Doooooooooooooom! D'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'dddooooooommmmmm! Domo? No no domo. Dooooooooom! Doommmdmdmdmdmdmdmdmddddddoom!
As you may be aware, there's a brand new Doom on the way. Thousands have spent the past weekend playing the multiplayer beta, and declared new Doom to be "a good Doom".
It's never too late to climb aboard the so-called "Doom Train" - and to prepare you, we have assembled a list of the most iconic monsters ever featured in the Doom series.
Please cut-out-and-keep this important article, and refer to it whenever somebody asks the following question: "Please tell me... what are the many monsters of Doom?".
As you may be aware, there's a brand new Doom on the way. Thousands have spent the past weekend playing the multiplayer beta, and declared new Doom to be "a good Doom".
It's never too late to climb aboard the so-called "Doom Train" - and to prepare you, we have assembled a list of the most iconic monsters ever featured in the Doom series.
Please cut-out-and-keep this important article, and refer to it whenever somebody asks the following question: "Please tell me... what are the many monsters of Doom?".
DEMON
This pink-hued ponce appears to have a "morning salute" where his head should be, and a eerie face on his torso - suggesting he has the shortest oesophagus of all the monsters in Doom.
Also, two horns poking out of his chest, making the up-and-forwards movement of his arms, from his shoulder joints, virtually impossible - and meaning he can't even touch that thing on his head. Were that something he fancied doing during a quiet five minutes. He's quite good at doing bicep curls, however, but his shoulder muscles have withered to nothing.
Also, two horns poking out of his chest, making the up-and-forwards movement of his arms, from his shoulder joints, virtually impossible - and meaning he can't even touch that thing on his head. Were that something he fancied doing during a quiet five minutes. He's quite good at doing bicep curls, however, but his shoulder muscles have withered to nothing.
CYBERDEMON
The Cyberdemon is the proverbial "cloven-hoofed jumbo". When you think back to what he's doing in the original Doom, he's just sort of wandering around a yard, shooting anybody who gets into it. He's like that old man who's sick of his neighbour's kids sneaking into his garden to steal his apples.
Please, sir... in the new Doom can you make him shout "Get out of my yard"?
Please, sir... in the new Doom can you make him shout "Get out of my yard"?
REVENANT
Have you seen that film, The Revenant? Lovely cinematography, but what a tedious grind. Two and a half hours of Leonardo d'Caprisun snuffling and rolling around in the snow. If that's worthy of an Oscar, then you might as well give every puppy ever an Oscar.
Doom's own Revenant is rarely to be found rolling around in the snow, because - and this is a fact - in Hell it hardly ever snows. Just ask the weathermen.
"Today's forecast: on fire."
Also, check out the double Go-Pros on his shoulders. This Revenant is a vlogger! Like, share and subscribe to his channel so that you don't miss a single one of his vlogs. Stay tuned for the exciting video where he shows you the haul he just picked up from Primark.
"I got a silver boob tube jerkin, and a pair of distressed red jeggings. Yes, again."
Doom's own Revenant is rarely to be found rolling around in the snow, because - and this is a fact - in Hell it hardly ever snows. Just ask the weathermen.
"Today's forecast: on fire."
Also, check out the double Go-Pros on his shoulders. This Revenant is a vlogger! Like, share and subscribe to his channel so that you don't miss a single one of his vlogs. Stay tuned for the exciting video where he shows you the haul he just picked up from Primark.
"I got a silver boob tube jerkin, and a pair of distressed red jeggings. Yes, again."
CACODEMON
A floating, scabby orb, with neon blue gums, and flammable phlegm. This myopic sphere hovers around like a bad balloon.
"Mummy! I want a balloon!"
"You can't have a balloon. I already bought you a flashing wand, and you kept waving it and annoying that lady in the seat next to us, even when I told you not to."
"I want a balloon! I want the one with the single yellow eye!"
"Fine. FINE! You can have a balloon, but it's the last thing you're havi - AIEEEE! I'M ABLAZE!!"
