EXT. KANSAS - DAY
Dorothy, a girl, and Toronto, her animal, are having a nice day in the proud state of Kansas (Senator Jerry Moran - Republican), waving a big Confederate flag. It's all in black and white for reasons that will never become apparent, but maybe it's a race thing.
DOROTHY: What a lovely day in Kansas, USA - where only four percent of the population identifies as non-Christian! And get this: only one percent are Muslim, and less than one percent are Jewish! You're not going to find any of your left-wing Zionist elites here.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof woof. #MAGA!
DOROTHY: Ha ha. Nice one, dog. You're a true American!
TORONTO: Oh no - a tornado! Thanks a lot, global warming, which doesn't even exist.
DOROTHY: Yeah, don't you mean... thanks a lot, Obama - for nothing!!!!
TORONTO: Correct-a-mundo!
Dorothy and Toronto start doing some fracking.
DOROTHY: This will bring jobs back to America!
Suddenly - and somewhat ironically - Dorothy and Toronto are swept up by the tornado!
EXT. MUNCHKIN LAND - DAY
Dorothy and Tonronto are spat out by the tornado in a colourful village - and land atop an old witch, breaking her neck.
DOROTHY: Holy macaroni! The tornado appears to have transported us to another dimension, full of tiny houses, a rubber clock tower, nine whistles hanging from a tree, and one dead crone. What an unusual location!
A little man scuttles towards Dorothy on his hands and knees.
CYGNET: You're my hero.
DOROTHY: Wow - a little person!
It's Cygnet - the Munchkin (played by Warwick Davis)! He slithers around on his stomach, and makes tiny mewling noises: the most powerful sound of which he is capable.
CYGNET: I am the mayor of Munchkinland, and I commend you for killing the Wicked Witch of the East. No longer shall we be ruled by a woman.
DOROTHY: Gasp!
TORONTO: #LockHerUp!
CYGNET: I will lock her up: in a bitch's grave!
TORONTO: #HilaryEmails! #Benghazi!
WICKED WITCH: Hang on. I'm not dead. My neck is broken, but I'm still alive. Could you take me to hospital please?
CYGNET: Sure thing. Good job we've got Obamacare here in Munchkinland!
DOROTHY (furious): Whaaaaaaat!??!?
The Wicked Witch of the East chooses to die instead.
CYGNET: I award you these - <BURRRRRP!> - ruby slippers as your prize for being number one in witch-killing. Take them to Emerald City, and you can redeem them for a ticket home to Kansas, USA.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #SupportOurTroops!
DOROTHY: How do I get to Emerald City?
CYGNET: Just follow the Yellow Brick Road!
DOROTHY: I'm sorry - did you say "Yentob Rickroll"?
MUNCHKINS (singing, as they emerge from the drains, like slugs): Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Yeah! Follow the Yellow Brick Road!
DOROTHY: Follow the Yentob Rickroll! Ha ha! This is a real good song! Boop boop! I'm dancin' around, as you can clearly see.
EXT. THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD - DAY
Dorothy and Toronto follow the Yellow Brick Road until they arrive at a corn field.
DOROTHY: Look, Toronto - a scarecrow. Let's punch it repeatedly in the stomach for being such a floppy salad. Take this, you liberal melt!
Dorothy wallops the Scarecrow in his straw-filled belly.
TORONTO: Grab 'im by the pussy! #DrainTheSwamp
Dorothy does as she's told.
SCARECROW: Ow! You rotten motherf@cker!
DOROTHY: The scarecrow - he talketh!
SCARECROW: That's right - I'm talkin' here. Talkin' like Teddy Ruxpin! I don't have a brain, so I'm too stupid to realise that I'm an inanimate object. I voted Democrat.
TORONTO: It's like some kind of terrifying golem!
SCARECROW: I'm not terrifying. Observe, as I caper and romp, like some big ninny.
The scarecrow capers and romps.
DOROTHY: I burn you - with fire! Die, cuck!
Dorothy quickly makes some fire, and the Scarecrow burns to death.
DOROTHY: Phew! That was a close one. I thought he was about to start telling me that trickle-down economics doesn't work!
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #TrumpTrain!
TIN MAN: Stop right there!
DOROTHY: Yikes - it's a tin woodsman, and he's waving his rusty chopper!
TIN MAN: Correct. I'm waving my chopper right in your face. I was just behind those trees over there, swinging my chopper around, because I want to get wood, but I swung it too vigorously, and the head of my chopper came off! I think I need to tighten my nuts etc. People keep telling me I'm a sexual predator, but I'm talking about my axe! I'm just some metal dude. I don't even have a libido.
DOROTHY: Then you won't feel... THIS!!
