Season's greetings. My name is The Flaccid Tramp. That is my actual name. You could get away with that sort of thing, once upon a time. Unfortunately, by a cruel quirk of fate I also happen to be a flaccid tramp.
Do we find that funny? Do we find it amuuusing that I’m a tramp who’s flaccid? What if I wasn’t called The Flaccid Tramp, eh? What if I was called The Homelessman With Erectile Dysfunction? Not so funny now, is it – the thought of a homelessman, living on the streets, with a cheeky portion that refuses to inflate?
According to some figures I found, almost two and a half thousand people are sleeping rough in England at any one time, 90,000+ households are classified as homeless, and one in ten of all men suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find any figures on how many of those men are also homelessmen – for all I know, I might be the only one. If so, why does that make me potentially funnier than the rest of the folk who are sleeping on the streets? Why am I the one who gets laughed at, just because of what I happen to be called?
Do we find that funny? Do we find it amuuusing that I’m a tramp who’s flaccid? What if I wasn’t called The Flaccid Tramp, eh? What if I was called The Homelessman With Erectile Dysfunction? Not so funny now, is it – the thought of a homelessman, living on the streets, with a cheeky portion that refuses to inflate?
According to some figures I found, almost two and a half thousand people are sleeping rough in England at any one time, 90,000+ households are classified as homeless, and one in ten of all men suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find any figures on how many of those men are also homelessmen – for all I know, I might be the only one. If so, why does that make me potentially funnier than the rest of the folk who are sleeping on the streets? Why am I the one who gets laughed at, just because of what I happen to be called?
I mean, when you look at the statistics – it’s barely funny at all that I’m a flaccid tramp. In fact, it’s just pretty depressing, especially at this time of year (Ash Wednesday, judging from all the decorations). So, I hope you feel ashamed to be laughing at my legal, given name (which I assume you have done), however ironic it might be.
Anyway. I trust the thought of all that has ruined your day, and made you feel ashamed for ever using the epithet 'tramp'. But that’s not really what I’m here to talk about (though if you’d like to make a donation to the homeless charity Shelter, you can do so here). I'm actually here to talk about the importance of Ash Wednesday to I, and others like me (if there are any)...
...Although I've now just heard that I got that wrong, and it's not Ash Wednesday at all: it's Christmas apparently. So instead I shall run down my top five Christmas-themed video games. I hope you think of me - on the streets, with my lacklustre sausage - when you're playing these excellent, and all entirely current and topical, Christmas products.
Please give what you can.
Anyway. I trust the thought of all that has ruined your day, and made you feel ashamed for ever using the epithet 'tramp'. But that’s not really what I’m here to talk about (though if you’d like to make a donation to the homeless charity Shelter, you can do so here). I'm actually here to talk about the importance of Ash Wednesday to I, and others like me (if there are any)...
...Although I've now just heard that I got that wrong, and it's not Ash Wednesday at all: it's Christmas apparently. So instead I shall run down my top five Christmas-themed video games. I hope you think of me - on the streets, with my lacklustre sausage - when you're playing these excellent, and all entirely current and topical, Christmas products.
Please give what you can.
DUKE: NUCLEAR WINTER - PC
Few franchises have gone off the rails quite as spectacularly as Duke Nukem. Why, now that I think about it, the only thing worse than Duke Nukem Forever is accidentally inhaling some hair from around a friend's bottom.
And yet, once upon a time, Duke Nukem 3D was considered to be as good as first-person shooters get. What's more, let us not forget that it was also the game which popularised the flushing toilet (in video games). Truly, 3D Realms is the Thomas Crapper of gaming.
Nuclear Winter was an expansion pack which had the titular Duke tracking down a brainwashed Santa, and his Feminist Elven Militia. In addition to visits to a toy factory, and Santa's headquarters, the add-on revisited areas seen in the original game. Inevitably, these were given a festive overhaul - and what's more Christmassy than a snowy red light district?
Really, when you read all that, it does rather feel like a product from a different era. Were it not for the fact Grand Theft Auto V exists today.
Few franchises have gone off the rails quite as spectacularly as Duke Nukem. Why, now that I think about it, the only thing worse than Duke Nukem Forever is accidentally inhaling some hair from around a friend's bottom.
And yet, once upon a time, Duke Nukem 3D was considered to be as good as first-person shooters get. What's more, let us not forget that it was also the game which popularised the flushing toilet (in video games). Truly, 3D Realms is the Thomas Crapper of gaming.
Nuclear Winter was an expansion pack which had the titular Duke tracking down a brainwashed Santa, and his Feminist Elven Militia. In addition to visits to a toy factory, and Santa's headquarters, the add-on revisited areas seen in the original game. Inevitably, these were given a festive overhaul - and what's more Christmassy than a snowy red light district?
Really, when you read all that, it does rather feel like a product from a different era. Were it not for the fact Grand Theft Auto V exists today.