"Mummy! I want a balloon!"
"You can't have a balloon. I already bought you a flashing wand, and you kept waving it and annoying that lady in the seat next to us, even when I told you not to."
"I want a balloon! I want the one with the single yellow eye!"
"Fine. FINE! You can have a balloon, but it's the last thing you're havi - AIEEEE! I'M ABLAZE!!"
MANCUBUS
The incubus and succubus are types of lewd invisible demons. Doom's mancubus is a flabby beige oaf with rocket launchers for arms.
When you consider that this might make eating hamburgers and biscuits a challenge, it's a miracle that he's as down with the fatness as he is - perhaps he eats lard from a trough. Even then, we can't see him having sufficient flexibility to stick his face in there - at least, not without never being able to stand back up again.
Perhaps Hell has ceiling-mounted feeding pipes, which disgorge un-rendered pork fat directly into the mouths of its more obese inhabitants.
When you consider that this might make eating hamburgers and biscuits a challenge, it's a miracle that he's as down with the fatness as he is - perhaps he eats lard from a trough. Even then, we can't see him having sufficient flexibility to stick his face in there - at least, not without never being able to stand back up again.
Perhaps Hell has ceiling-mounted feeding pipes, which disgorge un-rendered pork fat directly into the mouths of its more obese inhabitants.
ZOMBIE MARINE
You can't move in a 2016 games shop for knocking over a stack of games containing either zombies or space marines. Doom got there first, however - having both archetypes combined into a single character.
It's also worth noting the superficial similarities between the zombie marine and Jared Leto's depiction of The Joker. Though the resolution is too low to make out any details, we suspect it's likely that he has the word "Reanimated" tattooed on his forehead. You know: to make him edgy.
It's also worth noting the superficial similarities between the zombie marine and Jared Leto's depiction of The Joker. Though the resolution is too low to make out any details, we suspect it's likely that he has the word "Reanimated" tattooed on his forehead. You know: to make him edgy.
BARON OF HELL
Who turns up for a fight in a pair of light brown cargo pants? We'll tell you who: the Barons of Hell. Not only is this a fashion faux pas, regardless of the dimension you live in, but the sort of style choice that you'd expect from a middle-aged dad - not a literal baron of Hell.
Frankly, we're surprised they're not also wearing ill-fitting t-shirts sporting a witless slogan - "Stay Calm & Have a Beer", that sort of thing.
Frankly, we're surprised they're not also wearing ill-fitting t-shirts sporting a witless slogan - "Stay Calm & Have a Beer", that sort of thing.
HELL KNIGHT
Judging from the identical taste in trousers, the Hell Knight is basically the Baron of Hell's wannabe. You know: like that beta male kid who hangs around the school bully, cackling every time he thumps somebody, but never quite having the nerve to do it himself.
Remember, kids: bullies are more scared of you than you are of them.
Remember, kids: bullies are more scared of you than you are of them.
SPIDERDEMON
Spiders have eight legs and eight eyes. Spiderdemon has four legs and two eyes. In fact, that's exactly the same number of legs and eyes as a horse or a cow. Or a loris.
Lorisdemon might not have the same impact as calling a thing "Spiderdemon", but at least it would be more biologically accurate. Though looking at the thing, it resembles a cross between a cauliflower and an oil rig.
Lorisdemon might not have the same impact as calling a thing "Spiderdemon", but at least it would be more biologically accurate. Though looking at the thing, it resembles a cross between a cauliflower and an oil rig.
IMP
The Imp is so called for its great skill at doing imp-ressions of famous people. Here he is pretending to be Paddy McGuinness. Other celebs in his repertoire include Marcel Proust, Paddy O'Guinness, and Pliers.
Also: horns on the backs of his arms. Presumably, he sleeps on his front... No. Wait. He's got horns on his knees and nips too. Still... nice abs. He's been rocking those crunches.
Also: horns on the backs of his arms. Presumably, he sleeps on his front... No. Wait. He's got horns on his knees and nips too. Still... nice abs. He's been rocking those crunches.
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