Dorothy performs a cool roundhouse kick, and severs the Tin Man's carotid artery.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof.
DOROTHY: Now what are we going to do? I really hope another unusual character doesn't appear.
An unusual lion appears.
LION: Roar! I'm a cowardly lion called Cecil.
DOROTHY: You make me sick. I hate cowards. I bet you've never even served our country.
LION: Whimper! Why can't we all just get along?
DOROTHY: You're not going to defeat terrorism with kind words, you crazy damn fool! The only way you're going to do that is by moving the US embassy to Jerusalem!
Dorothy feeds the lion some "Tiger-Brand Lion Poison". The Lion dies (almost) immediately. She poses for a photograph with the corpse, giving a big thumbs up to the camera, then posts it onto all of her social media feeds.
DOROTHY: Ha ha. I'm a dentist now!
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #FakeNews
DOROTHY: That's that all done. Let's get to the Emerald City, Toronto my man!
Dorothy, a girl, and Toronto, her animal, are having a nice day in the proud state of Kansas (Senator Jerry Moran - Republican), waving a big Confederate flag. It's all in black and white for reasons that will never become apparent, but maybe it's a race thing.
DOROTHY: What a lovely day in Kansas, USA - where only four percent of the population identifies as non-Christian! And get this: only one percent are Muslim, and less than one percent are Jewish! You're not going to find any of your left-wing Zionist elites here.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof woof. #MAGA!
DOROTHY: Ha ha. Nice one, dog. You're a true American!
TORONTO: Oh no - a tornado! Thanks a lot, global warming, which doesn't even exist.
DOROTHY: Yeah, don't you mean... thanks a lot, Obama - for nothing!!!!
TORONTO: Correct-a-mundo!
Dorothy and Toronto start doing some fracking.
DOROTHY: This will bring jobs back to America!
Suddenly - and somewhat ironically - Dorothy and Toronto are swept up by the tornado!
EXT. MUNCHKIN LAND - DAY
Dorothy and Tonronto are spat out by the tornado in a colourful village - and land atop an old witch, breaking her neck.
DOROTHY: Holy macaroni! The tornado appears to have transported us to another dimension, full of tiny houses, a rubber clock tower, nine whistles hanging from a tree, and one dead crone. What an unusual location!
A little man scuttles towards Dorothy on his hands and knees.
CYGNET: You're my hero.
DOROTHY: Wow - a little person!
It's Cygnet - the Munchkin (played by Warwick Davis)! He slithers around on his stomach, and makes tiny mewling noises: the most powerful sound of which he is capable.
CYGNET: I am the mayor of Munchkinland, and I commend you for killing the Wicked Witch of the East. No longer shall we be ruled by a woman.
DOROTHY: Gasp!
TORONTO: #LockHerUp!
CYGNET: I will lock her up: in a bitch's grave!
TORONTO: #HilaryEmails! #Benghazi!
WICKED WITCH: Hang on. I'm not dead. My neck is broken, but I'm still alive. Could you take me to hospital please?
CYGNET: Sure thing. Good job we've got Obamacare here in Munchkinland!
DOROTHY (furious): Whaaaaaaat!??!?
The Wicked Witch of the East chooses to die instead.
CYGNET: I award you these - <BURRRRRP!> - ruby slippers as your prize for being number one in witch-killing. Take them to Emerald City, and you can redeem them for a ticket home to Kansas, USA.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #SupportOurTroops!
DOROTHY: How do I get to Emerald City?
CYGNET: Just follow the Yellow Brick Road!
DOROTHY: I'm sorry - did you say "Yentob Rickroll"?
MUNCHKINS (singing, as they emerge from the drains, like slugs): Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Yeah! Follow the Yellow Brick Road!
DOROTHY: Follow the Yentob Rickroll! Ha ha! This is a real good song! Boop boop! I'm dancin' around, as you can clearly see.
EXT. THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD - DAY
Dorothy and Toronto follow the Yellow Brick Road until they arrive at a corn field.
DOROTHY: Look, Toronto - a scarecrow. Let's punch it repeatedly in the stomach for being such a floppy salad. Take this, you liberal melt!
Dorothy wallops the Scarecrow in his straw-filled belly.
TORONTO: Grab 'im by the pussy! #DrainTheSwamp
Dorothy does as she's told.
SCARECROW: Ow! You rotten motherf@cker!
DOROTHY: The scarecrow - he talketh!
SCARECROW: That's right - I'm talkin' here. Talkin' like Teddy Ruxpin! I don't have a brain, so I'm too stupid to realise that I'm an inanimate object. I voted Democrat.
TORONTO: It's like some kind of terrifying golem!
SCARECROW: I'm not terrifying. Observe, as I caper and romp, like some big ninny.
