Howdy, folks. I'm Pan, the god of the wild, and the shepherds and the flocks, and the companion of the nymphs. I'm the original sexy-time boy! Unfortunately, I've got a bit of a sore throat at the moment, so I haven't been blowing my famous pipes as much as I normally would.
You see, I had a bit of traumatic experience in the lavatory last week. I'd gotten my moist toilet tissues mixed up with a packet of self-tanning wipes, and - suffice to say - I didn't know where it was all coming from. I was in there for hours calling for help, and by the time I figured out what was happening, my throat was raw, and I had the brownest bumcrack in all of Ancient Greece!
However, this has afforded me plenty of time to enjoy one of my other favourite things: Nintendo's Game & Watch handheld game series. I'd therefore like to present to you this gallery of some of the more obscure entries in Nintendo's long-running series. TTFN!
You see, I had a bit of traumatic experience in the lavatory last week. I'd gotten my moist toilet tissues mixed up with a packet of self-tanning wipes, and - suffice to say - I didn't know where it was all coming from. I was in there for hours calling for help, and by the time I figured out what was happening, my throat was raw, and I had the brownest bumcrack in all of Ancient Greece!
However, this has afforded me plenty of time to enjoy one of my other favourite things: Nintendo's Game & Watch handheld game series. I'd therefore like to present to you this gallery of some of the more obscure entries in Nintendo's long-running series. TTFN!
JUDGE (1980)
Fans of Super Smash Bros. might be familiar with Judge - the character from Nintendo's fifth Game & Watch title - where he appears in the form of an alternative attack by Mr Game & Watch.
In Judge, two players went head to head, controlling hammer-wielding characters, who had to wallop their opponent over the head, should they display a higher number than them. You know: like a version of that popular playground game, 'Hitting People on The Head With a Hammer'.
In Judge, two players went head to head, controlling hammer-wielding characters, who had to wallop their opponent over the head, should they display a higher number than them. You know: like a version of that popular playground game, 'Hitting People on The Head With a Hammer'.
HELMET (1981)
Hilariously, this game was retitled 'Headache' in the UK, as - apparently - it was felt that the word 'helmet' has certain lewd connotations within our dirty shores. Consequently, it's hard to read the following sentence without reading unintended filth into it: Helmet's gameplay required the player to avoid being hit in the head by tools that were being tossed over a shed.
LION (1981)
Another game which gets referenced in Super Smash Bros. - by way of a chair-based attack - Lion cast the player as a lion tamer, whose job was to prevent a lion from escaping its cage, by constantly reinforcing the bars. Sadly, history doesn't record how Nintendo came up with the unusual and imaginative title for the game...
EGG (1981)
A variation on countless other Game & Watch titles, Egg had you playing a wolf, attempting to catch eggs as they rolled out of hens' cloacas.
If you are unfamiliar with how that process works, please allow us to elaborate: the hen turns part of the cloaca and the last segment of the oviduct inside out, rather like a glove. The red membrane is then everted inside of these organs. The egg emerges far outside, at the end of the bulging membrane.
If you are unfamiliar with how that process works, please allow us to elaborate: the hen turns part of the cloaca and the last segment of the oviduct inside out, rather like a glove. The red membrane is then everted inside of these organs. The egg emerges far outside, at the end of the bulging membrane.
TURTLE BRIDGE (1982)
Quite how Mr Game & Watch got himself into this predicament is anyone's guess, but Turtle Bridge finds him ferrying luggage from one side of a river to another, using the backs of turtles as stepping stones. We can only conclude that Mr Game & Watch is a massive idiot of some sort.
RAIN SHOWER (1983)
Rather than bring the washing inside, the ghastly oaf in Rain Shower attempts to move the clothing on his washing line to avoid specific raindrops. "Just take it in, stupid!", we would shout at the screen, not quite realising how video games work.
LIFEBOAT (1983)
Catch cruise ship passengers as they leap from a burning vessel, saving them from shark-infested seas. A more realistic scenario would have had the passengers fleeing their vomiting shipmates, who were infected with the norovirus.
SPITBALL SPARKY (1984)
The first game in the short-lived SuperColor series (so named for a colour overlay on the screen), Spitball Sparky was a shameless Breakout rip-off, wherein the player fires spitballs upwards to break blocks. Disgusting, really. Also, look: no crosshair D-Pad!
CRAB GRAB (1984)
A bit like Tetris... but with crabs. Ha ha.
BOXING (1984)
The first game in Nintendo's Micro Vs series, Boxing boasted two joypads - featuring the iconic Nintendo D-pad design - for two-player punchings. It was developed concurrently with the NES beat 'em up Urban Champion - though was released prior to the latter.
DONKEY KONG CIRCUS (1984)
Do they still have animals in the circus these days? Probably not, thinking about it. Which is a shame, because back in the day it was just about the only way you'd ever get to see a depressed seal parping on a bullhorn.
Donkey Kong Circus was yet another variation on the move-back-and-forth-and-catch-things genre - albeit with Mario lobbing the things, and Donkey Kong rolling around on a barrel. The Game & Watch Panorama Screen and Tabletop Series games were beautiful to look at, but somewhat less popular than their flat-bodied cousins.
Presumably due to the lack of portability, and the overwhelming technicolour visuals.
Donkey Kong Circus was yet another variation on the move-back-and-forth-and-catch-things genre - albeit with Mario lobbing the things, and Donkey Kong rolling around on a barrel. The Game & Watch Panorama Screen and Tabletop Series games were beautiful to look at, but somewhat less popular than their flat-bodied cousins.
Presumably due to the lack of portability, and the overwhelming technicolour visuals.
DONKEY KONG HOCKEY (1984)
In short: it's Mario vs Donkey Kong in a game of hockey. And yes - despite that fact, it's Donkey Kong who gets star billing. Mario, for the most part, was still little more than his sidekick and antagonist during the 1980s. Oh, how those tables turned. It's like when Robbie left Take That.
GOLD CLIFF (1988)
A platformer with disappearing platforms, Gold Cliff owned more than a slight debt to both the original two-screen Donkey Kong, and Indiana Jones. Notably, it featured crabs once again. Nintendo loved its crabs. Or hated them. One or the other. Either way: CRABS!
MARIO THE JUGGLER (1991)
The final Game & Watch, Mario the Juggler was post-NES, and arrived just after the launch of the Super NES - and Super Mario World. It paid its respects to Ball, the first ever Game & Watch game, albeit with far more colourful visuals, which were clearly inspired by its home console counterparts. Also, coming two years after the release of the Game Boy, Nintendo fans were already taking their eyestrain in another form...
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