"THIS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE OCTOPUS'S GARDEN" Far Cry Primal is the first bona-fide caveman game for several years, though one that's woefully historically inaccurate, given that it doesn't include a single dinosaur or volcano.
Thats like releasing a cowboy game which didn't feature a chiropractor who lives in a motorised fish tank.
Still... as the history of caveman games shows us, not every game has been so liberally lewd with prehistoric fact.
Thats like releasing a cowboy game which didn't feature a chiropractor who lives in a motorised fish tank.
Still... as the history of caveman games shows us, not every game has been so liberally lewd with prehistoric fact.
CAVEMAN (1983)
Caveman by Tandy was an electronic desktop game. As the above advert attests, it was both exciting and "dangerous" - given that the player's caveman character had to contend with both volcanos and dinosaurs. The overall objective? Egg-theft. Are we alone in thinking that "Tandy" would be a good name for a caveman?
FRAK! (1984)
Something of an iconic BBC Micro game, Frak! also appeared on the Commodore 64 and Acorn Electron. It starred a caveman called Trogg, who has to transverse platforms to retrieve keys. Standing in his way are a variety of enemies: Scrubbblies, Hooters and Poglets.
Though there's no evidence of these creatures existing in the fossil record, there's no reason to believe that they didn't. More certain in its historical veracity is Trogg's weapon of choice - a yo-yo. Some believe that it was first used in Ancient Greece as a type of rubbish weapon. Presumably, along with hacky-sacks, hula hoops, and the Fisher Price Chatter Telephone.
Though there's no evidence of these creatures existing in the fossil record, there's no reason to believe that they didn't. More certain in its historical veracity is Trogg's weapon of choice - a yo-yo. Some believe that it was first used in Ancient Greece as a type of rubbish weapon. Presumably, along with hacky-sacks, hula hoops, and the Fisher Price Chatter Telephone.
ADVENTURES OF DINO RIKI (1987)
A vertically-scrolling NES shoot 'em up in the vein of 1943, this featured the titular Dino Riki throwing rocks, axes, boomerangs and flaming torches at an assortment of fire-breathing dinosaurs. Could dinosaurs actually breath fire? It seems unlikely. But - according to many religions - no more unlikely than dinosaurs themselves.
CAVEMAN UGHLYMPICS (1988)
Released for the NES, Commodore 64 and PC, Ughlympics featured a number of prehistoric sports: Sabre Race (the contestants run from a sabre-toothed tiger while trying to avoid obstacles); Mate Toss (the player must fling their male or female mate as far as possible); Firemaking (rubbing sticks as fast as possible to start a fire); Clubbing (attempting to club an opponent over a cliff while dancing to techno)... and just before you started to think that this was all a little too historically accurate - there was also dinosaur racing, and an event where players had to straddle a tyrannosaurus rex, or something.
BC KID - BONK'S ADVENTURE (1989
Released to a variety of formats, but debuting on the TurboGrafx-16, Bonk's adventure was a warmly received - if rather rote - platformer. His method of attack was to head-butt his enemies, suggesting he hailed from a region that would eventually become the modern day Glasgow.
Inevitably, it featured a variety of dinosaurs, some of which wore hats. Indeed, even the object of Bonk's affections - Princess Za - was a pink dinosaur, indicating a degree of interspecies breeding that would account for our current Royal Family and the Chancellor of the Exchequer - The Right Honourable George Osborne.
Inevitably, it featured a variety of dinosaurs, some of which wore hats. Indeed, even the object of Bonk's affections - Princess Za - was a pink dinosaur, indicating a degree of interspecies breeding that would account for our current Royal Family and the Chancellor of the Exchequer - The Right Honourable George Osborne.
CHUCK ROCK (1991)
Pre-Lara Croft, Chuck Rock was the closest Core Design came to having a mascot. Chuck defeated his enemies by hitting them with a beer belly, or by - yes - chucking rocks at them, while spouting his catchphrase: "Unga Bunga". He was compelled to rescue his wife Ophelia Rock - which sounds like it's intended to be an innuendo... but doesn't really work - from the clutches of the unfortunately-named Gary Gritter. The only way that could've been worse is if he was called "Jimmy Gravile".
JOE & MAC: CAVEMAN NINJA (1991)
By now you should be identifying a theme among these games. Suffice to say, there was nothing about Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja - an arcade game that later came to most home systems - which set it apart from Chuck Rock or Bonk. And yet, despite being utterly nondescript, and featuring what were fast becoming caveman game cliches, Joe & Mac somehow returned for a couple of sequels. Here's how interested we are in telling you about those: not in the slightest.
BIG NOSE THE CAVEMAN (1991)
This... this is the NES caveman game. The one with the big nose. A 1992 sequel was entitled Big Nose Freaks Out. Both feature Big Nose, a caveman with a big nose. Which would've been a bit like calling Mario "Moustache in a Hat".
TAIL OF THE SUN (1996)
Finally - something different! A sort of 3D role-playing game, Tail of the Sun was virtually ignored on release, despite having some nice ideas. Essentially set in a prehistoric sandbox world, the player could help its village thrive by gathering resources. The ultimate objective was to build a tower of mammoth bones to reach the sun: hence the title.
Death was ever present - from drowning, falling off things, or attacks from wildlife - as was the threat of your character falling asleep at inopportune moments. Collecting stones would grant your villagers new abilities - such as swimming - and spear-chucking. With a subtle enviro-friendly message, over-hunting would lead to a decline in local fauna, making it harder to achieve your objectives.
Talking of not meeting your objectives...
Death was ever present - from drowning, falling off things, or attacks from wildlife - as was the threat of your character falling asleep at inopportune moments. Collecting stones would grant your villagers new abilities - such as swimming - and spear-chucking. With a subtle enviro-friendly message, over-hunting would lead to a decline in local fauna, making it harder to achieve your objectives.
Talking of not meeting your objectives...
B.C. (2004)
One of Peter Molyneux's great lost games, B.C. promised to be the caveman epic we all wanted - but never deserved. Though mixing dinosaurs with other elements of prehistory, like so many of these ridiculous games, B.C. incorporated the sort of tribe-building that Molyneux seems to love, but mixed it with action elements.
Typically, Molyneux announced the cancellation of B.C. with one last blast of tear-stained hype: "The decision to suspend work on any games project is always a very difficult one, particularly when it is a title with the potential of BC". Oh, Peter!
Typically, Molyneux announced the cancellation of B.C. with one last blast of tear-stained hype: "The decision to suspend work on any games project is always a very difficult one, particularly when it is a title with the potential of BC". Oh, Peter!
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