The scarecrow capers and romps.
DOROTHY: I burn you - with fire! Die, cuck!
Dorothy quickly makes some fire, and the Scarecrow burns to death.
DOROTHY: Phew! That was a close one. I thought he was about to start telling me that trickle-down economics doesn't work!
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #TrumpTrain!
TIN MAN: Stop right there!
DOROTHY: Yikes - it's a tin woodsman, and he's waving his rusty chopper!
TIN MAN: Correct. I'm waving my chopper right in your face. I was just behind those trees over there, swinging my chopper around, because I want to get wood, but I swung it too vigorously, and the head of my chopper came off! I think I need to tighten my nuts etc. People keep telling me I'm a sexual predator, but I'm talking about my axe! I'm just some metal dude. I don't even have a libido.
DOROTHY: Then you won't feel... THIS!!
Dorothy performs a cool roundhouse kick, and severs the Tin Man's carotid artery.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof.
DOROTHY: Now what are we going to do? I really hope another unusual character doesn't appear.
An unusual lion appears.
LION: Roar! I'm a cowardly lion called Cecil.
DOROTHY: You make me sick. I hate cowards. I bet you've never even served our country.
LION: Whimper! Why can't we all just get along?
DOROTHY: You're not going to defeat terrorism with kind words, you crazy damn fool! The only way you're going to do that is by moving the US embassy to Jerusalem!
Dorothy feeds the lion some "Tiger-Brand Lion Poison". The Lion dies (almost) immediately. She poses for a photograph with the corpse, giving a big thumbs up to the camera, then posts it onto all of her social media feeds.
DOROTHY: Ha ha. I'm a dentist now!
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #FakeNews
DOROTHY: That's that all done. Let's get to the Emerald City, Toronto my man!
INT. EMERALD CITY - DAY
Dorothy and Toronto walk through the gates of this gleaming, bright-green city.
DOROTHY: This is the greenest place I've ever been. Look at all the solar panels and wind turbines. It makes me sick. This so-called green economy is destroying America's identity!
TORONTO: I heartily concur!
An Emerald City Guard waddles into view, howling and grunting.
CITY GUARD: Oooooooooh! I'm in real bad pain.
DOROTHY: I understand. Can you describe the pain?
CITY GUARD: It's my bum, Dorothy. It's all sore and that, because everything we have in Emerald City is made out of emeralds - including the food and toilet paper!
DOROTHY: Can you show me?
CITY GUARD: I'd love to!
DOROTHY: Open wide and say "Aaaaah"!
CITY GUARD: Ah-ah-ah-ah-stayin' alive!
TORONTO: Lol.
DOROTHY: Hmm. It looks to me like you've got a bad case of "emer-hoids"!!!!! LOL.
CITY GUARD: Ha ha. Well, thanks. Now I'll take you to meet the wizard, so you can redeem your ruby slippers for a ticket home.
DOROTHY: Well wicked, dudes!
Dorothy and Toronto walk through the gates of this gleaming, bright-green city.
DOROTHY: This is the greenest place I've ever been. Look at all the solar panels and wind turbines. It makes me sick. This so-called green economy is destroying America's identity!
TORONTO: I heartily concur!
An Emerald City Guard waddles into view, howling and grunting.
CITY GUARD: Oooooooooh! I'm in real bad pain.
DOROTHY: I understand. Can you describe the pain?
CITY GUARD: It's my bum, Dorothy. It's all sore and that, because everything we have in Emerald City is made out of emeralds - including the food and toilet paper!
DOROTHY: Can you show me?
CITY GUARD: I'd love to!
DOROTHY: Open wide and say "Aaaaah"!
CITY GUARD: Ah-ah-ah-ah-stayin' alive!
TORONTO: Lol.
DOROTHY: Hmm. It looks to me like you've got a bad case of "emer-hoids"!!!!! LOL.
CITY GUARD: Ha ha. Well, thanks. Now I'll take you to meet the wizard, so you can redeem your ruby slippers for a ticket home.
DOROTHY: Well wicked, dudes!
INT. THE WIZARD'S THRONE ROOM - DAY
Dorothy and Toronto enter the Wizard's throne room, and are greeted by The Wizard of Oz - a giant sock puppet, with a balloon for a head, which has a face scrawled upon it in felt-tip.
WIZARD: Yeah, bwoy! I'm the Wizard of Oz! How can I help you today?
DOROTHY: Apparently you can redeem these red shoes for a ticket home to Kansas, USA.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #FoxNews
WIZARD: Shoes for ticket? Who told you that big lie?!
DOROTHY: The mayor of Munchkinland - a little guy.
WIZARD: I think he was just trying to get rid of you. I guess he's threatened by a woman who is taller than him. Aaaaad... that's gender politics!