CHRISTMAS NIGHTS - Saturn
Most people seemed to like Sega's Nights Into Dream, a game in which you played a prancing, swirling harlequin - the sort of primped-up dandy who you would in other circumstances punch in the back of the head - as he swooped through surreal landscapes
Personally, I always thought it was a bit on the overrated side, but each to his own. What do I know? I'm just The Flaccid Tramp - a flaccid tramp.
Christmas Nights was a two-level giveaway, which spruced up a couple of the original levels with snow, and a festive soundtrack. Neatly, different content was unlocked throughout the year, depending on when the Saturn's internal clock told the game it was. My favourite was the Ash Wednesday theme, which became available on - you guessed it - Ash Wednesday.
It was free, so if you liked the original thing, it was hard to complain about. That didn't stop me, though. Nothing can stop me. I'm all-powerful, I think.
Most people seemed to like Sega's Nights Into Dream, a game in which you played a prancing, swirling harlequin - the sort of primped-up dandy who you would in other circumstances punch in the back of the head - as he swooped through surreal landscapes
Personally, I always thought it was a bit on the overrated side, but each to his own. What do I know? I'm just The Flaccid Tramp - a flaccid tramp.
Christmas Nights was a two-level giveaway, which spruced up a couple of the original levels with snow, and a festive soundtrack. Neatly, different content was unlocked throughout the year, depending on when the Saturn's internal clock told the game it was. My favourite was the Ash Wednesday theme, which became available on - you guessed it - Ash Wednesday.
It was free, so if you liked the original thing, it was hard to complain about. That didn't stop me, though. Nothing can stop me. I'm all-powerful, I think.
HOME ALONE - Various
This really was an ingot of rubbish, but the film it was based on is one of the best Christmas films of all time. Who doesn't want to see that boy maiming a couple of thieves?
Personally, I don't think that boy went far enough. I don't want to give the impression that all flaccid tramps are violent, but if I'd been that small boy I would have sliced their faces off with a broken bottle.
The game was available on various formats, but all featured you in the role of that boy, protecting your house (and - in the Megadrive version - your entire neighbourhood) from The Wet Bandits. Gathering gear to build weapons and sledging around the streets should be fun. Unfortunately, as was the tendency for cash-in games back then, it was not fun.
This really was an ingot of rubbish, but the film it was based on is one of the best Christmas films of all time. Who doesn't want to see that boy maiming a couple of thieves?
Personally, I don't think that boy went far enough. I don't want to give the impression that all flaccid tramps are violent, but if I'd been that small boy I would have sliced their faces off with a broken bottle.
The game was available on various formats, but all featured you in the role of that boy, protecting your house (and - in the Megadrive version - your entire neighbourhood) from The Wet Bandits. Gathering gear to build weapons and sledging around the streets should be fun. Unfortunately, as was the tendency for cash-in games back then, it was not fun.
JAMES POND 2: ROBOCOD - Various
Probably the best of all the standalone Christmas titles, Robocod bucked the general tendency of publishers to shy away from realising full, overtly-themed, Christmas games (presumably, because the shelf life is limited... or maybe they just hate Christmas and Christians).
It was a full-on festive jamboree, as the titular piscine infiltrates Santa's workshop. Utterly playable, and - for the time - rather gorgeous, it was the perfect Christmas package.
Best of all, the UK version was sponsored by Penguin biscuits, and was bedecked with the sort of product placement we can all enjoy at this time of year.
Probably the best of all the standalone Christmas titles, Robocod bucked the general tendency of publishers to shy away from realising full, overtly-themed, Christmas games (presumably, because the shelf life is limited... or maybe they just hate Christmas and Christians).
It was a full-on festive jamboree, as the titular piscine infiltrates Santa's workshop. Utterly playable, and - for the time - rather gorgeous, it was the perfect Christmas package.
Best of all, the UK version was sponsored by Penguin biscuits, and was bedecked with the sort of product placement we can all enjoy at this time of year.
ANIMAL CROSSING - Various
You'd expect Animal Crossing to do something special at Christmas (or "Toy Day" as the game would have it) - and the series doesn't disappoint.
Whichever version you play, your village takes on a shamelessly festive vibe throughout December. Best of all, Christmas Eve is the only time of the year you'll get to meet Jingle; a star-eyed reindeer with delusions of gift-giving grandeur.
Other Toy Day treats include being able to dress your character up in festive clothing, give presents to other villagers, build snowmen, and making your finger wet by putting it down a robin's throat. That doesn't happen in the game - it's just something I really enjoy doing.
You'd expect Animal Crossing to do something special at Christmas (or "Toy Day" as the game would have it) - and the series doesn't disappoint.
Whichever version you play, your village takes on a shamelessly festive vibe throughout December. Best of all, Christmas Eve is the only time of the year you'll get to meet Jingle; a star-eyed reindeer with delusions of gift-giving grandeur.
Other Toy Day treats include being able to dress your character up in festive clothing, give presents to other villagers, build snowmen, and making your finger wet by putting it down a robin's throat. That doesn't happen in the game - it's just something I really enjoy doing.
RSS Feed
