. It just tastes of blue.

CHOCOLATE TOOLS

What child hasn't stood in their parent's tool shed and wished it were possible to eat their pliers, or wrench?

​Fortunately, the confectioners of yore granted us that wish, with these cheap-tasting contrivances in the shape of hammers, saws, and paintbrushes.

Incidentally, is there a reason that pick n' mix chocolate tastes so bad? Does it contain some chemical, which prevents it from going off? Or an anti-bacterial agent to protect against the filthy claws of the countless children who don't have the common decency or upbringing to use a scoop, who mouth-breathe onto the sweets while delving their bum-stinking fingers into the edible treasures?

JELLY TEETH

Again, most of us have, at some time or another, looked upon the false teeth of our grandparents and wished we could have them in our own mouth.

​Oh, how sweet they look, how milky they must taste, coated as they are with a thin film of white powder which might be the result of some manner of yeast infection. Of course you'd make sweets from those.

JELLY DENTURES

Modern technology has resulted in this horror: a juicier, more biologically faithful edible recreation of discarded dentures. Frankly, as time goes on, the pick n' mix selection is coming to resemble nothing less than the stock room of a medical prosthetics company.

JELLY FANGS

Why? Why are they doing this? These are marketed at children... to put in their mouths!

ANOTHER TYPE OF JELLY FANGS

Three incisors and two canines. These teeth belong to no creature known to science.

MORE JELLY FANGS

These were the earliest documented type of edible teeth - fangs, which, alas, look more like the inside of a mouth which has suffered severe decay, leaving just the canines.

"Grandfather, what do your gums taste of?"

"Strawberries, my child."

"<LICK LICK> Ugh! No they don't. They taste like ham!"

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 GAMES YOU'D FORGOTTEN WERE A FLOP
PLEASE, FATHER, HOW DID THEY COMBAT BAD GAMES PIRACY BACK IN THE DAY?
​WHAT'S ON THE BOCKS? VINTAGE HARDWARE PACKAGING REVIEWED - INTRODUCED BY HADWIN THE FOCKS