DOROTHY: I don't care about that. Stop trying to change the way things have been for decades. Men have a constitutional right to be dirty guys if they want. Women need to stop leading them on.
WIZARD: Well, you make a good point. Now that I think about it, how come nobody ever talks about all the men who don't do sexual assault? It's like Morrissey says - if people go up to Harvey Weinstein's hotel room, they ought to expect trouble!
DOROTHY: Anyway, I just want to go home now.
WIZARD: Whoops - I've slipped over.
The real Wizard - a regular man - tumbles out from behind a frond, and keeps tumbling head over foot until he bumps into the opposite wall.
DOROTHY: But... you're just a regular chap, hiding behind a curtain and the implied power of an ultimately meaningless political office.
WIZARD: Yes. My real name is John Brony - purely by chance, I'm also a Brony. Would you like to see my fidget-spinner?
The Wizard pulls out a fidget-spinner, and does some sweet tricks with it.
DOROTHY: Okay. Can you help me get home?
WIZARD: I'll drive you - if I can ever find my car keys!!!!
TORONTO: Lol. What's he like?
DOROTHY: Wait a minute. I thought there was meant to be a witch in this.
WIZARD: You killed her at the beginning. She was your mother.
DOROTHY: Wha-wha-whaaaaaaa?!
Toronto shivers and dies.
DOROTHY: Oh noes! Toronto has died from surprise!
WIZARD: Quick - we need to hide the dog's body before the police turn up.
DOROTHY: Sure thing. But only if you sing me a song while you're doing it.
WIZARD: I'm sure that can be arranged.
The Wizard winks, taps the side of his nose, and starts dragging Toronto's corpse across the room, and conceals it beneath a big rug.
WIZARD (sings):
I sweep the dog beneath the rug,
Dead dog's owner needs a hug,
I hug you so tight you will expire,
12345678910!
Dorothy starts jumping up and down on the rug, until the tell-tale bulge is flattened.
DOROTHY: Ah, the perfect crime.
THE END
Dorothy and Toronto enter the Wizard's throne room, and are greeted by The Wizard of Oz - a giant sock puppet, with a balloon for a head, which has a face scrawled upon it in felt-tip.
WIZARD: Yeah, bwoy! I'm the Wizard of Oz! How can I help you today?
DOROTHY: Apparently you can redeem these red shoes for a ticket home to Kansas, USA.
TORONTO: U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Bark. U-S-A! Woof. #FoxNews
WIZARD: Shoes for ticket? Who told you that big lie?!
DOROTHY: The mayor of Munchkinland - a little guy.
WIZARD: I think he was just trying to get rid of you. I guess he's threatened by a woman who is taller than him. Aaaaad... that's gender politics!
DOROTHY: I don't care about that. Stop trying to change the way things have been for decades. Men have a constitutional right to be dirty guys if they want. Women need to stop leading them on.
WIZARD: Well, you make a good point. Now that I think about it, how come nobody ever talks about all the men who don't do sexual assault? It's like Morrissey says - if people go up to Harvey Weinstein's hotel room, they ought to expect trouble!
DOROTHY: Anyway, I just want to go home now.
WIZARD: Whoops - I've slipped over.
The real Wizard - a regular man - tumbles out from behind a frond, and keeps tumbling head over foot until he bumps into the opposite wall.
DOROTHY: But... you're just a regular chap, hiding behind a curtain and the implied power of an ultimately meaningless political office.
WIZARD: Yes. My real name is John Brony - purely by chance, I'm also a Brony. Would you like to see my fidget-spinner?
The Wizard pulls out a fidget-spinner, and does some sweet tricks with it.
DOROTHY: Okay. Can you help me get home?
WIZARD: I'll drive you - if I can ever find my car keys!!!!
TORONTO: Lol. What's he like?
DOROTHY: Wait a minute. I thought there was meant to be a witch in this.
WIZARD: You killed her at the beginning. She was your mother.
DOROTHY: Wha-wha-whaaaaaaa?!
Toronto shivers and dies.
DOROTHY: Oh noes! Toronto has died from surprise!
WIZARD: Quick - we need to hide the dog's body before the police turn up.
DOROTHY: Sure thing. But only if you sing me a song while you're doing it.
WIZARD: I'm sure that can be arranged.
The Wizard winks, taps the side of his nose, and starts dragging Toronto's corpse across the room, and conceals it beneath a big rug.
WIZARD (sings):
I sweep the dog beneath the rug,
Dead dog's owner needs a hug,
I hug you so tight you will expire,
12345678910!
Dorothy starts jumping up and down on the rug, until the tell-tale bulge is flattened.
DOROTHY: Ah, the perfect crime.
THE END
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